Meanwhile...

I haven’t posted since last Wednesday. Why? I really have no idea… I just haven’t.

I could come up with some cleverly conceived lie and say I hadn’t posted lately because I was being held captive by a galloping and marauding group of... well... marauders...

Or I could say I was instantaneously and inexplicably transported to another time where I was elected King of the Universe and reigned supreme until I was overthrown by an army of Rachel Ray look-alikes...

Or that I was in a perpetual dream state where I kept having the same dream where I saw myself standing a sort of sun-god robe on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at me...

But that would be a lie...

What I can say is that these last few days have been hectic.

Friday Honey Mustard had a “procedure” done where she had to lie still for 24 hours and not move her head (the procedure had to do with sinuses) that much.

What did that mean? That I had to drive her to and fro, take her home, put her to bed, pick up her pain medication, do laundry, pick up The PB & The J from daycare, tidy-up the house, tend to HoMu, check in with the office, make dinner, bathe the children, watch “Walk the Line” and put the children and HoMu to bed.

(Aside: if you haven’t seen “Walk the Line.” I highly recommend it. It was a very good flick with some phenomenal performances, and singing, by Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon. Even if you aren’t a Johnny Cash fan, I am a JC fan btw; I still think it would be a good movie for ya.)

I had no problem doing any of that as that are responsibilities of a husband and father and I am more than happy to do it… it was just so damn tiring...

Continue to Saturday. HoMu was still laid up and couldn’t do much. So I got The PB & The J up, got them some breakfast, took them to music class, grabbed them some lunch, got them home for nap because, like Amy @ Savage Stories, we had a four-year old birthday party to attend (I understand the grammar in that sentence is off – the party itself was not 4 years old, the birthday girl herself was turning 4… but I’m too tired to fix it… and I realize the irony in the fact that I had enough time to point out that fact even though I said I didn’t have enough time to fix the grammatical error…)

Let me set the scene of the party for you: 35 adults and 814 children.

814 children running around, going up and down the stairs, to the playroom, to the bedrooms… outside for a piñata, inside for party games, back outside to roast marshmallows, back inside to open gifts, cut the cake and hand out treat bags (where did this policy start btw??? I don’t remember EVER getting a treat bag when I went to birthday parties in my youth…)

We got home around 10:00, put the kids to bed, changed the clocks and I went to play a game of Call of Duty on the computer while the wife went to sleep…

(Aside: I have to do a little shout-out here to the Poli-blog Scott and I run. We got our 10,000th visitor on Saturday after 6 short months of existence. Whoo-hoo!!)

Sunday was somewhat routine…

Church, a quick lunch, a visit with HoMu’s grandmother, then grocery shopping, home to house cleaning, made dinner, watched The Simpsons, put The PB & The J to bed, HoMu did some homework while I worked on my crossword, then we watched The West Wing I TiVo’ed (btw, the last 5 minutes was incredibly sad and emotional with the “discovery” of an unresponsive Leo…) and went to sleep.

Whew

I promise to write better tomorrow...

How Metrosexual of you...

Check out my new Poetry & Literature Corner blog where, from time to time, I will post excerpts from some of my favorite books and poems with an occasional book review thrown in for good measure.

So sit back, grab a cup o’ java, smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, and enjoy...

Random Thoughts for a Wednesday

• My brother and I are making a documentary on our family tradition of chorizo-making and have found some great old pictures of our family. Including a photo of one of our uncles from World War II, right before he walked out of a house and was shot by a sniper, earning himself a Purple Heart. I will post them in the coming days when I have time to scan them. They are a sight to see… I mean a sight to see.
• Stalag 17 has been released on DVD… I must buy it…
• A medical assessment said that Maryland sniping “suspect” John Allen Muhammad is Psychotic… well, duhhhhh.
• Apple vs. Apple 2. This time… it’s ridiculous.
• Random quote: “I’m used to people judging me without even knowing me, I’m in high school.” Wise-beyond-her-years, 16-year old golf phenom Michelle Wie, when asked by Time magazine about how she deals with the trash talking from LPGA Tour members twice her age. Nice quote Michelle, very nice.
• With Andrew Card resigning his post at the White House, can I now say we’ve seen a ‘reshuffling of the ‘Card’s’???
• I think I may be losing my perspicacity…
• I’ve accidentally elbowed Honey Mustard in my sleep… and I’ve accidentally pushed her out of the bed in my sleep… but divorcing?
• Today’s gratuitous blog plug: Dadcentric.
• Netflix rox!
• Note to self; don’t let Honey Mustard or The Peanut Butter or The Jelly drink too much water at the next Cardinals game we go to in the new Busch Stadium.
• Here are some of the recent search phrases that have brought people to my little corner of the blogosphere: ‘1643 Racine’, ‘clydesdales play ball 1996 budweiser’, ‘imdb eeffoc’, ‘ss edmund fitzgerald bodies’, ‘Mental IPod Best Life’, ‘1st year fatherhood’, ‘quote i'm here all week try the veal’
• Note to self; avoid flying out of O’Hare.
• Today’s gratuitous (and superfluous) attempt for the ‘craziest phrase used in a blatant attempt to trick people into visiting my site when they type it into Google’ is: ‘potty parity’
• Mental iPod Song of the Day: ‘I’m No Superman’ by Lazlo Bane, from the Scrubs Soundtrack:

Out the door just in time
Head down the 405
Gotta meet the new boss by 8 a.m.
The phone rings in the car
The wife is workin' hard
She's running late tonight again

Well I know what I've been told,
You got to work to feed the soul
But I can't do this all on my own
No, I know, I'm no Superman
I'm no Superman

You've got your love online
You think you're doing fine
But you're just plugged into the wall

And that deck of tarot cards
Won't get you very far
There ain't no hand to break your fall

Well I know what I've been told
You gotta know just when to fold
But I can't do this all on my own
No, I know, I'm no Superman
I'm no Superman

That's right

You've crossed the finish line
Won the race but lost your mind
Was it worth it after all

I need you here with me
Cause love is all we need
Just take a hold of the hand that breaks the fall

Well I know what I've been told
Gotta break free to break the mold
But I can't do this all on my own
No I can't do this all on my own
I know that I'm no Superman
I'm no Superman
I'm no Superman

Someday we'll be together
I'm no Superman
Someday
Someday we'll be together
Someday
I'm no Superman

The results are in...

It’s unanimous… and by unanimous I mean the wife liked this choice most.

Hundreds of you sent emails (actually, it was closer to 1 than 100, but who’s counting?) to help me select the new Kemp’s Blog Official Nickname for Kemp’s Wife.

It’s…

It’s…

42

Wait a minute, that’s not right; I stole that from “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.”

Actually, her new nickname will be Honey Mustard, or HM for short. (She declined the other abbreviated nickname I derived from that: HoMu… though I have no idea why)

She loved the name… even more important was the fact that The Peanut Butter & The Jelly loved the name. They are now telling it to anyone who will listen… even if you aren’t listening, they’ll still tell you. That’s just their way.

She says the decision was neck and neck between Honey Mustard and the names that Croutonboy suggested last week in his comment: “You could also call her Smuckers or Skippy, since both produce Peanut Butter and Jelly. Or Jif...is she a choosy mother?”

Ultimately though, she went with Honey Mustard.

So let it be known and spread across the blogosphere, hence forth, my wifeth shall be knoweth by the moniker(eth) of Honey Mustard.

Spread the word…

Wow...

Croutonboy posted a comment in my post about my bracket’s implosion (thanks Dub) and voiced his thought that maybe 2 or 3 people in the country had this Final Four picked.

Actually, there are 4.

. . .

For those of you who are regular readers of my blog (or my Poli-Blog), you will know why this exchange between my wife and I from this morning made it as a post here.

I decided to wear a white dress shirt today. After getting dressed I walked downstairs and, upon seeing my white shirt, blue suit and the tie I had on, my wife remarked:

“You look like you’re going to a GOP fundraiser.”

Ouch.

Know much about history...

Who was George Mason?

Being a history minor (yeah, that was a decision that helped my career… PR major, history minor… what the fu** was I thinking??) I have actually heard of George Mason from some of my past history classes.

Years ago when my cousin started attending the college, I knew who he was so when people asked who he was, I could tell them. Well, lately the subject of who he was has come up again (wonder why?) and I have been able to impress some people lately who have asked the question “who the hell is he?”

