Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Valentine's Day

Ok, MetroDad beat me to it... so did Matthew over at ChildsPlay X2 ... I had started this post last night, fell asleep, and, not one of those who ever blogs at work… not me, no sirree (I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, you just can’t express sarcasm in the written word that well) I was going to post it this afternoon when I got home from work.

So instead of posting a story like that, I will start by saying I love my wife more and more each day. And each day I am grateful she is with me for eternity and has given us our beautiful daughters, The Peanut Butter and The Jelly. She laughs at my jokes, she compliments my cooking and, last but not least; she makes me a better man, husband, and father, and for that I can never thank you enough. I love you, always… and forever.

Now, rather than fill the remainder of this post with more saccharine, which we are probably all full of by now anyway, I present to you Valentine’s Day cards from the OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE set. Or as my brother said, think of these as Valentines Day cards from Adrian Monk.

(Special Statement: By no means is this post striving to make light of any serious problems or disorders… it is presented as satire… thank you)

  • “Sweetheart, I've got you under my skin. I'll wash and wash, but you'll never come out.”
  • “Roses are red, violets are blue. Sugar is sweet, and I think I left the iron on.”
  • “I'm crazy for you! Get it? Crazy.”
  • “BE MINE. Wait, that has six letters. Six letters is so unlucky. It's like YOU DIE. That's exactly what it's like. Now you're going to die and it's all my fault.”
  • “Honey, I'm hot for you! It's like a fever. Do you think it's viral meningitis? I bet it is. I touched the light switch and who knows what germs were on there. Then I thought about you, and infected you-it's a viral brain infection, so of course it's transmitted through brain waves… that makes perfect sense. We should probably just drive to the hospital right now.”
  • "You're all I think about… literally!”
  • “You and me, sitting in a tree— oh, wait, that doesn't sound very safe, does it? Let's say we're sitting on a… couch instead. Huh. I… I wonder who sat on this couch before us. Maybe we should put some plastic wrap down…. yeah I think we'd better. Is this a new box of plastic wrap, or has it been opened for a while? Are you sure? OK. OK. Let's just say it’s new and move on. So we're sitting on a couch, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Except that I kind of feel this tingle on my lip? Like I might be getting a cold sore? Maybe we should just forget the whole thing.”
  • “It's hard to tell, what with all the SSRI’s in my bloodstream, but I think I feel something for you.”
  • “I'd touch you without gloves. If I could, I mean.”
  • “I love you. Wait. That didn't feel right. Let me try it again. I love you. That didn’t come out right either… don't think about disease, don't think about disease, don't think about disease… I love you. There, I said it. Whew.”

Did you enjoy those? I knew you would. Ok… how about some

Inane Valentine’s Day trivia
On this date in 1929, the "St. Valentine's Day Massacre" took place in Chicago, Illinois. Seven gangsters, all rivals of Al Capone, were killed. People think that it was Capone’s men that did the killing but they’re wrong. It was the seven gangster’s wives who didn’t even get a card, much less flowers or chocolates, for Valentine’s Day… Remember the saying: hell hath no fury like a woman forgotten on Valentine’s Day.

What’s that you say? Now you want some...

Historical background on Valentine’s Day?
As early as the fourth century B.C., the Romans engaged in an annual young man's rite to passage to the God Lupercus. The names of teenage women were placed in a box and drawn at random by adolescent men; thus, a man was assigned a woman companion for the duration of the year, after which another lottery was staged. After eight hundred years of this practice, the early church fathers sought to end it. They found an answer in Valentine, a bishop who had been martyred some two hundred years earlier.According to church tradition St. Valentine was a priest near Rome in about the year 270 A.D.

(At that time the Roman Emperor Claudius-II who had issued an edict forbidding marriage. This was around when the heyday of Roman empire had almost come to an end. Lack of quality administrators led to frequent civil strife. Learning declined, taxation increased, and trade slumped to a low, precarious level. And the Gauls, Slavs, Huns, Turks and Mongolians from Northern Europe and Asian increased their pressure on the empire's boundaries. The empire was grown too large to be shielded from external aggression and internal chaos with existing forces. Thus more of capable men were required to be recruited as soldiers and officers)

When Claudius became the emperor, he felt that married men were more emotionally attached to their families, and thus, will not make good soldiers. So to assure quality soldiers, he banned marriage.

Valentine, a bishop , seeing the trauma of young lovers, met them in a secret place, and joined them in the sacrament of matrimony. Claudius learned of this "friend of lovers," and had him arrested. The emperor, impressed with the young priest's dignity and conviction, attempted to convert him to the roman gods, to save him from certain execution. Valentine refused to recognize Roman Gods and even attempted to convert the emperor, knowing the consequences fully.

On February 24, 270, Valentine was executed, but not before, while in prison awaiting his fate, he came in contact with his jailor, Asterius.

It seems Asterius had a blind daughter and requested Valentine heal his daughter. Through his faith he miraculously restored the sight of Asterius' daughter.

Just before his execution, he asked for a pen and paper from his jailor, and signed a farewell message to her "From Your Valentine," a phrase that lived ever after.Valentine thus became a Patron Saint, and the spiritual overseer of an annual festival. The festival involved young Romans offering women they admired, and wished to court, handwritten greetings of affection on February 14. The greeting cards contained St. Valentine's name.

And now you know… the rest. Of. The story.

Still hungry for more? How about...

Kemp’s Top Ten Valentine’s Day/Romantic Movies:

  1. Casablanca
  2. Pride & Prejudice
  3. The Philadelphia Story
  4. Reality Bites
  5. Before Sunrise
  6. Amelie
  7. Chasing Amy
  8. It Happened One Night
  9. Say Anything
  10. The Princess Bride

Now how about the...

Worst (so-called) Romance Movies:

  1. Gigli
  2. From Justin to Kelly

Really, isn’t that enough?

Still hungry for more Valentine's Day-related madness? Ok. Here’s...

How to say “I love you” in other languages.

  • Danish -- "Jeg elsker dig"
  • Dutch -- "Ik hou van jou"
  • Esperanto -- "Mi amas vin"
  • French -- "Je t'aime"
  • German -- "Ich liebe Dich"
  • Indonesian -- "Saya cinta kamu"
  • Italian -- "Ti amo"
  • Japanese -- "Aishite imasu"
  • Latin -- "Te amo"
  • Mandarin Chinese -- "Wo ai ni"
  • Polish -- "Kocham cie"
  • Romanian -- "Te iu besc"
  • Russian -- "Ya vas liubliu"
  • Spanish -- "Te amo"
  • Swedish -- "Jag alskar dig"
  • Turkish -- "Seni seviyorum"

And now… a gratuitous Valentine’s Day picture of my twin daughters, The Peanut Butter and The Jelly. Happy Valentine's Day everyone...

3 comments:

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

That is a great picture!

I already copied Matthew, now I've got to go put my kids in a box.

MetroDad said...

Excellent, Kemp! And I thought NOTHING would ever beat your post on Groundhog Day.

CroutonBoy said...

Holy cow...I didn't know that much information existed about Valentine's Day. Good post!

Shouldn't "Predator" be on the movie list?