Some Assembly Required…

*^(@&*)$(**(&^#&#$)!!!!!!!

What brought on this plethora of obscenities?

Putting together children’s toys.

For Christmas, my twin daughters have been asking anyone who will listen what they want for Christmas.

‘A corvette like Abuelo’s…’

(Flashback; ya see, a few months ago my Dad decided to purchase a C6 Corvette convertible for him and my mom to tool around in. Ever since my 'precocious' daughters saw it, they’ve wanted one… three years old and they want a corvette… three years old, sitting on Santa’s lap, they ask him for a corvette… btw, thanks Dad…)

So my wife and I decided to oblige them since they have been (relatively speaking for three-year olds) good this year. We decided on the xx electric ride-on corvette…

My wife and I immediately decided that we are not going to have 2 of those electric cars at the same time… and they will have to share. (So if you hear yelling and screaming Christmas morning coming from the Illinois area… you know why)

I get online (only suckers shop in stores anymore) and found it. Nice car. Equipped with a full-functioning FM radio and clock, flip-up headlights, working turn signals… looks like a nice ride. Ok, let me just scroll down and look at the price…

…

…

… Ok, my heart’s beating again… the list price was $499.00. Out of stock… good.

Ok, here’s a C-5 pink ‘vette… same design basically… only… $299.00. Ok, we’re getting lower, that’s a good thing…

Ah-ha!!!! Found something!!! A Disney Princess Solstice Roadster…
$199.00. They love Disney princesses (even though I am trying to teach them early that Disney is the Evil Empire); it (more or less… mostly less) looks like a corvette. We’ll get em that.

Flash forward three weeks, the car is in the basement, and since we have a wedding on Friday night and who knows what on Saturday night I decided to put it together last night Wednesday.

The girls are in bed sleeping… the dog is sleeping… the wife is paying bills… so I decided to tackle the job head-on…

I grab a glass of water, head down to the basement, turn on “The Simpsons” and go to work…

(Aside: Every single time I tell my Dad that I have to put a toy together for my daughters... he laughs. Not a chuckle, but a sinister, Emperor Palpatine-type laugh... what goes around comes around I guess)

Now… I am, quite frankly, a smart guy… not just book smarts, but street smarts and an uncanny ability to still use common sense, but obviously the U.S. government should put the people who make toy boxes in charge of airport security… because ain’t no one getting into this box. It has tape, it has big staples, it has little staples… it has everything but its own lockdown system and terror alert level.

After 45 minutes getting the box open and the contents of the box out, I go to work. First things first, check to make sure all the parts are here…

They’re not… son of a bit—, oh wait, yes they are.

All the pieces are here, including a Phillips-head screwdriver, and 2 wrenches… none of this ‘Allen wrench’ crap for us… no sirree…

It’s going well. I dispatch with the front and rear axels with ease. Easily put on the two front tires, and the windshield. I then turn my attention to the back of the car. Again, everything goes smoothly. Axels, tires, washers, screws…

Wow, it looks like a car.

I fix the battery, attach the battery to the motor, and now am ready for the final assemble… the car seats.

Tip the seats back, insert tabs into the slots, push seats up, line up with holes, insert and tighten screws… piece of cake right?

No. The easiest and (naturally) last part of the process is taking the longest. Like the Dad in A Christmas Story, I wove a “tapestry of obscenities” that will be hanging over Lake Michigan forever…

After 45 minutes of this, and with a lot of swearing and a little manipulation of plastic… I get the seats inserted. I screw-in the screws (???), open the hood, plug everything in… and it all works…

My wife will put a big-red bow (ya know, like those ‘realistic’ Lexus Christmas commercials) and the memory and pain of putting the car together will dissolve as soon as I see my daughter’s faces light up when they get first glimpse of the car on Christmas morning…

That, dear readers, makes it all worth it…