• He was NOT president (he was asked to be VP, but he said no)
• He was the driving force behind the Bill of Rights (thank you, btw, for that Mr. Mason…)
• Thomas Jefferson once called Mason "the wisest man of his generation.”
• He was a neighbor of George Washington and Mason’s wife repeatedly refused Martha’s request to borrow a cup of sugar (ok, I made that last part up, but it sounded good didn’t it?)
• Was strongly opposed to the creation of a 10-mile federal district in Virginia. That would eventually become Washington DC.
• Was against ratifying the Constitution (before you get the tars and feathers ready, hear me out) because “there is no Declaration of Rights, and the laws of the general government being paramount to the laws and constitution of the several states, the Declaration of Rights in the separate states are no security.” Essentially his reasoning was because there was no Bill of Rights included.
• His long and deep friendship with Washington became fractured after that (though some historians point to the friendship ending because of Martha’s repeated attempts to borrow sugar from the Masons – ok, again, I made up that last part)

To learn more about George Mason, visit your local library and check out these books: “George Mason: Reluctant Statesman” by Robert Rutland, “George Mason, Constitutionalist” by Helen Hill Miller. Remember, the more you know…

. . .

I can think of only one word that can sum up my NCAA Tournament bracket...

D'OH!!!!!

It makes my head hurt

Want another example of why English is the hardest language to learn? I present to you this sentence: The bandage was wound around the wound.

Dadbloggers shout-out!

Shout out to let all of you steady-readers out there (I’m sure I have to have at least 1 or 2) that my monthly post is up at Dadbloggers.

It deals with my fears and plans for when (many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many years from now) that The Peanut Butter & The Jelly start dating.

Check it out… you know you want to. Please read it. If you do, I’ll send you a check for one dollar and nine cents.

Warning: Checks will not be valid.

An open call for assistance

Sarah asked this for her spouse a few weeks ago, though I am not sure if anything was decided.

My wife, while waiting for her class to start at Lewis University last night, checked out my blogs.

When she got home, she asked why I only refer to her as ‘the wife’ or ‘my wife’ on this blog.

I told her it was because I couldn’t think of a good nickname (you can sense what’s coming, can’t you?)

I had one that I stole from my brother, but my wife doesn’t like it; ‘the war department’

Since she does so much around the house and, essentially, keeps the damn thing running like a Swiss chee--, watch, I suggested; ‘Condi’, as in Condoleezza Rice… she really didn’t go for that.

So I ask all of you… my dear, intelligent readers, ‘what should my wife’s nickname be in blogland?’

Lines are now open… the 13th caller wins tickets to Supertramp.

Note: No one will win tickets to Supertramp.

Random Thoughts for a Wednesday Afternoon

Like Mr. Big Dubya, I've been suffering from some writer's block, or, as he called it, a "blogging funk". So here's the weekly random thoughts post. Enjoy.

• If I see that Applebee’s commercial during the next round of the NCAA Tournament, I am going to do one of two things. Throw a brick at the television, or fly to Hollywood, find these guys, and hit them over the head with their guitars… anyone who has been watching the tourney knows exactly what commercial I’m talking about.
• From the ‘give me a friggin’ break’ files. The song “Baa baa black sheep” has been changed to “Baa baa rainbow sheep” in the UK. Apparently there was a rash of Sheep raising hell about being stereotyped that no one told me about…
• Matthew is ridiculing me on his latest The Blogfathers post. Why? Because my NCAA Tournament picks suck… as if I didn’t already know that.
• My iPod rocks.
• Scott did a post on the Best Day of Your Life. I've been trying to think of one and can't. It's not that I don't have any, it's more so having to decide which one is "the best"
• Here are some of the recent search phrases that have brought people to my little corner of the blogosphere: “‘wednesday hump day’ + scrubs”, “mardi gras Made in china”, “vince coleman tarp”, “twins baby in lunar calendar”, “amani toomer's wife”, “fatherhood”, “ozzie smiths backflip”, “mccartney chaos and creation in the backyard”
• In honor of those, here is today’s gratuitous (and superfluous) attempt for the ‘craziest phrase used in a blatant attempt to lure people to my site when they type it into Google’ is: ’12 inch meat stick’ Tell your friends…
• Who would have guessed that this short post would garner me 17 comments. Well… considering the subject matter, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised…
• Gratuitous Blog Plug of the Day: Upside Up by Laurie. She’s a lurker who just recently de-lurked herself and left me a comment on my ‘Smack Down’ post. Welcome Laurie.
• Writer’s block sucks moose co**
• Mental iPod Song of the Day: How’s about an 80’s Flashback in honor of Sarah and Devra’s recent concert trip? Here’s “Africa” by Toto.

I hear the drums echoing tonight
But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation
She’s coming in 12:30 flight
The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation
I stopped an old man along the way
Hoping to find some long forgotten words or ancient melodies
He turned to me as if to say, hurry boy, it’s waiting there for you

Chorus
It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
I bless the rains down in Africa
Gonna take some time to do the things we never had

The wild dogs cry out in the night
As they grow restless longing for some solitary company
I know that I must do what’s right
Sure as Kilaimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti
I seek to cure what’s deep inside, frightened of this thing that I’ve become

Chorus(instrumental break)

Hurry boy, she’s waiting there for you

It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
I bless the rains down in Africa, I bless the rains down in Africa
I bless the rains down in Africa, I bless the rains down in Africa
I bless the rains down in Africa

Gonna take some time to do the things we never had

Sights seen...

Scott and I had dinner, smoked some cigars and drank scotch while watching the NCAA tournament Saturday at a pub in Orland Park, IL.

One of the items on the menu was "stuffed butt steak."

Insert your own sophomoric joke here...

St. Patrick's Day

Well… it’s become a bit of a tradition here at Kemp’s Blog; lively posts about holidays.

Today is Friday, March 17th… also known as St. Patrick’s Day. A day of celebrating the drinking of green beer…

While I have talked (at great lengths) about my Spanish ancestry, my other roots are British and Irish (my first name Kemp is an old Celtic name that means ‘warrior’ & ‘champion’)

And while I may not drone on and on about my Brit-Irish roots, I am proud of them and do celebrate them on St. Paddy’s Day. So without further ado, here’s my St. Patrick’s Day post… enjoy.

Historical background on St. Patrick’s Day

The person who was to become St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, was born in Wales about AD 385 with the given name of Maewyn. At the age of 16, Maewyn, who had considered himself a Pagan, was sold into slavery by a group of Irish marauders that had raided his village… it was at this time in captivity that he became closer to God and when he escaped from slavery after six years, he went to Gaul where he studied in the monastery under St. Germain (the Bishop of Auxerre) for a period of twelve years.

His wishes were to return to Ireland and to convert the native pagans to Christianity. Instead, his superiors appointed St. Palladius, who, two years later, was transferred to Scotland.

Patrick, having adopted that Christian name earlier, was then appointed as second bishop to Ireland.

Patrick proved himself to be very successful at winning converts, a fact that upset the Celts who had Patrick arrested several times… but saw him escape each and every time.

Patrick traveled throughout Ireland, establishing monasteries across the country and setting up schools and churches that would aid him in his conversion of the Irish country to Christianity.

His mission in Ireland lasted for thirty years after which Patrick retired to County Down where he died on March 17, 461 AD.

That day has been commemorated as St. Patrick's Day ever since.

The first St. Patrick's Day was publicly celebrated in the U.S. in 1737 in the city (and this should come as a surprise to no one) of Boston.

Much Irish folklore surrounds St. Patrick's Day with very little of it actually substantiated.

Originally a Catholic holy day, St. Patrick's Day has now evolved into more of a secular holiday.

Historical background of Leprechauns

The Leprechaun is an Irish fairy that looks like a little old man (“He’s very clean”) and is often dressed like a shoemaker, complete with cocked hat and leather apron.

Leprechauns have very little to actually do with St. Patrick's Day's.

In Irish legend, leprechauns are a far cry from their happy-go-lucky modern counterparts as they were generally seen as bad-tempered spirits that were capable of great mischief.

According to legend, leprechauns are aloof, unfriendly, live alone, and pass their time making shoes.

They also possess hidden pots of gold. In fact, treasure hunters can often track down a leprechaun by the sound of his shoemaker's hammer and, if caught, they can be forced (with the threat of bodily harm) to reveal the location of their treasure. But the captor must keep their eyes on him at every second for if the captor's eyes leave the leprechaun, they vanish and all hopes of finding the treasure are lost (d’oh!)

While they did have pots of gold that they would have to relinquish if a human caught them, the leprechaun was likely to come after you later to get revenge.

Legend has it that you can find the leprechaun, along with his pot of gold, at the end of a rainbow.

