President's Day

No day off today, I am working. So, seeing as how it’s evolved into a bit of tradition, I present to you some President’s Day holiday facts.

Did you know?

• That contrary to popular belief, Presidents' Day (observed on the third Monday of February) honors Lincoln, Washington and ALL other past presidents of the United States of America. That means when you get elected, there's automatically a holiday honoring you - no matter how good (or not so good) you are at the job… I could say something about our current ‘Prez’ but it’s like shooting attorney’s in a field… it’s just too easy.
• The Office of Personnel Management (OPM - the Federal Government’s Human Resources Agency) states that, according to federal law, President’s Day is officially called Washington’s Birthday
• As far as historical scholars know, neither President Washington nor President Lincoln ever attended a President's Day sale.

Kemp’s Top Ten ‘President’s Day’ movies:

1. The Phantom President
2. Betty Boop for President
3. The President Vanishes
4. Kisses for My President
5. The Virgin President
6. Joe and Ethel Turp Call on the President
7. Olive Oyl for President
8. The American President
9. The President’s Analyst
10. All the President’s Men

President’s Day Trivia:

• President Taft was a large man and weighed about 322 pounds. A special bathtub was installed for him in the White House, big enough to hold four men.
• There have been 5 left-handed Presidents: James Garfield, Harry S. Truman, Gerald Ford, George Bush, and Bill Clinton.
• During his presidency, Ulysses S. Grant was arrested and fined $20 for driving his horse too fast.
• Nine Presidents did not attend college: George Washington, Andrew Jackson, Martin Van Buren, Zachary Taylor, Millard Fillmore, Abraham Lincoln, Andrew Johnson, Grover Cleveland, and Harry S. Truman.

History of President’s Day

The original version of the holiday was in commemoration of George Washington's birthday in 1796 (the last full year of his presidency). In 1796, many Americans celebrated his birthday on the 22nd while others marked the occasion on the 11th instead.

By the early 19th century, Washington's Birthday had taken firm root in the American experience as a bona fide national holiday. Its traditions included Birthnight Balls in various regions, speeches and receptions given by prominent public figures, and a lot of revelry in taverns throughout the land.

Then along came Abraham Lincoln, another revered president and fellow February baby (born on the 12th of the month). The first formal observance of his birthday took place in 1865 (the year after his assassination) when both houses of Congress gathered for a memorial address. While Lincoln's Birthday did not become a federal holiday like George Washington's, it did become a legal holiday in several states.

In 1968, legislation (HR15951) was enacted that affected several federal holidays, one of which was Washington's Birthday. The observation of his birthday was shifted to the third Monday in February each year whether or not it fell on the 22nd. This act, which took effect in 1971, was designed to simplify the yearly calendar of holidays and give federal employees some standard three-day weekends in the process.

Apparently, while the holiday in February is still officially known as Washington's Birthday it has become popularly (and, perhaps in some cases at the state level, legally) known as "President's Day." This has made the third Monday in February a day for honoring Washington and Lincoln, as well as all the other men who have served as president.

How about some past Presidential Campaign Slogans:

• William Henry Harrison – “Tippecanoe and Tyler Too”
• James K. Polk – “5440 or fight”
• Henry Clay – “Who is James K. Polk?” (Our thoughts exactly…)
• Grover Cleveland – “Blain, Blaine, James G. Blaine, The Continental Liar from the State of Maine” (at least it rhymed…)
• James Blaine – “Ma, Ma, Where’s my Pa, Gone to the White House, Ha, Ha, Ha” (at least it rhymed…)
• William McKinley – “A Full Dinner Party” (Isn’t that what Dolly Madison always said?)
• Woodrow Wilson – “He kept us out of war”
• Warren G. Harding – “Cox and cocktails” (I don’t even know where to begin…)
• Dwight Eisenhower – “I like Ike” (At least it rhymed…)
• Richard Nixon – “Nixon’s the One” (And number 2…)
• Jimmy Carter – “Not just Peanuts” (But jelly…)
• Ronald Reagan – “It’s morning again in America” (That’s how he remembered it anyway… sorry, that was in bad taste…)
• Bill Clinton – “Putting People First” (Especially interns…)
• George W. Bush – “Compassionate Conservatism” (Doesn’t apply to the VP while Quail hunting…)

Gratuitous President's Day photo:

TGIFF

Friday... Friday... Friday... Friday... Friday... FRIDAY!!!!!

