The Fiercest Battle

Every night my wife and I get settled in under the covers. We give each other a kiss and say, "I love you".

Beautiful, isn’t it?

But that is where the congeniality ends… and the savage battle begins.

A battle… for space and covers.


A battle where acreage is gained or lost inch by inch through the fighting of which the rules of engagement do not apply.

I am talking, of course, of sharing a bed.

When I was single, my bed seemed huge! It was like having a back yard in my bedroom. (Sometimes when I awoke in the night and had trouble getting back to sleep, I would just get up and wander around my bed for awhile, always amazed at what wonder I would discover… ok, I’m making that up, but work with me here, I’m leading up to something)

So how is it that getting married and adding one small person to this huge posturepedic expanse would leave me without sufficient room to sleep, let alone wander.

When I sleep, I SLEEP…and I need room I need to be able to roll, kick and thrash (much like a person does when they are grabbed by a crocodile…and least that’s what Paul Hogan said in Crocodile Dundee…and he has never steered me wrong).

In getting married, this can no longer be done without causing great bodily harm to my wife.

She, as well, felt as though her personal sleeping area was being threatened by the co-existence.

Thus, the battle began.

A push here and a scoot there eventually became a kick here, and an "accidental" arm stretch to the chops, there.

I became so accustomed to fighting over every precious inch that I was soon able to carry on the combat even after falling asleep.

In the morning, my wife would say things like,"you mean you don't remember standing over me wielding your pillow like a samurai sword and screaming to the Lord Almighty above that you couldn't take anymore?”

Thinking I was being clever, I tried constructing a barrier down the middle of the bed with two by fours (painting it a very pleasant beige, might I add). But it was not meant to be as I returned from work one evening to find that my wife, who claims to have no carpentry skills whatsoever, had torn down and perfectly rebuilt the barrier a foot more in her favor.

Touché.

The bed space is not the only area that is fought over. The covers are as well.

At times, I don’t want any covers on me. (I may be hot and trying to cool off) My wife thinks that this is a sign that she can wrap herself up in the covers like a burrito and go to sleep. I have, without success, tried explaining to my wife that that does not mean I do not want covers throughout the entire night, just at this precise moment.

Other times, I will be sleeping soundly when a sudden chill awakens me. I look around and discover that I am no longer covered, but rather, uncovered. My wife, while in a sleeping state, yanked the covers, sheets, blankets off of me and again wrapped herself up like a burrito.

After years of fighting and lack of sleep, I tried to come up with a viable solution (you think drafting an Iraqi Constitution is hard, try writing an husband/wife equal cover-sharing concept agreement).

Separate covers. She has hers, I have mine. We still share a sheet, but for blankets, we are on our own.

And we couldn’t be happier.

Thought of the Day

"It holds the heat well!"

- Casey Stengel, speaking about Busch Stadium, during the 1966 All-Star Game

Son of a bi***!!!!

Well, that's it. It's over. The fat lady has sung.

The St. Louis Cardinals' season...(sigh)

...is over.

The Cardinals could not create magic in a bottle as they did Monday night and lost to the Houston Astros in game 6 of the National League Championship Series (NLCS).

Final score Houston 5 - St. Louis 1. Astros take the series 4-2.

It pains me to say this...but congratulations Houston. You played extraordinarily well. The World Series is next for you.

I will let all you know that, even though I am a National League fan at heart...I will have to root (and believe me it pains me more when I say this) for the White Sox...(I never thought I would hear myself say those words)

Watching the game tonight with my brother Al, I kept thinking about all the great memories I have had at Busch Stadium over my years (to get a better idea, check out an earlier entry:
http://blogofkemp.blogspot.com/2005_09_01_blogofkemp_archive.html

But...I honestly can't say if I am more sad about the end of the Cardinals season...or the end of Busch Stadium (I'll give a minute for all the Cardinal fans out there to let that sink in) A few weeks from now the wrecking balls will come out to raze the old girl...and for that...I am a tad heartbroken. But I know, like tonight's loss, I will get over it.

Goodnight and goodbye Busch...I, and all other Cardinal fans, will miss you...

Thought of the Day

“It's hard to take positive steps, when you've burned the bridge you got to walk across.”

– J.D. Dorian (Zach Braff), from Scrubs

The Trouble with Umpires

I was going to take this spot today to write about my weekend trip with the family down to southern Illinois for a wedding, but another subject arose that has stuck itself in my craw and I HAVE to rant about it, lest my head explode.

Quick show of hands - who saw game 4 of the NLCS Sunday? If you did, you saw the most repulsive, mistake-laden act of umpiring since…well, since game 2 of this year’s ALCS. (You listening Mr Selig? Mistakes are being made and you HAVE to fix them)

My beloved Cardinals are not new to being hosed by umpires (you can check out this link for a further explanation on that. hint: Don Denkinger is the name) http://espn.go.com/page2/s/list/worstcalls/010730.html

But my beloved Redbirds got screwed with their pants on AGAIN by a mask-wearing ignoramus as NL “umpire” Phil Cuzzi decided to get his turn of the spotlight during Sunday’s game in Houston and made himself the focal point of the game instead of the Cardinals or Astros.

First, he ejected Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa for arguing an indecipherable and incomprehensible strike zone that seemed to be moving in every other direction with every new pitch (a ‘floating’ strike zone was how it was described by many columnists..I just call it bvllsh**)

Then he threw outfielder Jim Edmonds out too, after a pitch that was so far out of the strike zone that even my 3-year old twins knew it wasn’t a strike. The Fox announcers (who have been kissing the Astros butts this whole series by the way) even stated that an ump does not throw people out of a playoff game for only arguing. (Here’s an update and a candidate for the ‘Duh” of the Week: Bob DuPuy, MLB's president and chief operating officer, told MLB.com that the pitch to Edmonds might have been out of the strike zone.)

But this schmuck did just that. Had this moron worked the game blindfolded, it would have made NO difference on his ball-strike calling as he was also hopeless and arrogant, which are traits everyone wants in all umpires, right?

The next question then is; who the hell is Phil Cuzzi anyway? Well, with the help of my friends at Google as well as St Louis Post Dispatch online columnist Jeff Gordon, I learned a little more about the putz behind the mask and found some clues as to why this man should not be umpiring a little league baseball game, let alone a MLB Playoff game:

He attended the Harry Wendelstedt Umpire School in 1982 and 1983, THEN the Joe Brinkman Umpire School in 1984. Not once after three years of umpire school did this idiot get offered a job. (That should be clue number 1)

Finally, after another trip to the Wendelstedt School, he was hired to work in the rookie-level New York-Penn League.

Cuzzi worked eight years in the minors before getting up to Class AAA level and reaching the major leagues for 95 games of fill-in work. In 1993 he was passed over for promotion as six other umpires got the call-up. After that season, Cuzzi was fired (clue number 2)

He then spent the next three years living with his mother and working odd jobs. (That’s nice and normal, isn’t it? Whatever else it is, it's also clue number 3)

While working at the Short Hills (N.J.) Hilton, he waited outside a hotel room so he could speak to National League president Leonard Coleman and beg him for another chance to be an umpire. He got it, albeit after heading BACK to umpire school and starting over at the Class A level AGAIN (clue 4).

He worked his way back up the ladder and reached the majors again in 1999, as a fill-in then getting hired as a replacement umpire when Major League Baseball accepted the resignation of 22 umpires during a rather ugly labor dispute of a few years before (clue 5)

I counted 4 clues that show this unpredictable and unreliable nimrod should never have been given the chance to umpire a playoff game – am I oversimplifying things too much??

So his umpiring “education” record looks sketchy, so let’s now take a look at the schmoe’s officiating, as painful as it may be.

In 2000, Cuzzi worked the plate in a controversial game between the Red Sox and Devil Rays that saw 8 D-Rays ejected; Gerald Williams was tossed for charging the mound and manager Larry Rothschild for arguing that (Red Sox pitcher) Pedro Martinez should have been tossed as well. D-Ray pitchers Dave Eiland, Cory Lidle and Tony Fiore were tossed for throwing at Red Sox batters. The two acting managers from the game, Bill Russell and Jose Cardenal, also got the boot, and Greg Vaughn was ejected for protesting a seemingly wide called third strike in the seventh, his third strikeout of the night.’ (Wow, much like Sunday’s game 4…hmmmm?)

(Want more examples of his thirst for the limelight and his ineptitude of officiating? Well, here ya go)

In 2003, Cuzzi incurred the wrath of the Red Sox (again) after ejecting pitcher Casey Fossum just 13 pitches into the game for hitting Raul Ibanez with NO WARNING to either bench being issued.

(Want more? Ok) Cuzzi had a couple of well-publicized run-ins with the Toronto Blue Jays in that same year. In June, the Jays complained about his suddenly massive strike zone, said then-Jays slugger Carlos Delgado, “There’s no need to ask because a major league umpire should not miss a call like that.”

Later, when Roy Halladay was gunning for his 23rd victory, Cuzzi ejected him for hitting Rocco Baldelli with a pitch. Even Baldelli said it was a bad call. The Blue Jays, complained but it fell on deaf ears.

Last year Cuzzi got into it with the Phillies over his strike zone in a game against the Orioles when he ejected back-up catcher Todd Pratt. (Pratt, it should be noted, was in the dugout when he got the boot; an amazing trick if I’ve ever seen one, it's like throwing your voice, but with more annoyance)

So you get the general idea. Here’s a man who had to maneuver his way to the big leagues (after failing at it many times before) before getting in through the back door ONLY because 22 other umps lost their jobs. And now he is umpiring the National League Championship Series when the rest of the world is watching.

Which is scarier? That Cuzzi is, in fact, officiating the NLCS, or the fact that he doesn’t mind making himself the focal point of his games when it should be the teams and the players that are the focal point?