Inane St. Patrick’s Day trivia…

• The traditional shamrock icon came from an old Irish tale that told of how Patrick used the three-leafed shamrock to explain the Holy Trinity, using it in his sermons to represent how the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit could all exist as separate elements of the same entity.
• The shamrock is a type of small herb with leaves made up of three leaflets and is the common name for any of several types of three-leafed clovers that are native to Ireland.
• The Irish have considered shamrocks as good luck symbols for centuries and it has now become the national symbol of Ireland.
• St. Patrick didn’t drive any snakes out of Ireland, (mainly because no snakes were ever native to Ireland… but that’s besides the point) This is said to be a metaphor for his conversion of the pagans.
• Today, people celebrate the holiday with parades, wearing of the green, and drinking beer.

Did you know?

• that the song "When Irish Eyes are Smiling" isn't a popular Irish ballad? It was actually composed by an American?
• that during the Irish Potato Famine in the 1840’s, 75% of Irish immigrants landed in New York?
• that Corned beef and cabbage is not a favorite St. Patrick's Day dish in Ireland (they prefer ham or bacon) but rather in the U.S.?
• that St. Patrick's Day parades have a history that goes back hundreds of years, but they didn't originate in Ireland? The parade in Dublin has a scant 50-year history, while those in Montreal and New York City go back almost 200 and 300 years respectively.
• that close to 34 million U.S. residents claim some Irish ancestry?
• that a shillelagh (pronounced shah-lay-lee) is a stout walking stick?

Kemp’s Top 6 Irish Authors

1. James Joyce
2. George Bernard Shaw
3. Samuel Beckett
4. William Butler Yeats
5. Jonathan Swift
6. Oscar Wilde

Kemp’s Top Ten St. Patrick’s Day movies

10. The Magical Legend of the Leprechauns
09. St. Patrick's Day
08. The Matchmaker
07. The Secret of Roan Inish
06. St. Patrick: The Irish Legend
05. Luck of the Irish
04. The Fugitive (it has a scene during the Chicago St. Patrick’s Day parade, so it makes the cut)
03. Finnian’s Rainbow
02. Darby O’Gill & The Little People
01. The Quiet Man

Not listed in the Top 10 and for a damn good reason: ‘Leprechaun’, ‘Leprechaun 2’, ‘Leprechaun 3’, ‘Leprechaun 4 in Space’, ‘Leprechaun in the Hood’ and ‘Leprechaun: Back 2 da Hood’

Kemp’s Recipe for an Old Mr. Boston's Irish Shillelagh

• Juice from ½ lemon
• 1 ½ oz. Irish whiskey
• ½ oz. sloe gin
• ½ oz. rum

One ounce is equal to one shot of hard alcohol. In a mixer, combine the lemon juice, whiskey, sloe gin and rum. Shake the ingredients with crushed ice and strain into an old fashioned glass. Add fruit for garnish. Sliced peaches, raspberries or strawberries are recommended


Kemp’s Favorite Irish Blessings

Whatever your libation, you'll want to memorize a few standard Irish toasts for the occasion. Here are some of the more popular ones. Practice saying them with an Irish accent to impress your guests."May your glass be ever fullMay the roof over your head be always strongAnd may you be half an hour in heaven before the devil knows you're dead."

“May you have warm words on a cold evening,
A full moon on a dark night,
And the road downhill all the way to your door."

"May the road rise up to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
The sun shine warm upon your face,
The rain fall soft upon your fields,
And until we meet again
May God hold you in the palm of His hand."

"Health, and long life to you,
Land without rent to you,
The partner of your heart to you,
And when you die,
may your bones rest in Ireland!"

Kemp's Gratuitouos St. Patrick's Day pic.

This is an image of the Chicago River after it had been dyed green for the city's annual St. Patrick's Day Parade:

Random Thoughts for a Thursday Afternoon

Psst… buddy. Hey… do you know what today is?

It’s Thursday, which can only mean one thing… Random Thoughts for a Thursday Afternoon… spread the word.

Randomness… pure, unadulterated, unsullied and chaste randomness…

• Today’s post is brought to you by the number ‘42’. Extra credit points to anyone who knows the significance of the number 42. Anyone… anyone… Bueller? Bueller?
• Guys (and I suppose gals) if you’re getting sick of filling out NCAA Tournament brackets… try the NCTnA brackets. (Note: semi-safe for work)
• Last week’s number and letter sponsor was 28 IF. No one responded as to its significance… and frankly I’m a little bummed about that.
• Uh… Mr. Douglas… this is the kettle… you’re black.
• I don’t care how old you are… if you want to be a singer, how the HELL can you not know who Stevie Wonder is????
• I have to admit… I thought it was a blatant marketing/money-making scheme (which it is), but the World Baseball Classic has given us some great baseball… too bad the U.S. team sucks.
• Jeff King won his fourth Iditarod. I don’t know why I’m mentioning this… but I am.
• We had to re-arrange our Disney World trip to the first week of June. It will be 6 days/5 nights of all-Disney, all the time… insert own thought here
• Aw crap, this doesn’t bode well…seems a Supercomputer has built a virus… it starts…
• What's scarier? A movie version of the TV show ‘Dallas’, Ice Cube in a movie version of ‘Welcome Back Kotter’, or Ashton Kutcher & Kevin Costner doing a movie together?
• Matthew over at Childs Play x2 invited me to join his Blogging Daddies NCAA tournament bracket challenge. I said yes… I filled out my brackets… and now I await the first round of me getting my ass kicked and my head handed to me on a platter. SIU-C over West Virginia?? Bradley over Kansas?? George Mason over Michigan State?? Gonzaga & Villanova in the Championship Game?? Who am I kidding??
• Speaking of which, ‘Bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia…’
• And ‘a glass of hot fat…’
• Here are some of the recent search phrases that have brought people to my little corner of the blogosphere: “Twin movie quotes”, “especially at night i worry over situations”, “eeffoc”, “blogs - on humanity and politics”, “ono-mono twin images”, “scrubs song list diving in to deep”, “Quotes on the banning Mardi Gras”, “francis slay cardinals arizona”, “Amani Toomer's siblings”, “michael shannon kemp”, “Whitey Herzog's Wife's Name”, and “effects after drinking whisky”
• In honor of those, here is today’s gratuitous (and superfluous) attempt for the ‘craziest phrase used in a blatant attempt to lure people to my site when they type it into Google’ is: ‘Banana Hammock.’ Tell your friends…
• Have I mentioned that I suck at NCAA Tournament selection-brackets?
• Gratuitous Quote of the Day: “I often quote myself. I find it adds spice to the conversation.” – George Bernard Shaw
• Gratuitous (you have to be asking yourself how many times I could use the word ‘gratuitous’ in one post…) Blog Plug of the Day: Scott’s Rant Spot
• Did I mention that I suck at NCAA Tournament selection-brackets?

Morning cup of Jo(ke)

A little joke to start your day off right...

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

The Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. "

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, the President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Thank you, thank you. I'm here all week, try the veal... it's lonely.

Smack-down!

Last night, I was playing Legos (you are NEVER too old for Legos) with The Peanut Butter and The Jelly, when The PB got up, went to their toy room, picked up one of their toy cell phones… answered it… then said something to The J, who proceeded to get up, walked over to her sister and gave her a huge hug.

She then came back and sat down next to me and continued playing Legos…

My wife and I looked at each other as though we just got through watching a lecture by Stephen Hawking and were confused as hell.

After that, the two of them had a full-fledged conversation for a good 2 minutes… back and forth talking about kids at Preschool/Daycare and .

(This conversation was interrupted once when The J saw a picture of “President” Bush on the TV, stopped, looked at the TV, looked at me, then pointed to the screen and said Cuckoo-Bananas. I have absolutely no idea where she learned that… it’s so hard to express sarcasm in the written word)

After The J’s political commentary (I was so proud of her), they continued their conversation… and at one point I looked up from the massive Lego house I was making for them (I am ‘da man’ when it comes to Legos…) and looked at The PB…

The look I got from them was one that could best be described as “This is an ‘A’ & ‘B’ conversation, why don’t you ‘C’ your way out of it.”

Ouch. I had just been smacked-down by one of my (soon-to-be) four year olds…

I then felt as though I had violated their First Amendment rights (Quick! Who can name all The Simpsons family…) and wanted to crawl under a rock.

So I throw this question out to all you other twin/multiple parents out there… have you ever interrupted a conversation between them that made you want to crawl under a rock when they noticed you were listening?

