Wednesday, May 30, 2007



Director Mike Figgis (Leaving Las Vegas, Timecode) was going through security at LAX when he was asked the reason for his visit.

He responded by saying; "I'm here to shoot a pilot."

Five hours after immigration and airport officials got online and figured out that, "pilot" has more than one meaning, he was released.

Don't you feel safe that our airports are hiring the best and brightest...

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Went to a picnic and an Amish barn-raising broke out

Honey Mustard, The Peanut Butter, The Jelly and I were going to a Memorial Day picnic at the home of one of my sisters-in-law yesterday.

The fete was scheduled to start at 4:00… and unbeknownst to me, my father-in-law, brother-in-law and his Dad were erecting (heh heh heh… I said erect…) a wooden swingset… a task they started at Noon.

So, needless to say, from 4:00 until (no lie) 9:15 in the evening, the four of us, joined later by my sister-in-law’s fiancĂ©, put the set together.

I could go into detail of how the process went, but A: I don't have that kind of time, and B: I honestly don't think I have enough swear-words in my vocabulary to do the story justice.

What I can say is this; when it comes time to upgrade The Peanut Butter and The Jelly’s playset, I’m gonna splurge on a little extra money and have professionals install it… lest my children be playing on something that looks like it was put together by Homer Simpson.

Because the kids did not having a swingset to play with, I was the adult of the day when I quickly ran home and got The PB & The J’s birthday present from my parents. How do you think THIS THING went over with nine kids ages 23 month to 15 years?
Yeah... I was the hero of the day...

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Kemp's 7-word Movie Review

This week's offering; Shrek 3.

"They should have stopped at number two."

That is all...

Friday, May 25, 2007

Ya remember that post a few weeks ago wherein I said I wasn’t going to do this blog anymore and how I had lost my spark to write and yada, yada, yada?


I’d like you all to forget that post mmkay? Thanks…

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Happy Birthday to The Peanut Butter & The Jelly

Dear The PB & The J:

It was five years ago today… at 4:19 PM… that you came into this world.

The PB, you came out loud and crying at 4 pounds, 14ounces.

The J, you came out ‘floppy and unresponsive’ at 4 pounds, 3 ounces and with 10 tangles in your umbilical cord.

But you were healthy, and for that your Mother and I are eternally grateful.

After three weeks of life in the NICU, we brought you home. To say your Mommy and I were nervous would be a colossal understatement…

We were scared to death.

Dozens of questions went through our heads; ‘Would we be good parents?’, ‘Would we be so-so parents?’… ‘Would we be parents that you would have to talk to therapists about when you’re both older?’

There were adjustments, and some of them were hard to... well, adjust to. Some weren't... like sleep, since you both started to sleep through the night around 4 months of age...

You crawled...

You walked...

You talked...

You sassed...


You’ve grown..

Happy Birthday girls… I love you both very, very much… more than anything else in the world, and will continue to do so, always... and forever..

Love Daddy

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

A Rant on the blog that refuses to die

I am literally sick to my stomach and am in desperate need of some ranting and venting, hence yet another post on the blog that refuses to die.

Some of you may remember that Honey Mustard and I
put a bid on a new and larger house a few weeks ago with a contingency of it passing a home inspection.

Well, the inspection was today… and the house failed in a more spectacular fashion than George W. Bush would a public speaking class.

In other words, it wasn’t pretty.

When the home inspector with over 30 years experience says that the house is “a pit” and is “a fire waiting to happen” because of the electrical system and he is “amazed the house hasn’t caught fire yet”, you know you’re in trouble.

The inspector went room to room and went over each room with a fine-tooth comb and found so many things wrong with it that it would take me until Christmas 2009 to list them all, but here are a few of the better ones:

  • Upstairs bathroom leaks into downstairs bathroom (Convenient…)
  • Downstairs bathroom leaks into the basement
  • The exhaust fan on the stove/oven doesn’t go outside as Illinois law dictates; rather it goes into the attic. Meaning if a fire occurred on the stove, the entire house would go up in flames.
  • The outlets in every room are installed incorrectly.

Needless to say, we are going to rescind our offer.

These are things that no one; not me, not HoMu, not my father-in-law or mother-in-law, or my Mom and Dad noticed when we went through the house.

Granted, it’s a positive that we discovered it BEFORE we bought it and moved in, but still… we liked the layout of this house… we liked the looks of the house… we liked the yard…

And now we’re back at square one.

I can sum up my feelings in one concise word;


Thanks for allowing me the chance to vent. Carry on…

Friday, May 04, 2007

One Last Post: Happy Birthday Mr Big Dubya!!!

Yes, I've already broken my vow of not posting anymore, but this... this is a special occassion...

Kara over at Cape Buffalo is throwing a virtual birthday party for everyone's blogmigo Mr. Big Dubya.

For a virtual birthday gift I present to him: a couple of cubans...

Damn Blogger... I mean these types of Cubans:


Wednesday, May 02, 2007

And the curtain drops...

Sorry about the cryptic post earlier this week, but I was in a rush and didn’t want to be talked out of something.

I know I’ve flirted with this in the past but now it’s time.

It’s time to end this blog.

In the last few weeks, readership, comments and visitors have dropped dramatically and, as a result, I have not been in much mood to write.

I plan to continue with TBWA, The Blogfathers (if they still want me) and DDS (which I hope makes me elligible for the Blogpound next Fantasy Football season - hint, hint Tony...) it's just that I feel it’s time to bring this blog to an end as I have been in a severe case of writer's block for a few weeks now. I have the second and third part of my Vegas story ready, but it's... for lack of a better word... off. It doesn't make sense, it's unfunny and, in all honesty, it's cruel to a certain demographic.

I will be keeping the URL active on the off chance I am ever hit upside the head with a sledgehammer with a thought and need to express it.

Having said that, however, this will cease to be an "active" blog.

I seem to have lost my "blog muse" if you will and I don't know where it is.

For all of you that have been loyal readers, and I know there are a few, I want to give you a sincere "Thank you… and goodbye."