This is another example of how Bud Selig (who – in being a former owner – has NO right to be commissioner, but that’s for another day) is slowly destroying the sport of baseball.

I miss A. Bartlett Giamatti and often find myself wondering if his son Paul (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0316079/ ) would be as good a commissioner as he is an actor…

My Twins: A Redux

Taking a few days off from blogging this weekend as I have an out-of-town wedding to go to. So rather than allow people to visit and see nothing updated, I thought I would re-post one of my earlier rants, if you haven’t read it, it’s new to you…hope you enjoy it.

My twins are getting bigger every day, and older. And as they are growing older, they can now speak in complex (for a three-year old anyway) sentences. This has given them new ways of communicating with me and with each other (though the latter was never a problem – gotta love twin language). It's interesting to hear the thoughts running through their heads that were previously unknown to us. Now, instead of just bouncing around in their head, they say it…and sometimes, what they say can be an absolute doozy. The other day, while my wife, the girls and I were in the SUV (I know, but at least it’s not a minivan), one of them said, out of the blue: ‘daddy laid a big turd.’

Ooookayyyy. Where that I came from, I have no idea, but there it was…out in the open.

(Now, some of you may be asking where a three-year old learned the word ‘turd’ from. That, sad to say, is my fault. During potty training one day, after one of them had successfully ‘gone potty’ in the toilet, I told her she had laid a big turd. Before I could stop myself from saying the word – they had it memorized and it has been in both of their lexicons ever since. They never remember the words you want them to remember, but they certainly do remember the ones you don’t want them to heat, much less remember, instantaneously.)

The other day, while I was busy getting ready for work and trying to help my wife get them ready for daycare, I told one of them to please hurry up because we have to leave soon. One of them responded by saying: "Drink your coffee, daddy."

It escaped me at that time, but I then realized that I had just been ‘sassed’ and put in my place…by a three year old.

Ouch.

I’ve always been a bit of a smart-ass (people who know me that read this column are saying to themselves: A BIT???), and my wife had really been hoping that our daughters would not inherit that trait from me.

Evidently, no such luck.

They are well on their way to becoming ‘world-class smart-asses’ like their father.

Better that than a Republican.

Originally posted August 27, 2005

Have a good weekend, don’t get into too much trouble, and remember, if you get arrested, don’t call me for bail money.

Thought of the Day

“Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation.”

- Edward R. Murrow

Applaud & Heckle

APPLAUD: The Red Sox AND the Yankees are out of the baseball playoffs. That (along with the fact the Cardinals won the first game of thier second straight NLCS) has me happier than a New England clam. Now, if we can only get the Patriots to suck…wait a minute, that may already be happening… (Is it just me or is it becoming as hip and likable to hate all the Boston/New England teams, as it is all the New York teams? I think it is.)

HECKLE: to Yoko Ono. Come on already Yoko leave Sir Paul alone. You want to know why nobody covers John’s songs? One word: YOU! If they wanted to cover them, they would have to get your permission. That would mean talking to you, and no one wants to do that…

APPLAUD: to Gore in '08: U.S. News says that Al Gore might be eyeing a run for the White House in 2008. Great, just keep your mouth shut about that whole ‘inventing the internet’ jive.

HECKLE: to the year of the disaster. Let’s look at the last 12 months. We have had a catastrophic tsunami that killed thousands, a couple of category 5 hurricanes that have killed thousands (and the ‘season’ isn’t over yet), and an horrifying earthquake in Asia that has killed tens of thousands. So naturally Pat Robertson says it's all a prelude to the ‘earthly’ return of Jesus (or Jebus as Homer Simpson would say). Make your own comment here.

APPLAUD: to Louis Nye, who died Sunday. For those of you who do not know, he was a comedian in the highest order. For a better explanation, check out this link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Louis_Nye

HECKLE: George W. Bush. His polling numbers remain lower than rating’s for Martha Stewart’s Apprentice. But a change may be coming (wink wink – nudge nudge). This past weekend, pundits on TV were saying that a new tax code overhaul would help raise his numbers. Sure, doing that would make everyone forget about Iraq, the economy, cronyism, DeLay, Frist, Abramoff, Libby, Rove, Avian flu, the (piss-poor) response to Katrina, the (too good this time) response to Rita, gas prices, heating oil prices, spiraling debt, soaring health care costs and the looming Medicare crisis. (Whatever)

APPLAUD? HECKLE?: I honestly don’t know where to place this one. St Louis Rams head coach Mike Martz will be sidelined at least six weeks because of what is believed to be a bacterial infection of the heart valve. This one can’t be categorized until after the season, though I know a LOT of St Louis fans are hoping he resigns. My opinion? Well, it’s in 2 parts: 1st: forget about football Mike and get better. Your health is more important. 2nd: this could revitalize a struggling club who may, as clichéd as it may be, want to win for their sick coach.

HECKLE: to “President” Bush. Just (as before) on general principles alone.

APPLAUD: to 900-year-old Vinny Testaverde who quarterbacked the Jets to victory over the Buccaneers this past Sunday. Two weeks ago he was sitting at home on his couch watching the Jets. This past Sunday he guided them to victory. That’s impressive any way you look at it.

HECKLE: Condoleezza Rice. Why? Well, we haven’t seen her around much lately; so you have to think that she is up to no good and deserves a good heckle.

APPLAUD: The Center for Policy Alternatives (CPA). It’s the nation's only nonpartisan, nonprofit organization working to strengthen the capacity of state legislators to lead and achieve progressive change. Check out their website for some interesting and insightful reading. http://www.cfpa.org/

APPLAUD: to my other blog (done in conjunction with best friend Scott) for adding a polling feature. Check it out and vote http://thebushwhackedleague.blogspot.com/. There will be a new poll every week.

HECKLE: to my local school board. Those of you who are steady readers of this blog know that I applied for an open school board seat (check the archives for my previous entries). It turns out that the rumor going around town (and one that I mentioned in my earlier posting) is that the individual who was selected was (wait for it…) was coached by the board. Pathetic, isn’t it? I guarantee I will be a force to reckon with in the next election.

APPLAUD: and a tip o’ the hat to the Daily Kos for supplying me with this one: “There's a new nickel design showing Thomas Jefferson with an odd facial expression. C&J translates his thoughts: ‘You turned the executive branch over to whom??’”

HECKLE: the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (give me a break) for beating the Chicago White Sox on Tuesday. I am rooting for the White Sox in the AL because I want a Cardinals/White Sox World Series. Why? 2 reasons: 1. It’s good for baseball. 2. It would thoroughly annoy Cubs fans that their two sworn enemies were facing off in the Fall Classic while they watched at home. Hee hee hee hee

HECKLE: to Rick Moranis (yes, THAT Rick Moranis, he of SCTV, The MacKenzie Brothers, Little Shop of Horrors, etc.) who has released a country music album. I took a listen on his website (http://www.rickmoranis.com/), and it’s a toss up as to who has the worse country album: Rick Moranis or Steven Seagal; the call is yours.

APPLAUD: to all our Jewish friends out there who are celebrating Yom Kippur. Le'chaim!

Thought of the Day

“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”

Mortimer Brewster (Cary Grant) from Arsenic and Old Lace

Gone Blocko!

There are days when having this blog is useful. Like a day when you have so much to vent about, that 2 or 3 entries can be created out of one event, or a day you hear something on the radio or TV or something you read in the newspaper (am I the only one that still reads a newspaper?) that makes your skin crawl or blood boil and you have to write about THAT.

And then … there are days like this, when nothing clicks, when the portion of your brain marked blog ideas looks as empty as a theater showing an Aston Kutcher movie (as if the very idea of an Aston Kutcher movie doesn’t make most people shudder and cringe anyway)

Sitting at my computer on this crisp fall night, after my daughters have fallen asleep and my wife is working on homework towards her Masters degree, and with so many things happening in the world and so many avenues to explore I can honestly say that the gate is down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain’t a-comin’.

This isn’t writer's block (I will refrain from calling it ‘bloggers block’ for those of you that think blogging is a useless concept – I’m talking to you Bill O’Reilly!!), this is more like a subdivision, or a county, or even a state. My head is rejecting ideas like they are President Bush’s Supreme Court nominees.

I could write about sports. The NFL is at the quarter point and I can opine about surprises and disappointments. Or I can write about baseball and the Cardinals’ return (I hope) to the Series. Hell, I could even write about the NHL…but who would read that?

I could write about my twins and the fascinating things they have done or gotten into lately.

I could write about politics, but I have a separate blog for that now (http://thebushwhackedleague.blogspot.com/)

I could write about why I haven't written lately, but my good friend Scott already did that:
(http://scottsrantspot.blogspot.com/)

I could, I suppose, write an entry about Britney Spears taking her bra off of E-Bay...

Nah, that won't work.

Let's go back to sports, why not write another entry about sports?

Well, the football teams I follow (the St Louis Rams and the Chicago Bears) both suck. As do the Blues in the NHL.

College football? Well, my alma mater, Eastern Illinois University is having an adequate season, but they play in Division 1-AA so they don’t get much exposure. Local colleges? Northwestern, Notre Dame and Illinois are all within one hour of me, but, come on now.

The Cardinals are in pursuit of another World Series berth, but I want to refrain from writing about that, lest I create a jinx that would make me the scorn of Cardinal society.

All of these are viable prospects, but my brain says no. And by that I mean that my brain is not allowing me to come up with anything clever or entertaining about any of those subjects (and some of you are saying to yourself; ‘that’s never stopped you before Kemp.’ To that I say…bite me.)

And that’s the end of it. My brain is a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic, all preparation and no ‘H’. Put it another way – I’m spent.

The hell with it, I won't write anything. Though, I just did didn’t I? Isn’t it strange how things work out?