Inquiring minds want to know…

Mental iPod Song of the Day

“Cockamamie Business” by George Harrison from The Best of Dark Horse, 1976-1989

Bust my back on the Levy - broke my strings on the BBC
Found my chops on Eel Pie Island - paid my dues at the Marquee
Slagged off by the N.M.E. - lost my stash and my virginity
In this Cockamamie Business

Got my face on Ed Sullivan - broke my heart on the Soul Train
Introduced to Bad Company - lost cells down at Brain Drain
And before I could mend - lost the missus, missed the girlfriend
In this Cockamamie Business

Now we like to air condition - though the air has no ozone ring
Still they're chopping down the forest for McDonalds and the Burger King
Eating cows with such persistence - doesn't offer much resistance
To this Cockamamie Business

There are too many things - stressing out the nervous system
Girls you used to know - fellas that may have kissed'em
Some got rabies - Some got fleas - some got incurable diseases
From this Cockamamie Business

Everybody's after as many points as they can get
As long as it's not them that has to pay
No one really minds the Debt5-Star actors, tax inspectors, film producers and directors
With their Cockamamie Business

Well you do what you can - can't do much more than that
(No you can't do what he just said)
Some days you're pretty sharp - on other days you feel half dead
(While you make your daily bread)
Didn't want to be a star - wanted just to play guitar
In this Cockamamie Business

A rare written & posted while at work, post

It’s Friday.

Ya know Friday... end of the work week… cusp of the weekend…

For all intents and purposes, I should be happy, right?

Well… I’m not.

Why aren’t you happy Kemp?

Because the day has dragged on excruciatingly slow, painfully and excruciatingly slow… painfully, excruciatingly and no-end-in-sight slow… so slow, that I think we have gone through 3 or 4 ice ages whilst it’s been happening.

It's so slow... that George Bush's thought process seems faster...

It feels like it should be 4 in the afternoon but it’s not… it’s not even Noon yet…

Is it possible for the clock to start moving backwards? That has to be the only logical explanation… right?

If this keeps up, I may actually have to do some work…

Quotetastic!

Today, a sampling of quotes from some of my favorite TV shows and books.

This seems like Blog-Filler to me Kemp, is it? No… it’s called block… as in writer’s block… so rather than have people visit my blog and see nothing new, I thought… hey, let’s throw out some quotes… better that than nothing…

From ‘The West Wing’

President Josiah Bartlet: I was watching a television program before, with a kind of roving moderator who spoke to a seated panel of young women who were having some sort of problem with their boyfriends - apparently, because the boyfriends had all slept with the girlfriends' mothers. And they brought the boyfriends out, and they fought, right there on television. Toby, tell me: these people don't vote, do they?

From ‘Scrubs’

J.D.: I think childbirth has been way too romanticized. [Cut to a 1950s era informational film with JD and the soon-to-be parents] You will spend hours and hours of pain while you poop, pee, puke and other people stare into your vagina, which, by the way, has an 80 per cent chance of tearing.

From ‘Sports Night’

Casey McCall: [on the air] So don't adjust that dial; and, while we're gone, if any talking animals ask you to buy some tacos or beer… for God's sake, do what they tell you. You've been watching Sports Night on CSC. Have a good night.

From ‘The Simpsons’

Lisa: Where's Dad?
Marge: Your father is... resting.
Bart: "Resting" hung over? "Resting" got fired? Help me out here.

From Catch-22 by Joseph Heller

“The Texan turned out to be good-natured, generous and likable. In three days no one could stand him.”

“He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.”

From Blue Highways by William Least Heat Moon

“What you've done becomes the judge of what you're going to do - especially in other people's minds. When you're traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don't have your past to hold against you.”

Random Thoughts for a Wednesday Afternoon

• Today’s post is brought to you by the number ‘28’ and the letters ‘i’ and ‘f’ (Bonus points for anyone who can explain the significance of those)
• I'm feeling better but the kids are now sick and the wife is now sick… so all in all, life sucks at the moment. Thanks for all that wished me to get better, appreciate it.
• I am not running for Alderman. A local-Hispanic Professionals group approached me earlier this week and asked me to run for School Board (which has no Hispanics on it) next year with their full financial backing… Hmmm, using my own money on a campaign or someone else’s money? That’s a no-brainer, right?)
• Due to my very good friend (and ‘bestus’ buddy) Scott naming his new 30-gig iPod Lola, I have named mine: ‘Martha.’ Where did I get the name? Three words: Beatles White Album
• Now that George Clooney has won an Oscar (and was nominated for two more) will people finally stop asking him about leaving “E.R.?” He jumped off that train wreck just in time if you ask me… though no one has.
• Is it just me, or is Ziyi Zhang just… wow?
• Ditto Keira Knightley.
• David Mamet has long-been my favorite contemperary playwright, and last night (while taping – yes I still have a vcr to tape things – Scrubs) I watched his new show on CBS that he created and writes… “The Unit” (it stars Dennis Haysbert & Scott Foley). The Pilot wasn’t bad… though I have to wonder how hard it was for him to write without the generous use of the word ‘fuck’ that usually permeates his writings…
• I performed a plethora of Mamet’s works in college speech (Phi Rho Pi at community college and NFA at University) and did very well with ‘Duck Variations,’ ‘Glengarry Glen Ross’, ‘Oleanna’, ‘American Buffalo’ and ‘Sexual Perversity in Chicago’ (that last one ought to get me some interesting google-links… which reminds me…)
• Today’s superfluous attempt for the ‘craziest phrase used in a blatant attempt to lure people to your site when they type it into Google’ is: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. Which is (besides being the longest word in the English language) defined as “a lung disease caused by the inhalation of very fine silica dust, mostly found in volcanos.” So that’s what’s wrong with me… damn, pesky volcanoes…
• Today’s Mental iPod song of the day is a song from The Beatles ‘White Album’, ‘Rocky Raccoon’

Now somewhere in the black mountain hills of Dakota
There lived a young boy named rocky raccoon
And one day his woman ran off with another guy
Hit young rocky in the eye, rocky didn’t like that
He said I’m gonna get that boy
So one day he walked into town
Booked himself a room in the local saloon

Rocky raccoon checked into his room
Only to find Gideon’s bible
Rocky had come equipped with a gun
To shoot off the legs of his rival
His rival it seems had broken his dreams
By stealing the girl of his fancy
Her name was Magil and she called herself Lil
But everyone knew her as Nancy

Now she and her man who called himself Dan
Were in the next room at the hoe down
Rocky burst in and grinning a grin
He said Danny boy this is a showdown
But Daniel was hot - he drew first and shot
And rocky collapsed in the corner

Now the doctor came in stinking of gin
And proceeded to lie on the table
He said rocky you met your match
And rocky said, doc it’s only a scratch
And I’ll be better, I’ll be better doc as soon as I am able

Now rocky raccoon he fell back in his room
Only to find Gideon’s bible
Gideon checked out and he left it no doubt
To help with good Rocky’s revival

Son of a b----

104.7...

That’s what it topped out at, 104.7.

104.7 degrees Fahrenheit

That’s what my fever was Friday night when my brother and I got to my parent’s house…

That’s what my fever was when my Dad and brother left for my cousin’s house Saturday morning to make the chorizo…

That’s what my fever was when the nurse took my temperature at the Doc in the Box my mom took me to in Clayton…

High fever, cough, tightness in chest…. diagnosed as bronchitis.

Yes, I had a fever (and bronchitis) all weekend long… so I was not able to help in the annual, chorizo-making tradition.

The last time I had a fever? About 30 some years ago, younger even than The Peanut Butter and The Jelly are now.

So… needless to say, my weekend sucked moose cock.

I still feel tired, sick and exhausted, so I’m going back to bed.

Mental iPod Song of the Day

In light of a post by Tony over at Cheeky’s Hideaway, today’s mental iPod song of the day is not one I heard on the way in, but it’s a good one anyway…

"Brothers in Arms" by Dire Straits from The West Wing Soundtrack – Volume 1

These mist covered mountains
Are a home now for me
But my home is the lowlands
And always will be
Some day you’ll return to
Your valleys and your farms
And you’ll no longer burn
To be brothers in arms

Through these fields of destruction
Baptisms of fire
I’ve watched all your suffering
As the battles raged higher
And though they did hurt me so bad
In the fear and alarm
You did not desert me
My brothers in arms

There’s so many different worlds
So many different suns
And we have just one world
But we live in different ones

Now the sun’s gone to hell
And the moon’s riding high
Let me bid you farewell
Every man has to die
But it’s written in the starlight
And every line on your palm
We’re fools to make war
On our brothers in arms

Random Thoughts for a Wednesday

It’s Wednesday. Hump-day. Mid-week. We all know what that means. Random Thoughts for a Wednesday.