It's Friday everyone. The end of the work week. The weekend is nigh (nigh??)

What do we have planned for this weekend?

• Friday night is the usual excitement. Grocery store. Whoo-hoo!

• Saturday morning The Peanut Butter & The Jelly have music class. Then my parents come in to town from St Louis for the weekend. Along with my brother and his girlfriend for the night. Why you ask... family picture Saturday afternoon. Yes... all of us, including the little ones. So you're all thinking to yourself... wow, Kemp's gonna need a drink after that... well, funny you should mention that.

• Saturday night my wife and I, along with my brother and his girlfriend, are going to a "Cash Bash." What's a Cash Bash you ask? Glad you asked...It's a fundraising event to raise money (imagine that) for the Community College my wife works at. For $100 per couple you get a food buffet, unlimited alcohol, and casino-type games (whoa...did I just get transported to a political lobbyist fundraiser?) You also get your name put into a drawing for $5,000.... $1,000... $500... and 10 chances for $100.

Unlimited food + Unlimited 'al-key-hall' + Gambling + Cigars + No kids = Hallelujah!!! (thank you Kevin Smith...)

Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, but a chance to go out for the evening while my parents watch them... it's... it's... I'm sorry... I promised myself I wouldn't cry....

Have a good weekend! Bye everybody!

Three Words: Pitchers & Catchers

Last baseball season was a very disappointing one for me.

First; my beloved Cardinals fell short of getting back to the World Series (and avenging their loss to the hated, despised and loathed, Boston Red Sox.) by losing in the National League Championship Series to the Houston Astros… (the Astros!? The Astros!? Come on now… how the f*** could you lose to the Astros!? I mean…, come on!! The Astros!!??…. breathe Kemp… one, two, three… calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean…)

Second, we said goodbye to Busch Memorial Stadium (a subject I have already waxed-poetic on, many, many times), the ‘cookie-cutter’ home of the Cardinals since before I was born. It was demolished to make way for Busch Stadium Part Two.

But now… my hopes are up. My joy is back.

Pitchers and catchers are reporting… say it loud and it sounds like heaven…. ‘pitchers and catchers are reporting’… gives me shivers. Pitchers and catchers don't actually begin working out until Friday, and it's another few days before the full squad is required to appear, but no three words in the English language can entice and captivate baseball fans as much as the words “pitchers and catchers” can…

I know that we are, once again, targeted by the rest of the NL Central, but the only team I am worried about is the Astros… (the Astros!? The Astros!? Come on now… how the f*** could you lose to the Ast—, sorry… my bad… I’m back on track now)

I am a little worried (very little, as little as the “President’s” approval ratings) about the Chicago Cubs. You know, the hated, loathed, despised and reviled Chicago Cubs. But then I think…it’s the Cubs, come on now…

Milwaukee, Pittsburgh, and Cincinnati? Meh. They made changes, but nothing that I think can overtake my boys in red.

And the Cards made some… moves in the off season. Nothing earth-shattering. We let Morris go, but I think we could have someone better than Morris in the wings with Anthony Reyes… or even Sidney Ponson could turn his career around with pitching coach Dave Duncan’s magic.

So I am hopeful… and optimistic… and psyched about the team.

I’m also psyched about something else about the Cardinals upcoming season…

The new Busch Stadium. It looks great. In fact, here’s a picture from the last day of demolition of Old Busch taken at 8:50 am on 12/9/2005, the new Busch is on the right…

And here’s a picture of the New Busch as of 11:39 am today, 2/16/2006. Don’t it look grand? A little over 2 months and look how far they have progressed…

How about all of you? I know some of you are baseball freaks. (Though I also believe that some of you like the Red Sox and the Yankees…I won’t say anything negative about any of you liking those teams… except ‘sorry.’)

Are any of you looking forward to the new season?