Thought of the Day

“When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.”

- Hunter S. Thompson

Strange Bedfellows: Baseball and TV Execs

Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely ecstatic about the Cardinal's victory late Saturday nig-- sorry, EARLY Sunday morning.

But: by the time Padres’ pitcher Woody Williams threw the first pitch of Game 3, Major League Baseball's bedtime special, the Cardinals and Padres had played only one game since late Tuesday afternoon. That's a span of 4 1/2 calendar days, covering more than 100 hours.

Absolutely absurd.

Game 1 in St. Louis started at noon Central, which presumably shut out many working Padres fans who had no opportunity to watch a game that began at 10 a.m. on the West Coast. A baseball breakfast might be a fun and doable diversion on the weekends, but not on a Tuesday morning. (And the afternoon starting times of Games 1 and 2 also put many St. Louis fans in the position of choosing between baseball and work, baseball and getting paid.)

Saturday’s schedule was idiotic. Assuming that the contest would last about three hours, Game 3's starting time of 10:00 P.M. (10:09 p.m. for all you OCD types) St. Louis time required Cardinals fans to stay up past 1 a.m. (I personally, after attending my wife’s 15 year High School Reunion – and drinking a little in the process --, stayed up until after 1:30 AM Sunday morning to see the end of the game)

And let us not forget that this franchise does have a healthy national following, so how about those on the East Coast? Fans or not, would you be able to stay awake beyond 2 a.m.?

This rude scheduling is outrageous, made worse by something that was brought to my attention by St. Louis Post Dispatch columnist Bernie Miklasz who stated in a column in the online edition of the paper that in 2002, the Cardinals played an NLDS game at Arizona that began after 10 p.m., which caused an embarrassed Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig to apologize to the fans of St. Louis and then declared that he would ban late-night starts in the future.

Selig must have been taking lessons from the GOP, cause he lied.

Three years later, Bud once again decided to kneel down before the Lords of TV and grant them a schedule that THEY wanted.

I know baseball is a business, in fact I have written an earlier blog about that fact, but, a 10:00PM start is still ridiculous. How exactly that is better TV business is beyond me. No other division series was as split-up as the Cardinals and Padres were. The three other series had schedules calling for the teams to play their first two games on consecutive days, take a day off, and then play the final three games without another break. The Cardinals and Padres on the other hand had more days off (two) than games (one).

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

The Baseball powers that be say that one reason for spreading the postseason schedule out is to make sure that no two baseball postseason games are on at the same time (cause, you know, the NFL doesn’t do that…wait a minute, yes they do. Well, the NBA do--…no, they do to. College football does it. The NHL does it. Hell, even the Olympics do it.)

The purported reason for this is to give the fans a chance in theory to see every game (In theory? In the words of Homer J. Simpson, “In theory, communism works…in theory.”)

Ok. Sure. They make it easier for fans to see all the games, except when they decide to put the start time at 10:00 PM.Saturday though, St. Louis and San Diego got the last laugh.The Chicago White Sox vs. Boston Red Sox series was already over (Being a Card fan and being at Game 4 of the World Series last year when the Sox swept the Cards, it was an ABSOLUTE pleasure to see the Red Sox get kicked out of the playoffs…that’s Karma. And add to that the fact that the White Sox’ success is annoying Cubs' fans...well, that's a bargain at half the price)

Game 4 of the Anaheim Angels vs. New York Yankees was rained out. (I HATE the Yankees even MORE than the Cubs by the way)Baseball had no playoff game to televise during the early afternoon hours, and was empty for the late-afternoon slot.

A nice lesson for Major League Baseball, but I still feel like all us Cardinal fans got screwed with our pants on.

First year with twins. A father's POV

My twins are well past the one year old mark, but I wanted to take an opportunity to speak to all the new twin fathers out there and give some friendly advice. So here it is...

People always ask my wife and I: “How did you ever do it with two babies? I just can’t imagine it”. My answer is always the same…we just do. We just do what needs to be done. Yes, it’s hard, and yes, it’s exhausting, and yes, it’s stressful. But we find a way to get the things done that need to be done.

And that is the key, finding a way that works for you and your spouse. I’ve listed some things in this article that have worked for us, maybe you can use some of the same things to help you through the first year.

Get into a routine
I can’t stress this one enough. In my opinion, this is the most important thing during the first year if you’ve two or more babies under the age of one at home…get everyone into a routine and stick to it. Feed them at the same time, change diapers at the same time, put them down for naps at the same time, put them to bed at the same time. If you feed them at the same time, you always know when they have been fed last. You won’t be wondering, “who did I just feed?” And you WILL be asking those kinds of questions, trust me. (Also, if you put them down for a nap at the same time, you can take sleep yourself! – Sleep? I’ve heard of this, this is one of those urban legends right? No, it does exist for new parents, but, keep in mind that I’m not saying that you can sleep as much as you did before you had children -- those days are LONG gone my friend -- but try and get as many hours of quality sleep in a row as you can)

If you don’t get into a routine like this, you will always be feeding a baby, or changing diapers, or trying to get one of them to fall asleep. It won’t be long and you’ll be worn out, because there’s always be something to do. It’s a vicious circle.

Divide and Conquer
For those guys who are out there that still believe it’s a woman’s job to take care of the baby, that’s just not going to work with twins. If you expect your wife to feed the babies, dress them, give them baths, change all of the diapers, put them down for naps, she’s going to be very tired and very irritable (and not PMS irritable – multiply the WORSE you have ever seen your wife’s moods by 200 and you STILL won’t be anywhere close. You know the saying, “when mom’s not happy, ain’t nobody happy”, Truer words have never been spoken)

So guys…get used to helping out. That includes helping out with the babies and around the house. Don’t be afraid to change a diaper, make a bottle, do the dishes, mop the floor. In fact, it’s even better if you do these things without being asked or told to do them first. Trust me, it will be easier on everyone. Having two babies at one time is very time-consuming and there are always lots of things to do. Pitch in and your marriage as well as the babies will reap the benefits.

Make time for yourself
As anyone with kids can tell you, once in awhile you just need to get away and have some time for yourself. As much as you love your kids, sometimes you need time without them, it doesn’t mean you love them any less, you just need a little break. My wife and I are both pretty flexible when it comes to allowing each other some time away. I don’t mind when she goes to a movie with her sisters, or goes with her friends to a Mom of Twins Club meeting. She gives me the same freedom to play golf or go smoke a cigar at the cigar store once in awhile with my friends.

As long as neither one of you take it to an extreme, you should encourage each other to do it.You also need to make sure you work in some time where you and your spouse spend time together without the kids. Don’t feel guilty about it…think of it as a sanity check! My wife and I try and get one of our parents or siblings to watch the kids once in awhile while we go out for dinner or even for a weekend away. However you do it, just make sure you and your spouse make some time for each other without the kids.

The house just isn’t going to be as clean
Before my wife and I started having kids, we were both kind of anal about keeping the house spotless, straightened up, and things just so (okay, truthfully, that was more of my wife's ideal. Me, I'm happy as long as there are no killer dust-bunnies lurking around). It hasn’t been that way for quite awhile now…and you know what, it just doesn’t matter. Suck it up and live with it.

Our house is usually a mess, the dishes don’t get done as soon as they used to, and I don’t cut the grass whenever I see a blade of grass higher than another. With all of the responsibilities that go with having children, especially under the age of one, you just won’t have as much time as you used to.

I’m not naïve enough to think that these will work for everyone, but they worked for my wife and I, and I hope they’ll (at the least) give you a heads-up on how to deal with the joy of having two (or more) kids at one time.

If not, everyone says that practice makes perfect, so try for another set of twins…you’re bound to get it right eventually.

Thought of the Day

“In the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.”

– The Narrator in The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

Thought of the Day

“You see Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.”
– Peter Gibbons (Ron Livingston), from the movie "Office Space"

That's a (Game 1) Winner!

The St. Louis Cardinals (Go Redbirds!) beat the San Diego Padres 8-5 to take game 1 of the National League Divisional Series.

Outfielder Reggie Sanders hit a grand slam (and set an NL division series record with six RBI) while Chris Carpenter pitched six scoreless innings and left with a nice padded lead of 8-0.

Well, those pesky Padres couldn’t be shaken. Besides scoring once in the seventh, they added another run in the eighth and then got right back into it in the ninth after Jason Isringhausen was brought in to end the game, but, things didn’t go according to plan as ‘Izzy’ made things interesting (interesting for Padres’ fans, absolute hell for us Cardinal fans) by allowing the Pad’s to cross the plate three times and load the bases with two outs before he struck out Ramon Hernandez to end the game.

(Sigh. I’m going to need a lot of alcohol to get through this series, I just know it.)

And here’s an interesting (to me at least) sidebar.

Usually, a couple of days before the series starts, the Mayor of each team’s city places a wager on their team winning the series, IE St Louis Mayor Francis Slay would make a ceremonial wager with his counterpart in the opposing team’s city (San Diego).

In last year’s NLDS against the Dodgers of Los Angeles (not to be confused by the Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles), Mayor Slay put up some Bissinger’s chocolate, toasted ravioli (a St Louis delicacy) and some cases of Budweiser against cobblers from a famous pie shop – the “Kobbler King” – offered up by then L.A. Mayor James K. Hahn.

So what would be the gamble with today’s opponent, San Diego? Some t-ravs for tasty California fish tacos? A case of Bud Select for a stuffed Zoo animal? Frozen custard for a copy of the Charger’s schedule?

Sounds like fun, except there’s one slight problem:

San Diego doesn’t have a mayor.

Apparently, there is some political turmoil in City Hall (much like the White House – but that’s an entry for my other blog site: (http://thebushwhackedleague.blogspot.com/)

In the wake of a pension fund investigation by the federal government, the sitting mayor left office with three years left on his term. So now, a surf-shop operator (and you thought Harriet Miers was unqualified for her nominated position) and a former police chief are now vying for the office that will be decided by a special election November 8th.