• Today’s post is brought to you by the letter ‘M’ and by the number ‘42’
• My Wonderlic test score was 49… never did find out which one I missed.
• Anna Nicole Smith at the US Supreme Court? This is a fantasy of Justice Clarence Thomas isn’t it?
• Does this really surprise anyone? Turns out that American’s know more about The Simpsons than they do about the First Amendment. Well, duh. How about you? Take this QUIZ and find out if you know about the First Amendment.
• Confidential advice to Ms Smith; if Justice Thomas offers you a can of Coke, say ‘no thank you.’
• One for Sarah & Becky and anyone else in the Tampa area. A Tampa Bay Storm football player was arrested because he and his girlfriend were living in Section 8 housing and paying only $20 a month. Although, is it really that bad? I mean, how much could an Arena football player actually make?? What’s that? How much? In that case, off with his head!
• The U.S government is telling people to take sick leave and stay home if they get the bird flu. Wow, I never would have thought of that…
• I will be participating in a family tradition this weekend. I, along with my dad, my brother, and 2 of my cousins will be getting together for our yearly family-chorizo making. Using a recipe that my Abuela brought over from Spain when she came over at the young age of 19, we butcher the hog, add the spices, mix it, put it in a grinder, encase it and let it smoke for a few days. Last year's batch was the best we had ever done and we only hope to equal that success this year. It's still 3 days away, but because last year's batch was as close to perfection as you can get, we're all excited at the prospect of besting ourselves. Of course, if it's worse, we will never speak of it again...
• Today’s superfluous attempt for the ‘craziest phrase used in a blatant attempt to lure people to your site when they type it into Google’ is: “manute bol’s wife”… what’s that? That one’s been used? Rats. How about: “inspired looniness”
• After much thought and discussion, I’ve decided that I am running for City Alderman in my town. More info as it becomes available.
• No gratuitous picture today, instead have a Mental iPod Song of the day: ‘Car Wash’ by Rose Royce. Why do I have this song on my iPod? Because The PB & The J love to dance to it, so I had no choice but to download it?

Ooh ooh You might not ever get rich
But let me tell ya it's better than diggin' a ditch
There ain't no tellin' who you might meet
A movie star or maybe even an Indian chief

(Workin') At the car wash
Workin' at the car wash, girl
Come on and sing it with me
(Car wash)
Sing it with the feelin' ya'all
(Car wash, girl)

Ooh! Some of the work gets kinda hard
This ain't no place to be if you planned on bein' a star
Let me tell you it's always cool
And the boss don't mind sometimes if you act the fool

At the car wash
Whoa whoa whoa whoa
Talkin' about the car wash, girl
Come on, ya'all and sing it for me
(Car wash)
Oooh oooh oooh
(Car wash, girl)

(Work and work)
Well, those cars never seem to stop coming
(Work and work)
Keep those rags and machines humming
(Work and work)
My fingers to the bone
(Work)
Can't wait till it's time to go home

(Hey, get your car washed today)
Fill up and you don't have to pay
Come on and give us a play
(Do the wash, right away)

(The car wash)
Talkin' 'bout the car wash
Car wash, girl
Come on, ya'all, let's sing it with me
(Car wash)
Sing it with feelin', ya'all
(Car wash, girl)

Whoa whoa whoa whoa
(Car wash)
Never seem to stop comin'
What'd I say
Keep those rags and machines hummin'
(Car wash)
Let me tell you, it's always cool . .

Fat Tuesday (aka Mardi Gras)

You knew it was coming, didn't you? I started it with Groundhogs Day, so now people expect it. This is it; Kemp's Official Fat Tuesday/Mardi Gras Primer...

DID YOU KNOW?

• That the name Fat Tuesday comes from the French Words ‘Gras’ (pronounced ‘graw’) and ‘Mardi’… Mardi Gras… ah! The light bulbs come on
• That Mardi Gras is a legal holiday in New Orleans
• That the oldest Mardi Gras celebration in the United States is in Mobile, Alabama. Their celebrations date back to 1703.
• That the official colors of Mardi Gras (purple which is a symbol of justice; green which represents faith; and gold which signifies power) have their roots in Catholicism.
• The name Fat Tuesday comes from the tradition of slaughtering and feasting upon a fattened calf (The veal wasn’t butchered though, it died of loneliness) on the last day of Carniva

HISTORY

What is less known about Mardi Gras is its relation to the Christmas season, through the ordinary-time interlude known in many Catholic cultures as Carnival (Carnival comes from the Latin words carne vale, meaning “farewell to the flesh.”)

Like many Catholic holidays and seasonal celebrations, it likely has its roots in pre-Christian traditions based on the seasons. Some believe the festival represented the few days added to the lunar calendar to make it coincide with the solar calendar; since these days were outside the calendar, rules and customs were not obeyed. Others see it as a late-winter celebration designed to welcome the coming spring. As early as the middle of the second century, the Romans observed a Fast of 40 Days, which was preceded by a brief season of feasting, costumes and merrymaking.

There are well-known season-long Carnival celebrations in Europe and Latin America, including Nice, France; Cologne, Germany; and Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. The best-known celebration in the U.S. is in New Orleans and the French-Catholic communities of the Gulf Coast. Mardi Gras came to the New World in 1699, when a French explorer arrived at the Mississippi River, about 60 miles south of present day New Orleans. He named the spot Point du Mardi Gras because he knew the holiday was being celebrated in his native country that day.

MARDI GRAS IN NOLA

Secret societies, known as krewes, arrange and finance all the Mardi Gras activities in New Orleans, with the oldest krewe being Comus, which made its first appearance in 1857. A different krewe holds a parade on each night during the two weeks leading up to Lent. The krewes also hold masked balls at which the king and queen of the krewe are presented to the society.

Eventually the French in New Orleans celebrated Mardi Gras with masked balls and parties… at least until the Spanish government took over in the mid-1700s and banned the celebrations (sorry, our bad).

This ban continued even after the U.S. government acquired the land but started-up again in 1827.

While Mardi Gras (or Fat Tuesday) has grown in popularity in recent years as a hedonistic and alcohol-swilling event, its roots lie in the Christian calendar.

The whole season kicks off with the Epiphany (also known as Twelfth Night, Three Kings' Day and in some Eastern churches Theophany), which falls on January 6 – 12 days after Christmas. That day celebrates the visit of the Wise Men bearing gifts for the infant Jesus.

What’s the purpose of King's Cake? Well, legend has it that the cakes were made in a circle to represent the circular routes that the Wise Men took to find Jesus, in order to confuse King Herod and foil his plans of killing the Christ Child. In the early days, a coin or bean was hidden inside the cake, and whoever found the item was said to have good luck in the coming year. In Louisiana, bakers now put a small baby, representing the Christ Child, in the cake; the recipient is then expected to host the next King Cake party. (How would you like to miss that and explain to the ER doctor: ‘Well, doc, I was eating a piece of cake when a baby got lodged in my throat.’)

Kemp’s Top Ten Movies Fat Tuesday/Mardi Gras Movies

...that have Mardi Gras as a central theme… or even a passing theme… or a naked women theme… or really, have nothing to do with Mardi Gras other than being set in New Orleans because there are not, quite frankly, enough movies about Mardi Gras to do an actual Top Ten Mardi Gras movies list.

10. Zombie vs Mardi Gras
9. Mardi Gras Massacre
8. Piano Players Rarely Play Together
7. Mardi Gras
6. Night Trap (aka Mardi Gras for the Devil)
5. Playboy: Girls of Mardi Gras
4. Mardi Gras: Made in China
3. Girls Gone Wild: Mardi Gras
2. Easy Rider
1. Hard Target

Gratuitous Fat Tuesday picture (Ask me how hard it was to find a Fat Tuesday image that didn't involve naked people)

Mental iPod Song of the Day - FAT TUESDAY EDITION

Talk about karma.

On today, one of New Orleans busiest days of the year (even this year, a scant 6 months after the horror that was Hurricane Katrina and disaster 'Brownie') as I was driving into work and, coincidentally, going over the train tracks in Kankakee, my iPod shuffled itself onto “City of New Orleans” by Arlo Guthrie. I am not making this up, the second song it went to. So, to keep all of you satisfied for me (mind out of gutters people) until I post my Official Fat Tuesday offering, I present to you today’s Mental iPod Song of the Day: "City of New Orleans"

Riding on the City of New Orleans,
Illinois Central Monday morning rail
Fifteen cars and fifteen restless riders,
Three conductors and twenty-five sacks of mail.

All along the southbound odyssey
The train pulls out at Kankakee
Rolls along past houses, farms and fields.
Passin' trains that have no names,
Freight yards full of old black men
And the graveyards of the rusted automobiles.

CHORUS:
Good morning America how are you?
Don't you know me I'm your native son,
I'm the train they call The City of New Orleans,
I'll be gone five hundred miles when the day is done.

Dealin' card games with the old men in the club car.
Penny a point ain't no one keepin' score.
Pass the paper bag that holds the bottle
Feel the wheels rumblin' 'neath the floor.
And the sons of Pullman porters
And the sons of engineers
Ride their father's magic carpets made of steel.
Mothers with their babes asleep,
Are rockin' to the gentle beat
And the rhythm of the rails is all they feel.