Random Thoughts for a Wednesday Afternoon

It’s a ritual on my other blog, so, rather than try to write up a long, drawn-out post I thought I would alter the title slightly and do it here on my personal blog.

Random Thoughts for a Wednesday Afternoon.

• Like Matthew, I received some good blogging info today. www.Dadbloggers.com has offered me the chance to join them as a regular contributor. My first post on the site should appear February 23rd. Yay for me.
• I watched War of the Worlds last night. I came away from the movie with one question… How the HELL does Dakota Fanning keep getting work?
• Does anyone really care if Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes break up?
• I am officially sick of the Olympics. Not so much the events, but the damn ‘human-interest’ angles. There is only so much ‘I want to win for [insert family member here]’ that one person can take.
• Is there really a market for Season One (or any season for that matter) of ‘Growing Pains’ on DVD? And if there is, should these people be allowed to procreate?
• Repeat the above thought but substitute “Gimme a Break’ for ‘Growing Pains’
• Will Dick “Dead Eye” Cheney now have trouble finding hunting partners?
• To Kill a Mockingbird should be required reading (and viewing) for every high school student in the country.
• To be honest, the winner of Best in Show is… kind of ugly.
• Is it just me or does a Bull Terrier’s head look like an egg?
• It’s obvious to me, but apparently not to others, that we'd all be a lot happier if we just came to grips with the fact that the Internet will, one day, offend us all. This columnist agrees.
• There’s a new game for baby boomers that will predict whether they will die within the next five years with 81% accuracy. That should make for some interesting early-bird dinner conversations shouldn’t it?
• The other blog I post on got over 500 visits on Monday. Our previous high was 133. All I can say to that is 'Holy Flurking Schnit.'
• How badly would the question; ‘In the future, do you plan to go on any hunting excursions with VP Dick Cheney?’ skew the results?
• And to think, when I woke up this morning I had no idea that I would see the words 'flamingo cup' and 'toilet' appear in the same sentence.

That's all I got...

Shout Out

I would be remiss if I did not do a quick shout-out to the creator of one of my all-time favorite shows...

Happy 52nd Birthday Matt Groening, this Duff's for you.

Valentine's Day

Ok, MetroDad beat me to it... so did Matthew over at ChildsPlay X2 ... I had started this post last night, fell asleep, and, not one of those who ever blogs at work… not me, no sirree (I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, you just can’t express sarcasm in the written word that well) I was going to post it this afternoon when I got home from work.

So instead of posting a story like that, I will start by saying I love my wife more and more each day. And each day I am grateful she is with me for eternity and has given us our beautiful daughters, The Peanut Butter and The Jelly. She laughs at my jokes, she compliments my cooking and, last but not least; she makes me a better man, husband, and father, and for that I can never thank you enough. I love you, always… and forever.

Now, rather than fill the remainder of this post with more saccharine, which we are probably all full of by now anyway, I present to you Valentine’s Day cards from the OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE set. Or as my brother said, think of these as Valentines Day cards from Adrian Monk.

(Special Statement: By no means is this post striving to make light of any serious problems or disorders… it is presented as satire… thank you)

• “Sweetheart, I've got you under my skin. I'll wash and wash, but you'll never come out.”
• “Roses are red, violets are blue. Sugar is sweet, and I think I left the iron on.”
• “I'm crazy for you! Get it? Crazy.”
• “BE MINE. Wait, that has six letters. Six letters is so unlucky. It's like YOU DIE. That's exactly what it's like. Now you're going to die and it's all my fault.”
• “Honey, I'm hot for you! It's like a fever. Do you think it's viral meningitis? I bet it is. I touched the light switch and who knows what germs were on there. Then I thought about you, and infected you-it's a viral brain infection, so of course it's transmitted through brain waves… that makes perfect sense. We should probably just drive to the hospital right now.”
• "You're all I think about… literally!”
• “You and me, sitting in a tree— oh, wait, that doesn't sound very safe, does it? Let's say we're sitting on a… couch instead. Huh. I… I wonder who sat on this couch before us. Maybe we should put some plastic wrap down…. yeah I think we'd better. Is this a new box of plastic wrap, or has it been opened for a while? Are you sure? OK. OK. Let's just say it’s new and move on. So we're sitting on a couch, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Except that I kind of feel this tingle on my lip? Like I might be getting a cold sore? Maybe we should just forget the whole thing.”
• “It's hard to tell, what with all the SSRI’s in my bloodstream, but I think I feel something for you.”
• “I'd touch you without gloves. If I could, I mean.”
• “I love you. Wait. That didn't feel right. Let me try it again. I love you. That didn’t come out right either… don't think about disease, don't think about disease, don't think about disease… I love you. There, I said it. Whew.”