In the meantime, the city is being run by an acting mayor who apparently is not up for some friendly civic gambling. (Maybe he’s just hedging his bets, I mean, who would bet against the Cardinals anyway? – and of course as soon as I say that the Cards will lo—
…why do I open my mouth?)

Game 2 is Thursday (why a day off when there is no traveling? Who knows.) at 3:05 central with the Cardinals’ Mark Mulder facing off against the Padres’ Pedro Astacio. Again, I will be at work while the game is on and have no means of even listening to it. My computer does not have streaming capability (apparently that would cause the hamster on the wheel to get tired) so I will have to make do by having ESPN.com’s Gamecast on…gotta love technology.

Thought of the Day

"I have trouble living with myself, how could I live with anyone else?"

- Nipsey Russell, the "poet laureate of TV" who died Sunday, October 2nd

The Return of the King(s)…and the BLUES…and the Blackhawks…

It is back.

Yes, that’s right hockey is back. It’s back and I couldn’t be happier…(well, I could be, but the odds of President Bush taking the rest of his term off on sabbatical seems unlikely, but a man can dream, can’t he??? Heck, I’d like to see the President even spell the word sabbatical…)

After taking a season off, the NHL is about to conclude its first training camps in two years amid a variety of changes to the game and to its teams. As usual, there is good and bad (and even some ugly) to just about everything. Below are some of the changes and how I think they will affect the game.

(You’re asking yourself, what makes you an hockey expert? Well, I am an hockey expert. I’ve been watching hockey for 20 years…so I have to be an elder statesman when it comes to hockey fans, right?)

Good: Shootouts. Whether it's a good way to decide the outcome of games will be debated for years and years, but one thing is certain: The essence of the shootout--the breakaway--is the most exciting play in hockey and that is a good thing for the fans. (While living in Peoria I remember watching shootouts in minor league hockey – go Rivermen! – and always saying to myself – that’s what the NHL should do, go to a shootout system. It’s much more exciting than a tie. The NHL must have been listening to me…)

Bad: Disinterest. Will the fans come back? Hard-core fans and long-time fans will forgive and forget. Mid-level fans may come back in due time. New fans? That’s going to be the hard sell. How will teams get them back? The changes in the game are meant to open up the goal quotient, which the NHL believes will draw new people to the league. I have doubts that will work and that the league may have to go to more drastic measures (folding teams, cutting roster size, etc).

Good: The league appears serious about eliminating the clutching and grabbing, as well as the grabbing and clutching, that has plagued the sport for the last dozen or so years, reducing what should have been a fast-paced, high-energy game to an extended version of tug-of-war on ice. That should change now.

Bad: At least for the first couple of weeks, the players were having a hard time adjusting to the rules or they believe the game eventually will go back to the way it was. (That’s what happens when you don’t read the rulebook.)

Good: Referees will work games as a team and stay together for the whole season, giving NHL clubs an opportunity to keep a book on tandems and know night in and night out how a game will be officiated. (This one, I’m not so sure about.)

Bad: Referees still are without their names on their sweaters--depriving the paying public an opportunity to personalize their insults to the officials. (The minor league refs sport their name on the shirts, so it was nice to personalize an insult rather than just calling them near-sighted zebras)

Good: Led by Sidney Crosby, the crop of rookies poised to make its debut this season appears solid. (Unfortunately, my team has no such rookies, so it’s going to be a LONG season for Blues fans)

Bad: Camps were without some of the legends of the game--Mark Messier, Scott Stevens and Ron Francis, to name three. Time eventually claims everyone in sports, even the all-time greats.

Good: Wayne Gretzky, AKA The Great One and perhaps the greatest ambassador in the sport, is back involved on a day-to-day basis with the Phoenix Coyotes, but…Bad: Gretzky's involvement is not as a player but as a coach of a team that will struggle to break even on the ice.

Good: Accelerated free agency concept. After both sides signed the agreement, it was announced that almost all players would be entered into free agency at a discounted price (much like those $3 cassettes you can get at Wal-Mart). This allowed some teams who never got involved in free agency before to get involved for the purpose of evening out the playing field, so to speak. Will it work? I think so, but only time will truly tell.

Bad: Accelerated free agency concept. It cut some teams deep (like the St Louis Blues) and will (probably) cause those teams to be also-rans and miss the playoffs.

Good: The league eliminated the blue line AND icing. About friggin’ time. Talk about an inane and superfluous penalty. I’m a (fairly) smart person, but if anyone can explain an icing penalty to me so I can understand it…enter a comment and I’ll give a shout-out to you in a future blog.

Bad: Player’s names. Most players are from Canada, a few from the United States, and their names are easy to pronounce, like Sidney Crosby. But, with many players coming out of Eastern Europe (with names like Nikolai Khabibulin, Alexander Ovechkin, Kari Lehtonen and Mariusz Czerkawski) the league may have to release a name pronunciation guide.

Good: The NHL will begin a new national television deal with the Outdoor Life Network (OLN) this season. Unlike ESPN, where hockey was far down the importance scale (we HAVE to allow time for another Sportscenter, 12 a day just isn’t enough), the NHL will be treated with more respect, and may benefit from a larger marketing push…but...

Bad: Every sports fan knows what channel ESPN is on his cable system. Where's OLN? And do we have OLN?

Ugly: The black eye. And by that I mean the black eye the league has suffered due to this incredibly stupid act of striking. For the players to reject the final contract proposal from the owners only to, months later, accept a much worse offer shows just how idiotic some people can be. Will the league survive? Sure. Will some teams by forced to fold? Probably. How long will it take? Only time will tell.

The season starts Wednesday and it promises to be an exciting one, so, if you have never watched hockey before, I highly suggest you give it a try. When played properly it can be an exciting and fast-paced game, which it has not been in recent years. But, with the changes the league has made, it should revert back to its old self.

Now, if only we can get the fighting back…

Thought of the Day

"All you need in the world is love and laughter. That's all anybody needs. To have love in one hand and laughter in the other."

- August Wilson, esteemed and award winning playwright who died Sunday, Oct 2, 2005

Going...going...gone...

Sunday October 2, 2005, the St Louis Cardinals will play their final regular-season game at Busch Memorial Stadium…though, fittingly, they are in the playoffs this year, so Busch will be spared the wrecking ball for a few weeks (hopefully many more weeks - Go Redbirds!!).

Having been born (and for the first 11 years of my life) raised and still constantly visiting family and friends in the St Louis area, this day is an emotional one for me.

Because of this, I have decided that today's blog entry will be about Busch Stadium, and the memory(ies) of mind that stand out the most.

The Gateway Arch reaches into the St Louis skyline, easily visible above Busch Stadium. It stands there like, in the words of The Sporting News, “an ever-vigilant sentry guarding its St. Louis treasures. Jewels, past and present, like Bob Gibson, Lou Brock, Joe Torre, Ted Simmons, Bob Forsch, Ozzie Smith, Willie McGee, Mark McGwire and Albert Pujols. Diamond memories of Cardinals, Clydesdales, baseball magic and World Series moments, all colored in a sea of red.” (I couldn’t have said it any better myself)

Outside the stadium the bronze statues of Stan "The Man" Musial, Gibson, Brock, Enos Slaughter, Red Schoendienst and Jack Buck, strategically placed outside the stadium, sit ready to greet visitors and provoke inspiration. In recent years, the team has added smaller sculptures of other players, such as Dizzy Dean, Bob Gibson, and my favorite all-time Cardinal, Ozzie “Wizard of Oz” Smith.

From its 1966 opening through its impressive, and awe-inspiring facelift in the 90’s, Busch has carried the tag of a "cookie-cutter" stadium. It was the first of the sterile, boringly symmetrical, Astro-Turfed, multi-purpose facilities that sprang up in the late 1960s and '70s alongside Pittsburgh’s Three Rivers, Cincinnati’s Riverfront, and Philadelphia’s Veterans, along with many others.

The early Busch Stadium experience was Bob Gibson and Tim McCarver, Dal Maxvill, Joe Torre and Orlando Cepeda, Lou Brock and Vince Coleman, Ozzie Smith and Tommy Herr, Jack Clark and Keith Hernandez, Terry Pendleton and Al Simmons, George Hendrick and Willie McGee, John Tudor and Joaquin Andujar. It was waves of red, line drives into the gap, a man-eating automatic tarp, the Wizard of Oz, Whitey-Ball, Harry Caray, Jack Buck and Mike Shannon in the broadcast booth.

It was a massive two-sectioned scoreboard, one side occupied by an Anheuser-Busch eagle, the other by an electronic Redbird that flew back and forth during a seventh-inning stretch or in recognition of a Cardinals home run. It was team owner August A. Busch triumphantly circling the stadium in a beer wagon pulled by a team of Clydesdales, or an Ozzie Smith back flip.

It was beautiful.

There were no unusual angles, dimensions or nuances to spice up play. Dimensions were standard: 330 feet down both lines and 386 to the power alleys. Center field was 414 (later 404) and the AstroTurf, installed in 1970, was hard and fast.

Supporting the Cardinals meant appreciating the aggressiveness and fundamentals of the game, and, of course, the stolen base, which Brock and Coleman turned into lethal offensive weapons. The home run was a 70’s and 80’s afterthought. Whitey Herzog's 1982 world champions hit 67 homers (three fewer than Mark McGwire hit in his record-setting 1998 season) while recording 200 steals.

Further into the 90’s, new ownership, no longer content to let one of baseball's premier franchises play in a no-frills setting, retro-fitted Busch Stadium into one of the fan-friendliest playgrounds in the game.