CHORUS

Nighttime on The City of New Orleans,
Changing cars in Memphis, Tennessee.
Half way home, we'll be there by morning
Through the Mississippi darkness
Rolling down to the sea.
And all the towns and people seem
To fade into a bad dream
And the steel rails still ain't heard the news.
The conductor sings his song again,
The passengers will please refrain
This train's got the disappearing railroad blues.

Good night, America, how are you?
Don't you know me I'm your native son,
I'm the train they call The City of New Orleans,
I'll be gone five hundred miles when the day is done.

Shout-Out!

"Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian."

- Mr. Parker from A Christmas Story, portrayed by Darren McGavin who passed away Saturday at the age of 83. As long as this movie is shown and reruns of Kolchak: The Night Stalker are available, your memory will never be forgotten. We will miss you.

"I wish, I wish I was a fish."

- Henry Limpet from The Incredible Mr. Limpet, portrayed by Don Knotts who passed away on Friday night at the age of 81. More popularly known as Deputy Barney Fife on The Andy Griffith Show or Mr. Furley on Three's Company, I'll always remember you from Mr. Limpet. You will also be missed.

"Drink scotch whisky, all night long..."

At least that's what Steely Dan suggested in 'Deacon Blues'

Me? Not so much.

Last Friday I posted about the Cash Bash that I (along my the wife, my brother and his girlfriend) was going to attend last Saturday night… and some of you wanted to know how it went.

Well, it took me this long to remember it.

I’m exaggerating of course, but that has been what it’s felt like all week. Walking around in a stupor… (now I know how “President” Bush always feels…[rimshot]) trying to shake off the effects alcohol has on the (older) human body. (I am not an alcoholic… nor do I play one on TV. I drink in moderation. But when one has a chance to drink with a named designated driver and not without the responsibility of kids… one takes advantage… who of us here reading this post haven’t???)

After last week I have come to a horrifying conclusion… I. Am. Old.

It’s not something that homo-sapiens like to admit, but I feel the time has come for me to admit it.

I am 32 years old (33 in July) and can no longer consume the mass quantities of alcohol I was able to in college… hell, that I was able to 5 years ago.

I tried last Saturday night but with decidedly different results from 10 years ago (that’s something else I’m becoming to sense I am going to be having trouble coming to grips with… 10 years ago this summer I graduated from college… 10 years ago… 10 long… years… hijo de puta)

I started off with 1 beer when we got there. Meh. It didn’t taste good which means my body was telling me I wasn’t in the mood for beer. So I switched to Scotch and water… quite a few Scotch and waters. How many? I’m not sure; I lost count while I was playing Blackjack (and doing well; at one point I was even up 5 dollars… but then lost it on booze and women)

After Blackjack, and while we were holding the bar up and smoking some (very good) cigars, my brother and I turned to Crown Royals and water. (Interesting sidebar; at first it was hard to get the bartenders attention, but after we twice gave him a tip of $5, he was our bitch and then supplied us with very-generous amounts of CR in our glasses. At one point, he glanced at the President of the College and bypassed his drink order he could get us more… I told my wife to expect a call from him in the next few days…)

Back to the post at hand; age. I am old.

I can no longer drink a lot of alcohol and not feel the effects.

I can no longer eat mass amounts of food and no longer feel the effects.

I can no longer smoke more than 1 cigar a night without feeling the effects.

I. Am. Old. (To that I say to father time: ¡Chupapollas!)

I didn’t get sick that night (I never get physically ill after drinking) and didn’t have a hangover (remedy: drink, at the minimum, 6 pints of water) the next day… but I just felt… blah… incredibly blah… like I had been run over with a truck (which backed up a few times and ran me over again and again) forced to scale Mts. Fuji & Kilimanjaro and then forced to watch 24 straight hours of ‘Saved by the Bell: The College Years’

Don’t get me wrong, I did thoroughly enjoy myself (we all did), met our new neighbors (who are young… very, very young) talked some politics with a local alderman who is running for State Rep and may want me to write him some stump speeches (kick ass) and had an overall good time.

(Scott, next year you HAVE to go. No ifs. Ands. Or buts.)

BTW, in case any of you were wondering. None of us won any money. Not even one of the $100 pots… oh well, it was still a fun night out with family and friends (and no kids.. God love ‘em) and we will do it again next year

Just with better drink-pacing.

Mental iPod Song of the Day

Rather than not have any post on a given day, if I can’t think of anything interesting to say, I’ll throw out a new mental iPod Song of the Day.

This morning I hit shuffle so today’s mental iPod song of the day is Overkill by Colin Hay from the 'Scrubs' television soundtrack (and also from Colin Hay’s album Man at Work)

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night from overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
It's just overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away

Random Thoughts for a Wednesday Afternoon

It’s Wednesday so that means it’s time for my patented (in name only) Random Thoughts for a Wednesday Afternoon…

• If I hear one more thing about Kevin Federline, I’m gonna barf… uh, oh…here it comes…
• Why they’re doing it is beyond me but researchers continue to debate on the sequence of events before the Titanic sank. To me it seems like rearranging deck chairs on the... well... you know… Click HERE to read more about it.
• Do bears bear? Do bees be? Do ducks duck? Do flies fly? Do math majors multiply? Do eggs get laid?
• Ladies… be grateful that you didn’t marry THIS LOSER.
• Jimmy Cracks corn and I do care.
• All my blogging friends out there (and you know who you are) be aware that I found a link that is nothing but various memes/games to pass on to other bloggers…in fact…
• I did one of these and found myself to be a Linguistic thinker, who tend to think in words, like to use language to express complex ideas, are sensitive to the sounds and rhythms of words as well as their meanings. Careers which suit Linguistic thinkers include journalist, translator, poet, lyricist, writer. Other Linguistic Thinkers include William Shakespeare, Sylvia Plath, Anne Frank and Leonardo da Vinci. Want to try the test yourself? Click HERE.
• There is not always room for Jello
• Are the Olympics over yet?
• Gratuitous picture time. This is a picture of our daschund Zoie and one of my Aunt’s weimaraners, Cody (who had to be put down a few weeks ago) taken at my parent’s house this past Christmas.

Mental iPod Song of the Day

Hit shuffle on the ol’ iPod this morning, so today’s mental iPod song of the day is “Big Boys Bickering” by Paul McCartney.

BIG BOYS BICKERING,
THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE DOIN' EV'RYDAY.
BIG BOYS BICKERING,
FUCKIN' IT UP FOR EV'RYONE, EV'RYONE.

GUESS WHILE THEY'RE BETTING ON THE TRACK,
THEY'RE TRYIN' TO WIN YOUR MONEY BACK.
ALL OF THE TAXES THAT YOU PAID,
WENT TO FUND THE MASQUERADE.

BIG BOYS BICKERING,
THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE DOIN' ALL THE DAY.
BIG BOYS BICKERING,
FUCKIN' IT UP IN EV'RY WAY, EV'RY WAY.

WE STAND HERE WAITING
UNDERNEATH THE TOWER BLOCK.
WHO WILL WIN AND WHO WILL LOSE?
WHICH WAY DO THE BIG BOYS CHOOSE?
WHICH OF US WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT GOES ON?

WHO WILL WIN, WHO WILL LOSE?

SO WHILE THEY ARGUE THROUGH THE NIGHT,
SHAKIN' THEIR STICKS OF DYNAMITE,
BABIES ARE DYING THROUGH THE DAY,
THEY WANNA BLOW US ALL AWAY.

BIG BOYS BICKERING,
AND SO THE GAME GOES ON AND ON.
BIG BOYS BICKERING,
FUCKING IT UP FOR EV'RYONE, EV'RYONE,
FOR EV'RYONE, FOR EV'RYONE, FOR EV'RYONE,
FOR EV'RYONE, EV'RYONE.

FUCKING IT UP FOR EV'RYONE,
(Fuckin' it up for ev'ryone)
FUCKING IT UP FOR EV'RYONE,
EV'RYONE, EV'RYONE

Mental iPod Song of the Day

Saw this feature on another blog I frequent (Kemp ‘borrowing’ from a blog for his own blog? I am shocked. Shocked to find gambling in this establishment!)

Kemp’s mental iPod song of the day

This is a song that I listened to on my iPod while driving into work this morning.

