Kemp's Note: The story you are about to see is true; the names have been changed to protect the innocent. For example: George Baker is now called "Sylvia Wiss. "
My older brother got married last Friday. I was the Best Man and The Peanut Butter and The Jelly were the Flower Girls. As the Best Man, I was required to give a toast to the happy couple... for your convenience, it's below.
More wedding shenanigans later...
If I could just say a few words... I'd be a better public speaker.
For those of you who don't know me, I'm Kemp, Prof’s little brother… in age, not in size.
Let me just start by saying that Lawyer looks absolutely stunning while Prof looks... well, stunned.
I consider it a great privilege that Prof asked me to be his best man as he has quite generously returned the favor that I asked of him 10 ½ years ago, during which he took the opportunity to make lots of cheap jokes at my expense... which means I now have the right to reciprocate… I should warn you now; pay back is gonna be a bitch.
When Prof asked me to be his Best Man, I immediately started going through all the stories about him that would best embar– I mean, describe him…
I could start by telling the story of how, on my 24th birthday, we went golfing and he got hit IN the head with a golf ball… or the story of his 30th birthday when he got hit ON by two 70-year old women at the Denny’s restaurant in Peoria… or how he almost got hit by a wayward bottle rocket one fourth of July… how he fell into a Christmas tree one year... or how my wife Honey Mustard likes to compare us to Frasier and Niles Crane... HoMu, you and Lawyer will have to decide which of you is Maris and which of you is Lilith...
But then I thought of a better story.
You see; many people thought that Prof was a confirmed bachelor, but something happened about five and a half years ago that changed him and made him more reflective on his life, and that was the birth of his nieces, The PB & The J…
Long story, somewhat short version... my wife HoMu was hospitalized with a difficult pregnancy 6 weeks prior to the birth of our twins. Surprising everyone, the girls… without me being there, hell without anyone being there, decided to come into this world a little earlier than planned.
Since I was a good 2-hour drive away in Aurora, and HoMu was in Chicago, I was unable to be there when the girls were hastily born … but I knew that Prof was only a few miles away so I called him, trembling - my voice cracking, and told him that the girls had been born, and someone needed to be there when HoMu woke up. Prof dropped everything, raced out of his DePaul office and took a very expensive cab ride to the University of Chicago Hospital.
Of course the nurses assumed he was the father and started telling him about the birth... and the incisions... and then, came the pictures... ending with one nurse asking Prof if he had ever seen a placenta that large... Prof’s response was a sardonic ‘not since breakfast.’
When HoMu woke up, Prof was there to comfort her, hold her hand, assure her that everything was fine, the girls were doing well, and that I was on my way…
After I got there, Prof's adventures continued as he traveled on foot in the dead of night, through the South Side of Chicago looking for a place to develop pictures of his nieces so HoMu, who wouldn’t be able to see the girls until the next day, could see them.
The first time I met Lawyer I told her this story… and she, and Prof, started to mist up… and it was then that I knew that these two were meant to be together
Lawyer, I know that Prof loves you very much because, you know, he spent a long time writing this speech FOR me.
And I know that you love him because you have accepted the eccentric, sometimes complicated (insert generic last name here) family.
But in all seriousness, I’d like to end with a quote for the two of you to remember from one of my favorite authors, Henry David Thoreau; “There is no remedy for love than to love more” so let’s raise our glasses to the happy couple, Prof and lawyer; may the joys you share today be the beginning of a lifetime of great happiness and fulfillment. Congratulations, I love you both.