The turf was replaced by grass. One area, decorated by flags, celebrated the retired numbers in Cardinals history. The bullpens were moved from the first and third base foul lines to areas behind the left and right field fences. And a more modern scoreboard in left-center was mirrored by a replay/highlights screen in right-center.

Any fan that had not been to a game since the 70’s might not have recognized the new Busch; sleek and modern the stadium became an attraction on its own merit. The house that a beer baron had built in 1966 was officially transformed into a warm, inviting for the best baseball fans in the world.

Trying to pick one favorite memory of Busch Stadium is hard. So I have picked two because, well, it’s my blog and I can do what I want. Also, because they are special to me for different reasons.

While I remember going to Cardinal games when I was younger (me dressed like a Cardinal geek – red shirts, red shorts, red hat, cardinal socks, cardinal sunglasses - I was a sight to see) with my parents and brother, or just my dad. The memories I remember most are much more recent.

Last season, 2004, the Cardinals made into the World Series for the first time since 1987 (a very long draught for a Cardinal fan, nothing of interest for a Cub fan). I was excited. My brother (who is not particularly a fan of sports) was excited. Our excitement grew larger when our Dad called and said our cousin has two tickets for Game 4 on Wednesday, October 27th and wanted to know if my brother and I wanted them.

I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t speak. I was speechless (that means the same thing I know, but stay with me here)

We jumped at the chance. So my memory is getting to the game very early, about 2 hours before game time. The plaza was jumping with a carnival-like atmosphere. Vendors selling food and beverages or novelties and souvenirs. Radio and TV stations handing out signs and rally flags.

It was incredible.

Then the game started. Our seats were in the last row of section xxxx. Literally, we could look behind us and see the city of St Louis. High up yes, but still with a great view of the field and the fans.

(The only negative thing about our seats was we were sitting next to two Red Sox fans. Now, I love sitting with Cub fans, whether it be Wrigley or Busch, because, while we may make fun of the other’s team, there was a mutual respect in there as well. Not so with these two schmucks. Think of the epitome of ego-filled baseball fans and you immediately conjure up images of Yankees fans. These two were like Yankees fans, rude, belligerent, loud, but were rooting for the Red Sox. Add to that that they used the overused and annoying phrase from Joe Buck’s commercial where he says” Slamma-lama-ding-dong.” Every other word out of their mouths was that phrase. By the 4th inning, my brother and I wanted to ‘Slamma-lama-ding-dong’ them back to Boston Harbor…but I digress.)

While the Cardinals suffered a rather impressive lack of hitting and pitching, just the fact that I was at a World Series game for the team I have followed for as long as I can remember, was incredible and etched in my mind forever.

The second moment was this past year when my wife and I, along with my brother and his girlfriend, took my twin daughters to their first Cardinal game. At the tender age of three, they behaved better than I could have possibly hoped. They sat on our laps and watched the game (who lost to the Atlanta Braves – notice a theme here? All of my Cardinal memories have the Cardinals losing the game in the background…) with an intensity and attention that is rarely seen in one three year old, let alone twin three year olds who always have a playmate with them wherever they go.

The fact I was there with my wife and children and my brother and (someday sister-in-law) his girlfriend, made the day that much better. To be able to have my daughters (who since they had been born had been having the phrase: ‘Go Cardinals!’ burned into their minds by myself) experience a game at Busch in the final season was a special thing for me. While they may not remember it all, I will.

And those are my two special memories. As I look back on my relationship with the stadium, I am filled with remorse, but also with hope that the new stadium will be as warm and inviting as the old one. And if it isn’t, it eventually will be.

Goodbye old friend…

Thought of the Day

“Más sabe el diablo por viejo que por diablo.”
Translation: "The devil is wiser because he is old, not because he is the devil."
- Old Spanish Proverb

Thought of the Day

“Midway upon the road of our life I found myself within a dark wood, for the right way had been missed.” – Dante Alighieri, from Inferno (AKA Dante's Inferno)

Applaud and Heckle

Applaud: to Conan O’Brien for this quote: "Yesterday President Bush made his fifth visit to the area that received the most damage from Hurricane Katrina. In other words, the White House." (From The Simpsons, to Late Night, to (in the future) The Tonight Show, his humor and wit has improved with each passing year. Makes me believe that he will be better than Leno (and Letterman) when he takes the reigns of the Tonight Show in a couple of years…)

Heckle: to former FEMA putz Michael Brown had his head handed to him today when he testified before a House committee on FEMA’s response, or lack thereof, to Hurricane Katrina. After that, ‘Brownie’ will accept a new job as (wait for it). . . as a consultant for FEMA. Nice. (Only in political circles can someone screw up something this major, then “resign”, and then be brought back as a consultant, all while making more money than before…gotta love it!)

Applaud: to two distinct individuals who each had an impact on other people’s lives:
- Dr. M. Scott Peck, noted author and self-help guru.
- Don Adams, who brought joy and laughter to adults in “Get Smart”, and then to children in “Inspector

Gadget”
Both died Sunday, and both will be missed…

Heckle: George W. Bush…again, like before, just on general principles alone…

Applaud: to quick thinking. Early Saturday morning, the owner of the Holiday Inn in Sulphur, Louisiana noticed that the hurricane-force winds had shifted and were threatening the, up to then unprotected windows in the back of the hotel. The owner quickly alerted the guests to put their mattress up against the windows in order to prevent them from shattering. Only 3 windows were lost and no one got hurt.

Heckle: to Askjeeves.com for dumping their genteel butler logo *and* their name. The company that runs the site stated that the slightly chubby and balding English butler isn't the kind of image that they want representing the search engine – so they are pushing him out – clearly a case of ageism. The company also announced that they are going to be changing the name (to ask or ask.com) as well. My thought: boycott them. Use Google, Yahoo, or Dogpile.com

Applaud: to Clarence Aguirre. One of the conjoined Filipino twins (who survived a long series of delicate surgeries to separate him from his brother) has begun walking. (Being a father of twins who missed being conjoined by, literally, a matter of minute, this makes me very happy and very proud for his parents) His brother is expecting to follow suit and take his first steps soon.

Heckle: to MLB’s Players Union. In an attempt to counter Commissioner Bud Selig’s offer of a “50-100-lifetime ban” penalty for testing positive for steroids, the union offered up a “20-75” penalty with provision after provision attached. The Union has got to get smarter in this area soon – the public is getting fed up with the abuse in the game, and every other professional sport (even surfing) has a real penalty system already in place. Take a cue from the NHL’s Players Union and take the offer. Otherwise, like the NHL Union, you could find yourself taking an offer that takes more away from the players than before.

Applaud: After viewing recent news accounts, we believe Bill Frist's political career is in a persistent vegetative state with little chance of recovery. Anyone know where we should send the flowers?

Heckle: to FEMA (shocked, shocked and appalled, aren’t ya?) The federal agency has turned down Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle’s request for financial assistance to help his state recover from tornadoes that tore through the state last month. In a letter to Doyle, FEMA Acting Director R. David “Duck Tape” Paulison said the damage “…was not of such severity and magnitude as to be beyond the capabilities of the state and affected local governments.” (Mind-boggling, isn’t it?)

Applaud: to China for releasing in a statement that they will start to use satellite technology in order to look in on the sexual antics of Panda Bears….(you can NOT make this kind of stuff up.)

Heckle: to “Brownie” once again. Why? Why not?

Applaud: to FLOTUS, Laura Bush, for giving the Bob Barker treatment to our Puppet-in-Chief. According to the Washington Post, Laura Bush is telling George to be a little more Metrosexual by laying off the “swagger”. Steve Soto has the smackdown:

And now it's happened. It must be fun around the house now, with a top Republican saying openly that Laura's got Bush's balls in her pocket. If Skippy wasn't drinking before, he is now.

Thought of the Day x 2

Two quotes today, from two disparate individuals, each of them touched people in vastly different ways...

"One extends one's limits only by exceeding them."
- M. Scott Peck, author - passed away Sunday, Sept. 25, 2005

"I may never get to play with the Philharmonic, but on the other hand, is Leonard Bernstein licensed to kill?"
- Don Adams as Maxwell Smart, Agent 86 - passed away Sunday, Sept. 25, 2005

A Parting of Wisdom to all the Married Men Out There

My Advice for Married Men

Well, it's taken years of research on my part, but I've discovered something that could revolutionize how we look at the relationship between husband and wife. Take a seat this is some heavy stuff. My research has left me with the only conclusion that seems to fit. And that conclusion is:

Men and Women think differently.

I’ll give you a moment to let that sink in.

Imagine the marriages that could have been saved if this information had been available even a few short years ago! (I was lucky, I learned this fact very early in my life…early enough that I was able to use it to my advantage while in college)

It's almost as if women are from Venus and men are from ....some other, far-away, place…like New Jersey.

That's it, it's like women are an alien life form!

Just when I had finally gotten to the place in my life where I had rid myself of all emotions that seem to interfere with making intelligent, logical decisions, I figure out that most women actually value these types of feelings. And worse yet, they seem to want to talk about them.

Are they crazy??

But, loving my wife, I decided that if talking about how we felt was important to her, then that is what I will do.
Apparently though, it takes a little practice to get it right. My first attempt was after a particularly sad movie that my girlfriend, who is now my wife, had rented and we watched together. This move was just chocked full of lost loves, children orphaned, and dreams shattered. When the movie was finally over (luckily in time to catch the end of a rerun of The Simpsons) my girlfriend/now wife tearfully turned to me and asked me how it had made me feel.

Now, being a little new to this whole ‘feelings discussion thing’ concept but still trying my best, I answered, “hungry.”

The look on her face was like a loud 'incorrect answer' buzzer on a TV game show.