‘Hallelujah’ performed by Jeff Buckley from The West Wing soundtrack

I heard there was a secret chord
that David played and it pleased the lord
but you don't really care for music, do you?
well it goes like this the fourth, the fifth
the minor fall and the major lift
the baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...

well your faith was strong but you needed proof
you saw her bathing on the roof
her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
she tied you to her kitchen chair
she broke your throne and she cut your hair
and from your lips she drew the hallelujah

Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...

baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew
you I've seen your flag on the marble arch
but love is not a victory march
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...

well there was a time when you let me know
what's really going on below
but now you never show that to me do you
but remember when i moved in you
and the holy dove was moving too
and every breath we drew was hallelujah

well, maybe there's a God above
but all I've ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
it's not a cry that you hear at night
it's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it is a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...

President's Day

No day off today, I am working. So, seeing as how it’s evolved into a bit of tradition, I present to you some President’s Day holiday facts.

Did you know?

• That contrary to popular belief, Presidents' Day (observed on the third Monday of February) honors Lincoln, Washington and ALL other past presidents of the United States of America. That means when you get elected, there's automatically a holiday honoring you - no matter how good (or not so good) you are at the job… I could say something about our current ‘Prez’ but it’s like shooting attorney’s in a field… it’s just too easy.
• The Office of Personnel Management (OPM - the Federal Government’s Human Resources Agency) states that, according to federal law, President’s Day is officially called Washington’s Birthday
• As far as historical scholars know, neither President Washington nor President Lincoln ever attended a President's Day sale.

Kemp’s Top Ten ‘President’s Day’ movies:

1. The Phantom President
2. Betty Boop for President
3. The President Vanishes
4. Kisses for My President
5. The Virgin President
6. Joe and Ethel Turp Call on the President
7. Olive Oyl for President
8. The American President
9. The President’s Analyst
10. All the President’s Men

President’s Day Trivia:

• President Taft was a large man and weighed about 322 pounds. A special bathtub was installed for him in the White House, big enough to hold four men.
• There have been 5 left-handed Presidents: James Garfield, Harry S. Truman, Gerald Ford, George Bush, and Bill Clinton.
• During his presidency, Ulysses S. Grant was arrested and fined $20 for driving his horse too fast.
• Nine Presidents did not attend college: George Washington, Andrew Jackson, Martin Van Buren, Zachary Taylor, Millard Fillmore, Abraham Lincoln, Andrew Johnson, Grover Cleveland, and Harry S. Truman.

History of President’s Day

The original version of the holiday was in commemoration of George Washington's birthday in 1796 (the last full year of his presidency). In 1796, many Americans celebrated his birthday on the 22nd while others marked the occasion on the 11th instead.

By the early 19th century, Washington's Birthday had taken firm root in the American experience as a bona fide national holiday. Its traditions included Birthnight Balls in various regions, speeches and receptions given by prominent public figures, and a lot of revelry in taverns throughout the land.

Then along came Abraham Lincoln, another revered president and fellow February baby (born on the 12th of the month). The first formal observance of his birthday took place in 1865 (the year after his assassination) when both houses of Congress gathered for a memorial address. While Lincoln's Birthday did not become a federal holiday like George Washington's, it did become a legal holiday in several states.

In 1968, legislation (HR15951) was enacted that affected several federal holidays, one of which was Washington's Birthday. The observation of his birthday was shifted to the third Monday in February each year whether or not it fell on the 22nd. This act, which took effect in 1971, was designed to simplify the yearly calendar of holidays and give federal employees some standard three-day weekends in the process.

Apparently, while the holiday in February is still officially known as Washington's Birthday it has become popularly (and, perhaps in some cases at the state level, legally) known as "President's Day." This has made the third Monday in February a day for honoring Washington and Lincoln, as well as all the other men who have served as president.

How about some past Presidential Campaign Slogans:

• William Henry Harrison – “Tippecanoe and Tyler Too”
• James K. Polk – “5440 or fight”
• Henry Clay – “Who is James K. Polk?” (Our thoughts exactly…)
• Grover Cleveland – “Blain, Blaine, James G. Blaine, The Continental Liar from the State of Maine” (at least it rhymed…)
• James Blaine – “Ma, Ma, Where’s my Pa, Gone to the White House, Ha, Ha, Ha” (at least it rhymed…)
• William McKinley – “A Full Dinner Party” (Isn’t that what Dolly Madison always said?)
• Woodrow Wilson – “He kept us out of war”
• Warren G. Harding – “Cox and cocktails” (I don’t even know where to begin…)
• Dwight Eisenhower – “I like Ike” (At least it rhymed…)
• Richard Nixon – “Nixon’s the One” (And number 2…)
• Jimmy Carter – “Not just Peanuts” (But jelly…)
• Ronald Reagan – “It’s morning again in America” (That’s how he remembered it anyway… sorry, that was in bad taste…)
• Bill Clinton – “Putting People First” (Especially interns…)
• George W. Bush – “Compassionate Conservatism” (Doesn’t apply to the VP while Quail hunting…)

Gratuitous President's Day photo:

TGIFF

Friday... Friday... Friday... Friday... Friday... FRIDAY!!!!!

It's Friday everyone. The end of the work week. The weekend is nigh (nigh??)

What do we have planned for this weekend?

• Friday night is the usual excitement. Grocery store. Whoo-hoo!

• Saturday morning The Peanut Butter & The Jelly have music class. Then my parents come in to town from St Louis for the weekend. Along with my brother and his girlfriend for the night. Why you ask... family picture Saturday afternoon. Yes... all of us, including the little ones. So you're all thinking to yourself... wow, Kemp's gonna need a drink after that... well, funny you should mention that.

• Saturday night my wife and I, along with my brother and his girlfriend, are going to a "Cash Bash." What's a Cash Bash you ask? Glad you asked...It's a fundraising event to raise money (imagine that) for the Community College my wife works at. For $100 per couple you get a food buffet, unlimited alcohol, and casino-type games (whoa...did I just get transported to a political lobbyist fundraiser?) You also get your name put into a drawing for $5,000.... $1,000... $500... and 10 chances for $100.

Unlimited food + Unlimited 'al-key-hall' + Gambling + Cigars + No kids = Hallelujah!!! (thank you Kevin Smith...)

Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, but a chance to go out for the evening while my parents watch them... it's... it's... I'm sorry... I promised myself I wouldn't cry....

Have a good weekend! Bye everybody!

Three Words: Pitchers & Catchers

Last baseball season was a very disappointing one for me.

First; my beloved Cardinals fell short of getting back to the World Series (and avenging their loss to the hated, despised and loathed, Boston Red Sox.) by losing in the National League Championship Series to the Houston Astros… (the Astros!? The Astros!? Come on now… how the f*** could you lose to the Astros!? I mean…, come on!! The Astros!!??…. breathe Kemp… one, two, three… calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean…)

Second, we said goodbye to Busch Memorial Stadium (a subject I have already waxed-poetic on, many, many times), the ‘cookie-cutter’ home of the Cardinals since before I was born. It was demolished to make way for Busch Stadium Part Two.

But now… my hopes are up. My joy is back.

Pitchers and catchers are reporting… say it loud and it sounds like heaven…. ‘pitchers and catchers are reporting’… gives me shivers. Pitchers and catchers don't actually begin working out until Friday, and it's another few days before the full squad is required to appear, but no three words in the English language can entice and captivate baseball fans as much as the words “pitchers and catchers” can…

I know that we are, once again, targeted by the rest of the NL Central, but the only team I am worried about is the Astros… (the Astros!? The Astros!? Come on now… how the f*** could you lose to the Ast—, sorry… my bad… I’m back on track now)

I am a little worried (very little, as little as the “President’s” approval ratings) about the Chicago Cubs. You know, the hated, loathed, despised and reviled Chicago Cubs. But then I think…it’s the Cubs, come on now…

Milwaukee, Pittsburgh, and Cincinnati? Meh. They made changes, but nothing that I think can overtake my boys in red.

And the Cards made some… moves in the off season. Nothing earth-shattering. We let Morris go, but I think we could have someone better than Morris in the wings with Anthony Reyes… or even Sidney Ponson could turn his career around with pitching coach Dave Duncan’s magic.

So I am hopeful… and optimistic… and psyched about the team.

I’m also psyched about something else about the Cardinals upcoming season…

The new Busch Stadium. It looks great. In fact, here’s a picture from the last day of demolition of Old Busch taken at 8:50 am on 12/9/2005, the new Busch is on the right…

And here’s a picture of the New Busch as of 11:39 am today, 2/16/2006. Don’t it look grand? A little over 2 months and look how far they have progressed…

How about all of you? I know some of you are baseball freaks. (Though I also believe that some of you like the Red Sox and the Yankees…I won’t say anything negative about any of you liking those teams… except ‘sorry.’)

Are any of you looking forward to the new season?

