Monday, September 26, 2005

A Parting of Wisdom to all the Married Men Out There

My Advice for Married Men

Well, it's taken years of research on my part, but I've discovered something that could revolutionize how we look at the relationship between husband and wife. Take a seat this is some heavy stuff. My research has left me with the only conclusion that seems to fit. And that conclusion is:
Men and Women think differently.

I’ll give you a moment to let that sink in.

Imagine the marriages that could have been saved if this information had been available even a few short years ago! (I was lucky, I learned this fact very early in my life…early enough that I was able to use it to my advantage while in college)

It's almost as if women are from Venus and men are from ....some other, far-away, place…like New Jersey.

That's it, it's like women are an alien life form!

Just when I had finally gotten to the place in my life where I had rid myself of all emotions that seem to interfere with making intelligent, logical decisions, I figure out that most women actually value these types of feelings. And worse yet, they seem to want to talk about them.

Are they crazy??

But, loving my wife, I decided that if talking about how we felt was important to her, then that is what I will do.
Apparently though, it takes a little practice to get it right. My first attempt was after a particularly sad movie that my girlfriend, who is now my wife, had rented and we watched together. This move was just chocked full of lost loves, children orphaned, and dreams shattered. When the movie was finally over (luckily in time to catch the end of a rerun of The Simpsons) my girlfriend/now wife tearfully turned to me and asked me how it had made me feel.

Now, being a little new to this whole ‘feelings discussion thing’ concept but still trying my best, I answered, “hungry.”

The look on her face was like a loud 'incorrect answer' buzzer on a TV game show.

“Sorry Kemp, that was the wrong answer! You now have to go back to the beginning of the game and start all over, losing any points you may have accumulated up to now…”

For this reason, I have prepared a list of words that seem to work as acceptable answers, and some you would do well to avoid when talking to the love of your life:

- Amorous (full of love) not, and I can’t stress this one enough, not horny.

- Depleted (worn out from all the emotions swirling around my head), not brain-dead.

- Devastated (just imagine your team getting swept in four games in their first World Series since
1997 by a team that had not won it in 50 +years and sitting by two of the latter’s fans in the
deciding game four – damn Red Sox)

- Livid (very angry), not pissed off

- Effervescent (got this one from an old 7-Up commercial. I don't know what it means, but it seems to work when I don't know what else to say)

Humor is another thing that can get a man in trouble. Women do love humor, it's what alot of women actually look for first in a mate, at least that is what I was always told, but I am still a little skeptical.

The key to humor is to remember that it must be used correctly and at the proper time.

Why do men not make dead people jokes at funerals? I can tell you that it's not because they don't want to. It's because there are women around. If ever there was a funeral where there were only men in attendance, the dearly departed would have a mustache and beard magic-markered onto their face in short order. This is not out of disrespect either; it's just one way of dealing with the 'sense of loss' (which you may want to ad to the above list)

Men even joke in the midst of conflict. A friend of mine once told me about the time, after an especially emotional disagreement between him and his wife, that he thought he could apologize and lighten the mood at the same time by purchasing her a dozen roses and a card that said, “I'm sorry that you were wrong” Wow! Bit of advice, don't ever try that one guys – talk about failing miserably on both the apology and the humor front! (See, if he would have asked me about that, I would have told him only to do that if he wanted to sleep in the garage for the next month)

One last thing husbands, be prepared to hear this from your wife at some point: “I feel like crying and I don't know why.”

Try your best to hide the shock and horror that you will feel about this obviously alien statement, and trust me, don't offer to call an ambulance. Your wife is just telling you, in Venus language, that she wants comfort and an ear to bend.

And no, the comfort should not lead to "anything else…


Anonymous said...

Wow, are you gay...