“Sorry Kemp, that was the wrong answer! You now have to go back to the beginning of the game and start all over, losing any points you may have accumulated up to now…”

For this reason, I have prepared a list of words that seem to work as acceptable answers, and some you would do well to avoid when talking to the love of your life:

- Amorous (full of love) not, and I can’t stress this one enough, not horny.

- Depleted (worn out from all the emotions swirling around my head), not brain-dead.

- Devastated (just imagine your team getting swept in four games in their first World Series since
1997 by a team that had not won it in 50 +years and sitting by two of the latter’s fans in the
deciding game four – damn Red Sox)

- Livid (very angry), not pissed off

- Effervescent (got this one from an old 7-Up commercial. I don't know what it means, but it seems to work when I don't know what else to say)

Humor is another thing that can get a man in trouble. Women do love humor, it's what alot of women actually look for first in a mate, at least that is what I was always told, but I am still a little skeptical.

The key to humor is to remember that it must be used correctly and at the proper time.

Why do men not make dead people jokes at funerals? I can tell you that it's not because they don't want to. It's because there are women around. If ever there was a funeral where there were only men in attendance, the dearly departed would have a mustache and beard magic-markered onto their face in short order. This is not out of disrespect either; it's just one way of dealing with the 'sense of loss' (which you may want to ad to the above list)

Men even joke in the midst of conflict. A friend of mine once told me about the time, after an especially emotional disagreement between him and his wife, that he thought he could apologize and lighten the mood at the same time by purchasing her a dozen roses and a card that said, “I'm sorry that you were wrong” Wow! Bit of advice, don't ever try that one guys – talk about failing miserably on both the apology and the humor front! (See, if he would have asked me about that, I would have told him only to do that if he wanted to sleep in the garage for the next month)

One last thing husbands, be prepared to hear this from your wife at some point: “I feel like crying and I don't know why.”

Try your best to hide the shock and horror that you will feel about this obviously alien statement, and trust me, don't offer to call an ambulance. Your wife is just telling you, in Venus language, that she wants comfort and an ear to bend.

And no, the comfort should not lead to "anything else…

Thought of the Day

“I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours.”
- Hunter S. Thompson

Hallelujah!

No long, drawn-out, hilarious entry today.

Why?

Let me first avow myself about what I am going to say by stating this: I love my children and my wife very, very much. More than anything else in the world...hell, the universe.

That having been said...

Why am I excited?

Because my wife and daughters have a wedding shower to go to...and that means...

Sorry, I'm giddy with excitement...

That means...

Oh, I can't say it, I'm just to darned excited...

(Breathes out)

That means that I get an afternoon totally by myself.

No chores (they're all done), no work, nothing.

Just me, a nice salami sandwhich, a football game...and total...

complete...

unadulterated...

silence.

Enjoy your Sunday, I'll be funny again tomorrow.

The Older you Get...yada, yada, yada

When I was a young lad (yes, a young lad back in the home country of Ireland – and by Ireland I of course mean St. Louis) I remember wondering how anyone could watch something as torturously dull and boring as the news. It was painful, especially knowing that Fraggle Rock was just one little channel click away (yeah, I said Fraggle Rock – so what…)

I said to myself I'll never watch the news as long as I live.

Sigh. I must be getting old now. I watch the news constantly. News and weather with a good dollop of sports and politics thrown in for good measure.

What's really sad is that I can watch it for hours and hours, turn it off, then turn it back on again ten minutes later.I watch the Weather Channel constantly. It's just not good enough to get the forecast for my town (I think my current record is having watched forty seven "local on the eights" in a row) and then change to something else…no. I have to get the weather for all 50 states, the District of Columbia, Europe, the Middle East and Asia. I mean, what if weather develops while we’re watching The Apprentice? (Wait a minute, that’s not right, I don’t watch realty TV. Let’s alter that to…) while we’re watching Scrubs?

For news I have CNN and their jolly band of newsies like Soledad O’Brian, Jack Cafferty, Wolf Blitzer, et al. On MSNBC there’s Keith Olberman, Lester Holt (whom I remember from when he was a struggling anchor in Chicago) On Fox Ne—, wait a minute, sorry, my TV doesn’t go that far to the right.

I have favorite news channel and weather channel personalities, that’s a little pathetic right?

Don’t’ get me wrong, when I say I like watching the news, the weather, politics, and sports (though the ESPN schitck is getting very very old -- I mean, how mind-boggingly annoying does Chris Berman have to get before someone fires his 'arse') I don’t mean I do not watch anything else, I do watch comedies and dramas, and the annoyingly titled, dramedies. But, if I had my pick, I would watch the news.

That’s a sure sign of getting old, right? I mean…never mind. I guess I’m going to have to resolve myself to the fact that I am getting older and that my tastes are changing and maturing so I am watching shows aimed at an older demographic.

I wonder…is Murder She Wrote still on the air?

Thought of the Day

Bartlet: If anything happens... You got a best friend?
Tribbey: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: Is he smarter than you?
Tribbey: Yes sir.
Bartlet: Would you trust him with your life?
Tribbey: Yes sir.
Bartlet: That's your Chief of Staff.
- from The West Wing

A Word to the Wise...

Spread the word, there’s a new sheriff in town. In the never-ending attempt to create thought in today’s society (a rare and, unfortunately, sometimes misunderstood concept), my friend Scott and I have decided to launch another blog.

This one, of which we will be the prominent posters & writers, will have one subject. One topic that can bring people together…or tear them apart.

It will only be about politics.

Yes, you read that right: politics.

No family posts.

No entertainment posts.

No pop culture posts.

No coffee pos— (wait a minute, that one we may have to think about a little more)

Our other blogs will be for that (those links by the way are http://scottsrantspot.blogspot.com/ & http://blogofkemp.blogspot.com/)

This one will only be about politics.

All day – all night – 24/7

We will have occasional guest posters, some of whom may even be less Liberal…or worse yet, Conservative Republicans. (I know what some of you are saying, but, let’s practice some tolerance for those who disagree with us – are you listening Bush administration??)

You never know what can happen in the world of blogging.

So, if you are into politics, and I know many of you are, take a gander, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Here’s the link: http://thebushwhackedleague.blogspot.com/

What’s that link? It’s http://thebushwhackedleague.blogspot.com/

In case you missed it, that link is http://thebushwhackedleague.blogspot.com/

Have a read.

Thought of the Day

"A leader leads by example not by Force."
- Sun Tzu, from The Art of War

The Portal of Serenity

Remember before you had kids, or maybe just shortly after you had kids? (I do, although at times I seem to embellish some of the facts about that -- as does my wife. Just ask her...on second thought, don't.)

Remember those delusions of grandeur you always had about being a parent?

How about the statements you made to anyone that would listen? (Mind you I never said anything like this)

Statements like: “My child will never act like that!” or “My child will be getting all 'A's in school” or “My child will always listen to what I say or ask.”

(How’s that working out for ya? Going well, right? I’m sure it is – going as well as Puppet-in-Chiefs current approval ratings I bet…)

Another favorite that was thrown out there – ”My child will not sit in front of that television all day.”

Before you had kids, you would see other people’s children sitting there in front of the tv, and, you swear you could actually hear them getting dumber with each minute they watched another episode of Teletubbies. You told yourself, ‘There was no way your children were going to fall into that trap.’Oh thee, of little faith. Apparently these parents had the right idea all along. The television is by far the most effective babysitter in all creation.

Who knew?

Submitted for your approval, twin girls, three years old, their mother out of town. They are fighting, screaming, biting and destroying for hours and hours without end until you've pulled out the last of your hair, developed a twitch or worse yet, started writing a blog.

Now imagine pushing a button, and these same little monsters freeze where they are, their mouths still gaping from being cut off mid-scream. Slowly they drop to the floor where they remain motionless for as long as the portal of calm glows its effervescent hue.

And when I say motionless, I mean motionless, like a statue. I usually have to put little bowls on there laps to catch the line of drool falling from their open mouths.
It's perfect. Almost too perfect.

The high parenting standards quickly go out the window. You try to soothe your conscience by editing their viewing content, only allowing them to watch shows that are kid-friendly like The Wiggles, Barney or The Doodlebops (which, by the way, are NOT parent-friendly – if anything, these shows can have the effect on parents that showing your little ones “Night of the Living Dead” could have on them)

Deep down though, you know that you would let them watch “Animal House” if it was the only thing on. Trying to battle your conscience by saying: “It has singing in it, they love music!”

(While I was a Stay at Home Dad (SAHD), and if the girls were playing quietly, I would put one of the seasons of The West Wing into the DVD player. When my girls heard the opening montage music, they rushed into the room and would sit down quietly next to me and watch.)

You have failed. You are now one of 'those' parents.

But hey, at the very least you've failed peacefully.

Thought of the Day

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."
- Henry David Thoreau, from Walden

Thought of the Day

“Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche

New Feature...Applaud & Heckle

New feature today in Kemp’s Blog, hope you like it.

It’s called Applaud and Heckle, where each day (or each other day, or a few times a week, or a few times a month – heck, whenever I need filler for the blog), I will dole out things that we as a nation should show our appreciation for and things that we as a nation should say ‘Tsk Tsk Tsk’ to…

My entry about being home alone with my children is still a work in progress.

And awaaayyyyy weeeee goooooo….

Applaud: to Nazi Hunter extraordinaire Simon Wiesenthal. While we mourn your death, we celebrate your life and the differences you made in it. May your memory, legacy and hunt live on forever…

Heckle: George W. Bush…just on general principles alone…

Applaud: Bill Clinton. For doing the absolute most (interviews, visits, listening) an ex-President can do to help the Katrina victims. (Some of you are probably asking, what about Bush Sr.? He has been rather quiet and hidden the last week and a half; I think he may be trying to keep Barbara out of the view and earshot of the press, should she stick her foot in her mouth again…which would be a pretty safe bet…)

Heckle: FEMA…again…(are you really that surprised???) Truck drivers are getting paid by FEMA to drive truckloads of ice from the Midwest, down to the Deep South...and up to Maine. WHY? Because of (wait for it – contain your shock please) mismanagement. Cost of this runaround: $800 of your tax dollars per day.