Random Thoughts for a Wednesday Afternoon

It’s a ritual on my other blog, so, rather than try to write up a long, drawn-out post I thought I would alter the title slightly and do it here on my personal blog.

Random Thoughts for a Wednesday Afternoon.

• Like Matthew, I received some good blogging info today. www.Dadbloggers.com has offered me the chance to join them as a regular contributor. My first post on the site should appear February 23rd. Yay for me.
• I watched War of the Worlds last night. I came away from the movie with one question… How the HELL does Dakota Fanning keep getting work?
• Does anyone really care if Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes break up?
• I am officially sick of the Olympics. Not so much the events, but the damn ‘human-interest’ angles. There is only so much ‘I want to win for [insert family member here]’ that one person can take.
• Is there really a market for Season One (or any season for that matter) of ‘Growing Pains’ on DVD? And if there is, should these people be allowed to procreate?
• Repeat the above thought but substitute “Gimme a Break’ for ‘Growing Pains’
• Will Dick “Dead Eye” Cheney now have trouble finding hunting partners?
• To Kill a Mockingbird should be required reading (and viewing) for every high school student in the country.
• To be honest, the winner of Best in Show is… kind of ugly.
• Is it just me or does a Bull Terrier’s head look like an egg?
• It’s obvious to me, but apparently not to others, that we'd all be a lot happier if we just came to grips with the fact that the Internet will, one day, offend us all. This columnist agrees.
• There’s a new game for baby boomers that will predict whether they will die within the next five years with 81% accuracy. That should make for some interesting early-bird dinner conversations shouldn’t it?
• The other blog I post on got over 500 visits on Monday. Our previous high was 133. All I can say to that is 'Holy Flurking Schnit.'
• How badly would the question; ‘In the future, do you plan to go on any hunting excursions with VP Dick Cheney?’ skew the results?
• And to think, when I woke up this morning I had no idea that I would see the words 'flamingo cup' and 'toilet' appear in the same sentence.

That's all I got...

Shout Out

I would be remiss if I did not do a quick shout-out to the creator of one of my all-time favorite shows...

Happy 52nd Birthday Matt Groening, this Duff's for you.

Valentine's Day

Ok, MetroDad beat me to it... so did Matthew over at ChildsPlay X2 ... I had started this post last night, fell asleep, and, not one of those who ever blogs at work… not me, no sirree (I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, you just can’t express sarcasm in the written word that well) I was going to post it this afternoon when I got home from work.

So instead of posting a story like that, I will start by saying I love my wife more and more each day. And each day I am grateful she is with me for eternity and has given us our beautiful daughters, The Peanut Butter and The Jelly. She laughs at my jokes, she compliments my cooking and, last but not least; she makes me a better man, husband, and father, and for that I can never thank you enough. I love you, always… and forever.

Now, rather than fill the remainder of this post with more saccharine, which we are probably all full of by now anyway, I present to you Valentine’s Day cards from the OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE set. Or as my brother said, think of these as Valentines Day cards from Adrian Monk.

(Special Statement: By no means is this post striving to make light of any serious problems or disorders… it is presented as satire… thank you)

• “Sweetheart, I've got you under my skin. I'll wash and wash, but you'll never come out.”
• “Roses are red, violets are blue. Sugar is sweet, and I think I left the iron on.”
• “I'm crazy for you! Get it? Crazy.”
• “BE MINE. Wait, that has six letters. Six letters is so unlucky. It's like YOU DIE. That's exactly what it's like. Now you're going to die and it's all my fault.”
• “Honey, I'm hot for you! It's like a fever. Do you think it's viral meningitis? I bet it is. I touched the light switch and who knows what germs were on there. Then I thought about you, and infected you-it's a viral brain infection, so of course it's transmitted through brain waves… that makes perfect sense. We should probably just drive to the hospital right now.”
• "You're all I think about… literally!”
• “You and me, sitting in a tree— oh, wait, that doesn't sound very safe, does it? Let's say we're sitting on a… couch instead. Huh. I… I wonder who sat on this couch before us. Maybe we should put some plastic wrap down…. yeah I think we'd better. Is this a new box of plastic wrap, or has it been opened for a while? Are you sure? OK. OK. Let's just say it’s new and move on. So we're sitting on a couch, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Except that I kind of feel this tingle on my lip? Like I might be getting a cold sore? Maybe we should just forget the whole thing.”
• “It's hard to tell, what with all the SSRI’s in my bloodstream, but I think I feel something for you.”
• “I'd touch you without gloves. If I could, I mean.”
• “I love you. Wait. That didn't feel right. Let me try it again. I love you. That didn’t come out right either… don't think about disease, don't think about disease, don't think about disease… I love you. There, I said it. Whew.”

Did you enjoy those? I knew you would. Ok… how about some

Inane Valentine’s Day trivia…
On this date in 1929, the "St. Valentine's Day Massacre" took place in Chicago, Illinois. Seven gangsters, all rivals of Al Capone, were killed. People think that it was Capone’s men that did the killing but they’re wrong. It was the seven gangster’s wives who didn’t even get a card, much less flowers or chocolates, for Valentine’s Day… Remember the saying: hell hath no fury like a woman forgotten on Valentine’s Day.

What’s that you say? Now you want some...

Historical background on Valentine’s Day?
As early as the fourth century B.C., the Romans engaged in an annual young man's rite to passage to the God Lupercus. The names of teenage women were placed in a box and drawn at random by adolescent men; thus, a man was assigned a woman companion for the duration of the year, after which another lottery was staged. After eight hundred years of this practice, the early church fathers sought to end it. They found an answer in Valentine, a bishop who had been martyred some two hundred years earlier.According to church tradition St. Valentine was a priest near Rome in about the year 270 A.D.

(At that time the Roman Emperor Claudius-II who had issued an edict forbidding marriage. This was around when the heyday of Roman empire had almost come to an end. Lack of quality administrators led to frequent civil strife. Learning declined, taxation increased, and trade slumped to a low, precarious level. And the Gauls, Slavs, Huns, Turks and Mongolians from Northern Europe and Asian increased their pressure on the empire's boundaries. The empire was grown too large to be shielded from external aggression and internal chaos with existing forces. Thus more of capable men were required to be recruited as soldiers and officers)

When Claudius became the emperor, he felt that married men were more emotionally attached to their families, and thus, will not make good soldiers. So to assure quality soldiers, he banned marriage.

Valentine, a bishop , seeing the trauma of young lovers, met them in a secret place, and joined them in the sacrament of matrimony. Claudius learned of this "friend of lovers," and had him arrested. The emperor, impressed with the young priest's dignity and conviction, attempted to convert him to the roman gods, to save him from certain execution. Valentine refused to recognize Roman Gods and even attempted to convert the emperor, knowing the consequences fully.

On February 24, 270, Valentine was executed, but not before, while in prison awaiting his fate, he came in contact with his jailor, Asterius.

It seems Asterius had a blind daughter and requested Valentine heal his daughter. Through his faith he miraculously restored the sight of Asterius' daughter.

Just before his execution, he asked for a pen and paper from his jailor, and signed a farewell message to her "From Your Valentine," a phrase that lived ever after.Valentine thus became a Patron Saint, and the spiritual overseer of an annual festival. The festival involved young Romans offering women they admired, and wished to court, handwritten greetings of affection on February 14. The greeting cards contained St. Valentine's name.

And now you know… the rest. Of. The story.

Still hungry for more? How about...

Kemp’s Top Ten Valentine’s Day/Romantic Movies:

1. Casablanca
2. Pride & Prejudice
3. The Philadelphia Story
4. Reality Bites
5. Before Sunrise
6. Amelie
7. Chasing Amy
8. It Happened One Night
9. Say Anything
10. The Princess Bride

Now how about the...

Worst (so-called) Romance Movies:

1. Gigli
2. From Justin to Kelly

Really, isn’t that enough?

Still hungry for more Valentine's Day-related madness? Ok. Here’s...

How to say “I love you” in other languages.

• Danish -- "Jeg elsker dig"
• Dutch -- "Ik hou van jou"
• Esperanto -- "Mi amas vin"
• French -- "Je t'aime"
• German -- "Ich liebe Dich"
• Indonesian -- "Saya cinta kamu"
• Italian -- "Ti amo"
• Japanese -- "Aishite imasu"
• Latin -- "Te amo"
• Mandarin Chinese -- "Wo ai ni"
• Polish -- "Kocham cie"
• Romanian -- "Te iu besc"
• Russian -- "Ya vas liubliu"
• Spanish -- "Te amo"
• Swedish -- "Jag alskar dig"
• Turkish -- "Seni seviyorum"

And now… a gratuitous Valentine’s Day picture of my twin daughters, The Peanut Butter and The Jelly. Happy Valentine's Day everyone...