Applaud: the St. Louis Cardinals for winning the National League Central Division. Go Redbirds!

Heckle: the Chicago Cubs. Again, on general principles alone. Plus the fact they suck.

Applaud (or should it be heckle? It’s your call): the Bush(league) Administration for touting their readiness for Hurricane Rita. (Of course they’re ready, it’s heading for Bush’s beloved state of Texas. Think about it. It Rita hits Texas, Bush will want to go down ASAP and some people will ask why is he going down right away when he waited to go to N.O. and Biloxi. But if he waits to go down, people will say “Wow he really is that stupid.”)

Heckle: to Mother Nature for giving the country another powerful hurricane. Come on Mother, we only have 4 more names left for the season…or we will have to go to Greek names. Hurricane Alpha, just doesn’t sound right…

Applaud: the Sacramento Monarchs (who??) on winning their first WNBA (who??) title…

Heckle: to the fact that it takes something like a devastating hurricane to bring out the (what is supposed to be instinctive) journalistic senses of today’s press and media…

Applaud: the NFL for raising $5 million for Katrina relief during the Monday Night Football doubleheader telethon…every little bit, or even larger ones, helps…

Heckle: oil producers for pumping up the price of oil because Rita was entering the Gulf. Any price-increase excuse in a storm…

Applaud: the FDA for allowing breast implants, with some conditions…though those conditions were not detailed by the agency…I would have to guess that one condition would be to not implode on the wearer…though I could be wrong about that. Why is this an applaud? Two words: Pamela Anderson

Heckle: this column for being thoroughly unoriginal for doing a cheer and jeers type column…

Applaud: Kemp for having the moral turpitude to still do an entry like this even though every other blog has one like it…when in Rome.

And one final Applaud to the makers of the "Girls Gone Wild" videos. The video makers, known for filming “movies” showing women flashing their breasts (is this a great country or what?) plan to donate 100 percent of the proceeds from the sale of their Mardi Gras-themed DVDs and videos to the Red Cross to help Katrina victims. While the product may not be classy, the act sure is.

Rejected!

Time for me to get pseudo-serious for a moment…again. I have a great story for tomorrow's post about my kids...and being home alone with them while my wife is out of town on business...yep, just me and two 3-year old twins...trust me, you don't want to miss tomorrow's entry.

Or today's for that matter...

Well, I didn’t get the school board seat. Eleven people applied for it and they called four out of the eleven in for interviews (I was one of the 4)

It was given to someone else.

Everyone is telling me not to be upset or distressed about not getting selected, saying: “At least you applied for it.” “You got called in for an interview, 7 applicants didn’t.” “Your name is out there now.”

Well, I am upset.

I am distressed.

I am also very, very curious.

What made this other person a better choice than me, or the other 2 that were interviewed for that matter?

The local newspaper, in an article about the selection, printed that a member of the board remarked that “community involvement set (the) appointee apart.”

Huh?

Maybe I’m being naïve…or dim…or just plain bitter that I didn’t get the position, but I fail to see what ‘community involvement’ has to do with being the most qualified to sit on a Board of Education. Am I missing something here? Have the parameters of what a school board does changed?

I thought the purpose of a school board was to clarify the districts purpose, employ a superintendent, delegate authority, monitor performance, and take responsibility for its own actions (wow, that’s a unique concept)

I understand that it is important for the board to connect with the community, but to make it the pivotal reason as to rank potential school board members. I would think that being a team player and believing in the district would be more important and more of a necessity than community involvement, but maybe I am wrong.

Don’t get me wrong, I do things for the community. I participate in the Polar Plunge (that’s when you jump into a frozen lake in the middle of winter to raise money for Special Olympics), Ronald McDonald House, United Way, take part in events with the Chamber of Commerce group I am a member of, but something she does was more impressive, or touched (and I could get into some trouble with this statement) a particular demographic that the board was looking for.

The board president went on to say, “Her ability to work with a team, and her belief in the strengths of the district made her stand out.”

I work well with a team; I pointed that out in the interview – citing examples of exemplary work and conduct and success.

I also believe in the strengths of the district. In fact, I strongly believe in the district’s strengths, and I told them that in no uncertain terms.

But I goofed, I think, when one of the board members asked me what the weaknesses of the district were, and I told them.

I know, I know. Silly me, I told the truth and stood by my convictions…I apologize, I guess I got confused and thought they wanted the truth…not a cleverly conceived lie.

(Sometimes I may be less observant than others, but I make up for it with cunning and guile, and what I lack in memory I more than make up for with exceptional powers of deductive reasoning – and yes, that does come with a cape)

The woman who was selected stated that the high rate of poverty among school children in the schools is the primary concern that the district needs to address, saying: “Most folks don't realize when they deal with schools with a high rate of poverty; there are issues that go into the classroom. The school district has to become a part of those issues, even if they're not an issue of the school district...”

How that falls under the jurisdiction of a local school board is beyond me. Haven’t we been hearing that since George “Puppet-in-Chief” Bush (thanks again Scott) stol— (sorry, I have to stop doing that), “won” the election in 2000? That the era of big government is over. When a school board member decides that they need to get knee-deep into the high rate of poverty, aren’t we crossing a line???

Am I right? Or am I just being bitter again about losing? Eh, maybe a little of both.

The woman chosen went on to state in the paper that she is undecided about whether she will run for election when the seat expires in ‘07, as she doesn't consider herself a politician.

Whatever…

I mean, she sure answered the questions from the paper with a politico-like response, with answers like:

“It (the district) needs support, and it needs people who care.”

“It (the board) doesn't need people in there with an agenda.”

“The foundation of a great community is a great school district…” (That one gave me pause as I said almost the exact same thing in my interview, except substituting ‘strong’ for ‘great’ school district)

I can hear any politician in DC or any state capital saying that as well.

I am certain she will be running for the seat in 2007…

…and so will I.

Thought of the Day

"So don't adjust that dial; and, while we're gone, if any talking animals ask you to buy some tacos or beer-for God's sake, do what they tell you. You've been watching Sports Night on CSC. Have a good night. "
- Casey McCall (Peter Krause) on Sports Night

Macca's Back

Some of you may have noticed that I took a 3-day weekend from blogging. I posted my thought of the day because I know there are some of you out there who can’t go on if you don’t get my imparting of other people’s wisdom. But today, I am back.

A few weeks ago I posted something about an upcoming music album: Chaos and Creation in the Backyard by Sir James Paul McCartney.

It is out. In fact, it came out last week.

Now, while I have not had a chance to buy the album itself yet, I did listen to the entire album streamlined on McCartney’s website (http://www.paulmccartney.com/), and all I can say is ‘Wow.’

The album is great, but as others have written, it needs several replays before you begin to pick up on the subtle "old Paul" peculiarities that sometimes lay between the lines. The lyrics are much more introspective than we usually hear from Paul and with a more somber tone.

Spend some time with the album and it becomes crystal clear that Sir Paul is far from spent as either a songwriter or a record-maker. This is the intimate McCartney in the vein of his 1970 solo debut “McCartney” or his 1978 release "London Town," and the comfort allowed him to be as unguarded as he's ever been.

The unmistakable, rockin’ pounding of Paul at the keyboard hasn't changed in over 40 years. It is clear that he is restraining himself from sounding over-ebullient, and the result is good, very good.

I have a personal synopsis of some of the album’s songs. Take it as you will and as it was intended; one person’s opinion. Granted, the opinion of a person who has a vast knowledge of McCartney. (Actually, I have a vast encyclopedia of useless knowledge in my head – that’s why no one will play Trivial Pursuit with me anymore or why my wife won’t watch Jeopardy with me anymore – I’m just too damn smart...all of you who know me can insert your own smart-ass comment here)

The album opens with four of his best songs in ages (and certainly better than anything from Driving Rain. Now don’t get me wrong, I thought Driving Rain was a good album, this one is just better in every musical aspect)

“Fine Line” (my personal favorite song from the album. Has a message deep down, but not as preachy as some of his other solo songs from the past 10 years. And has some stellar piano and bass work from Macca himself)

“How Kind of You” (a tad vague as to whom the song’s subject is [John? George? Linda? His mother?] but still a haunting tune)

“Jenny Wren” (immediately takes the listener back to the beautiful Beatles’ ballad “Blackbird”)

“At the Mercy” (which, in my humble opinion, is a 21st century version, in quiet tones, of “A Hard Days Night”)

"English Tea" (with a lovely and sad beginning that is, ultimately, fun. May remind some of you of The Beatles’ "Savoy Truffle.”)


"A Certain Softness" (a sensuous love song with a rumba-like beat underneath)

"Riding to Vanity Fair" (perhaps the biggest departure for Paul on the entire album. He takes a giant leap and tries a totally different sound and, in my opinion, succeeds. It lingers in the mind long afterward. )

“Promise to You Girl” (quite possibly the best track on the album where we hear some of the old, jaunty Paul, and we can forgive the "Queen-like" background vocals thanks to a rockin' backdrop. Best of all: Paul seemingly channels George in a fantastic guitar solo)

"Anyway" (one can hear some of the driving beat of "Why Don't We Do it in the Road," along with echoes of "Strawberry Fields," just enough to tease the listener’s memory of the past)

Overall, the album is phenomenal and awe-inspiring. If you are a Paul McCartney fan, you will absolutely love it. If you are a casual Beatles or McCartney fan, you will like it as well. Hell, if you are a fan of good music, you will like it. If you are a Britney Spears fan…you have my sympathies.

Thought of the Day

“Don't let one cloud obliterate the whole sky.”
- Anaïs Nin

Thought of the Day

Men are born to succeed, not fail.
- Henry David Thoreau

Thought of the Day

"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime, doubly so."
- Ford Prefect in The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

S.A.H.D.

I have been back to work now for 5 months after being unemployed for 13 of the last 20 months, and lately, I have been reflecting on those past dozen or so months. It was a tremendous joy to be able to stay home with my twin daughters, something some fathers do not get the chance to experience, so I relished the time I had alone with them.

But, while staying home, I noticed that there was a bit of bias against dads that were in the same predicament that I was. So I recently did a web search and tried to find information on dads that settle in a habitat to tend to the offspring while mom is at her chosen vocation.

We have been called everything from Mr. Mom’s (thank you very much Michael Keaton and Lonestar) to sissies, to momma-daddys (my twins’ inventive phrase for me).

I am talking, of course, about stay at home dads. For 13 of the last 20 months I was a stay-at-home Dad, or SAHD for you acronym-ites out there. While the numbers of SAHD’s are small, by all accounts it is becoming a fast-growing segment of the American population.

Of course, when your sample size is tiny, it is easy to enjoy explosive growth. The next time you read that the number of at home dads has doubled, remember this probably means it went from 34 to 68 dads nationwide - and that includes a few working dads who just sleep in on Saturdays but get counted in the statistics.

Most SAHD’s have a negative view by the outside world but truth be told, we brought it on ourselves. Consider the acronym used to describe stay at home dads: SAHD. Running around telling everyone you are sad may explain why some people look at us like we are lepers.
There is, however, a website devoted to SAHD’s. It's address: http://www.slowlane.com/

Nice.

What - the domain name www.emasculation.com was already taken?

Now, I'm all for slowing down to smell the flowers, but if you start to brand yourself as the little old man in the far right lane barely able to see over the steering wheel, don't be surprised when no one shows you respect.

Life as a stay at home dad was a constant challenge. I received very little praise for my efforts. Did anyone walk up to me and tell me that I did a great job of getting my children dressed this morning? No. Did I get recognized for my part in the recent family record of 157 consecutive days between visits to the doctor? No. Did anybody shake my hand and acknowledged the hell that I went through to convince my 3-year-olds to wear something besides their Wiggles T-shirts and shorts during the 7-degree/24 inches of snow days? No.

Truthfully, I did receive praise from my wife, my parents and my brother for doing a good job while home with the kids. But, seriously, making it sound like I got no praise makes for a better read – don’t you think?

Another problem with staying at home? Isolation. Not having anyone around to have adult conversations with did start to take a toll on my sanity.

Now, I was lucky, for the first part of my idleness, I was finishing up my Master’s degree and used the downtime (what little of it there was) to work on my thesis. The second part of the idleness, I did have a part-time job teaching some business courses at the local college. For the most part though, I was stuck at home.

Sometimes the isolation worried my wife. You know that you have been a stay-at-home father too long when:

- You invite Jehovah's Witnesses in for a cup of coffee.
- You start to understand the twins’ twin-language.
- You consider cheating at your favorite computer game as a way of "sticking it to the man." Take that Halo!!
- You consider taking a job so beneath you, a gravedigger would have higher social strata that you would.
- You look forward to the change of seasons so that you can look at different clothes when doing the laundry.
- You watch the same shows as your kids, and you start to like ‘em.
- You consider switching political parties because you think Republicans “Care more for the American citizenry and their working future.” (Sure, I believed that as much as I believe Georgie-boy and his claim of responsibility for the Hurricane Katrina fiasco)

This is just a warning to those of you considering staying at home with your children. The loneliness is hell.

But, despite all of the trouble, despite all of the loneliness, my children are absolutely hilarious. Sometimes, the humor is in the form of a monologue. Other times, it would be in the form of a face or an exchange between the two children.

It's time for stay at home dads to get some spine and also some marketing savvy. First, lose the "stay" in "stay at home dad," it brings about images of agoraphobia. Now, I would never make light of anyone’s phobia (what am I saying, of course I would), but come on, it sounds so confining. Plus, the stay in stay at home dad is an incredible misnomer. I would love to have been able to stay at home just one day, but my twins demanded to play outside in all types of weather; rain, snow, intense heat and bitter cold.

Next, the very phrase "at home" has a stigma, and it focuses on the house, not the children (which is why we are home in the first place). I have an alternate phrase, but it raises the hair on the backs of the necks of working parents who hear it. "Full time father." Hey, sorry, but in this country, every group gets to name itself.

In short, it's time we at home dads go on the offensive. Sure, it may ruffle some feathers, but it sure beats being SAHD in the slow lane.

And, I have to throw a big shout-out to the first stay at home dad I ever knew, my Uncle Nishan. Health issues forced him to stay home and take care of his child (my cousin) while his wife (my Aunt) worked. This was in the late 50’s/early 60’s when things like that were REALLY looked at with a tilted head. Never did he flinch in his responsibility; never did he allow other people’s comments to faze him. He cooked, he cleaned, and he raised a child. And he did it well, and he taught me, my brother and our cousins that gender roles should NOT be an influence in our lives.

Thought of the Day

“Weaseling out of things is important to learn, it's what separates us from the animals - except the weasel.”
– Homer J. Simpson, The Simpsons

Oh! The Humanity!

I have a decision to make.

Do I want to poke myself in the eye with a hot poker?

Do I want to crawl, naked, over tons of shattered glass?

Do I want to watch continuous episodes of the Fox “comedy”, The War at Home?

Or do I want to listen to Ashlee Simpson music all day and all nightlong?

All of those things are painful to do, but none of them are as painful as looking for a new house.

For the past 3 months, my wife and I have been looking for a new house. Our current one, which we purchased about 6-7 years ago, is getting too small for our needs. Also, there is no way in hell I am going to survive in a house with 3 females and one bathroom (though my father-in-law did survive living with 6 females and no males in a house with 1.5 baths…I still think he deserves either Sainthood or a Congressional Medal of Honor for that – but that’s another entry for the ol’ blog)

What an ordeal this has been. An ordeal that has been excruciatingly painful. It has even been more painful that listening to a speech by George "I didn't think the levees would break" Bush.

It didn't take long before house hunting became a nervous strain as we endured disappointment after disappointment upon walking into houses and immediately suffering that sinking feeling. Or looking at the house a first time, liking it, coming back and noticing all the things we somehow missed the first time.

On our journey we were also unfortunately introduced to all variety of crackpots and oddities that allegedly constitute our fellow man. Amongst an inflammation of tedious and ill-informed commentary, these malformed anthropoids love to tell horror stories, in detail, associated with home ownership. Yes, that will help sell a house.

Being shown shabby real estate by embarrassed agents was one thing, but it was the homes that were being sold ‘By Owner” that provided an insight into the terrifying depths of humanity that menacingly lurk amongst a society. On one such sale, we were shown around by the owner (who was also a realtor) – a half man, half ape-like creature that evolution had apparently passed by.

One house we looked at was, for the most part, nice. Perfect size rooms and kitchen, nice basement with a wet-bar, good-sized yard. The problem? Time apparently freezes in this house. The décor would have been 70’s retro…except it was all the original stuff and the owners had not updated ANYTHING. Plastic mats on the floor, avocado-green wallpaper with little yellow flowers in the kitchen AND the front room.

Another house we looked at had a nice floor plan, but the people who lived there smoked…like chain-smoking chimneys. I moved a picture on the ecru-toned wall and saw a perfect white wall behind it. The carpets were installed last spring and already had the heavy smell of smoke in them, so much so that the seller’s realtor thought we would have to replace them to get rid of the odor. Also, keeping in mind this was an open house; we couldn’t see the garage because their dog was in there (actually, it wasn’t a dog, it was a moose).

Now, if you were having an open house, wouldn’t you try and do something with the dog so people walking through could see, I don’t know, the ENTIRE house? Or am I being too logical?

There was another house, right across the street from the smoke house, that looked nice on the outside, but the inside looked like it had been diced and sliced into pieces by a blind surgeon. They tried to make 1 bedroom into 3 bedrooms, so each one was about the size of a shoe and, quite frankly, smelled like one as well.

Another house sounded great in the newspaper. But then we drove out to see it. Upon turning onto the road it was on, my wife and I both looked at each other and said, at the same time and without hesitation, ‘this is a redneck neighborhood.’ It looked as though we either traveled instantaneously to Appalachia, or wandered onto the set of the 1989 Patrick Swayze movie, Next of Kin. There were the archetypal cars in the front without tires and, what I could have sworn was, a still. Though I could have made that second thing up in my head.

I could write about some of the other houses we have seen, but that would result in a blog entry the size of Tolstoy’s War and Peace. Needless to say, as time passed, our spectacular failures in finding something to our liking were becoming increasingly frustrating. Are our demands that unreasonable, why is this so hard?
We did flirt with the idea of building, but, deciding that we didn’t want to torture ourselves more than we already have, so we shelved that idea.

After all of these frustrating experiences, my wife and I have shifted our reality into cruise control and have, for the time being anyway, decided to stop looking for a couple of months in the hope that the universe will work itself out of this little funk and a nice, perfect house will present itself to us.

And while we wait for that to happen, I will write the great American novel, will sell a screenplay for a mindless Hollywood movie (I think the world is in the mood for a Revenge of the Nerds remake – wait a minute, that’s already being done), and discover a new solar system.

I believe that true happiness is about focusing on what you have rather than desiring what you don't. Sure, this is a cool fundamental principle to live by. Just remember, that every now and then you must surrender to your dreams while allowing disappointment to stir the imagination.

That, and you have to be a glutton for punishment.

Thought of the day

“Man is a genius when he is dreaming.”
- Akira Kurosawa