Did you enjoy those? I knew you would. Ok… how about some

Inane Valentine’s Day trivia…
On this date in 1929, the "St. Valentine's Day Massacre" took place in Chicago, Illinois. Seven gangsters, all rivals of Al Capone, were killed. People think that it was Capone’s men that did the killing but they’re wrong. It was the seven gangster’s wives who didn’t even get a card, much less flowers or chocolates, for Valentine’s Day… Remember the saying: hell hath no fury like a woman forgotten on Valentine’s Day.

What’s that you say? Now you want some...

Historical background on Valentine’s Day?
As early as the fourth century B.C., the Romans engaged in an annual young man's rite to passage to the God Lupercus. The names of teenage women were placed in a box and drawn at random by adolescent men; thus, a man was assigned a woman companion for the duration of the year, after which another lottery was staged. After eight hundred years of this practice, the early church fathers sought to end it. They found an answer in Valentine, a bishop who had been martyred some two hundred years earlier.According to church tradition St. Valentine was a priest near Rome in about the year 270 A.D.

(At that time the Roman Emperor Claudius-II who had issued an edict forbidding marriage. This was around when the heyday of Roman empire had almost come to an end. Lack of quality administrators led to frequent civil strife. Learning declined, taxation increased, and trade slumped to a low, precarious level. And the Gauls, Slavs, Huns, Turks and Mongolians from Northern Europe and Asian increased their pressure on the empire's boundaries. The empire was grown too large to be shielded from external aggression and internal chaos with existing forces. Thus more of capable men were required to be recruited as soldiers and officers)

When Claudius became the emperor, he felt that married men were more emotionally attached to their families, and thus, will not make good soldiers. So to assure quality soldiers, he banned marriage.

Valentine, a bishop , seeing the trauma of young lovers, met them in a secret place, and joined them in the sacrament of matrimony. Claudius learned of this "friend of lovers," and had him arrested. The emperor, impressed with the young priest's dignity and conviction, attempted to convert him to the roman gods, to save him from certain execution. Valentine refused to recognize Roman Gods and even attempted to convert the emperor, knowing the consequences fully.

On February 24, 270, Valentine was executed, but not before, while in prison awaiting his fate, he came in contact with his jailor, Asterius.

It seems Asterius had a blind daughter and requested Valentine heal his daughter. Through his faith he miraculously restored the sight of Asterius' daughter.

Just before his execution, he asked for a pen and paper from his jailor, and signed a farewell message to her "From Your Valentine," a phrase that lived ever after.Valentine thus became a Patron Saint, and the spiritual overseer of an annual festival. The festival involved young Romans offering women they admired, and wished to court, handwritten greetings of affection on February 14. The greeting cards contained St. Valentine's name.

And now you know… the rest. Of. The story.

Still hungry for more? How about...

Kemp’s Top Ten Valentine’s Day/Romantic Movies:

1. Casablanca
2. Pride & Prejudice
3. The Philadelphia Story
4. Reality Bites
5. Before Sunrise
6. Amelie
7. Chasing Amy
8. It Happened One Night
9. Say Anything
10. The Princess Bride

Now how about the...

Worst (so-called) Romance Movies:

1. Gigli
2. From Justin to Kelly

Really, isn’t that enough?

Still hungry for more Valentine's Day-related madness? Ok. Here’s...

How to say “I love you” in other languages.

• Danish -- "Jeg elsker dig"
• Dutch -- "Ik hou van jou"
• Esperanto -- "Mi amas vin"
• French -- "Je t'aime"
• German -- "Ich liebe Dich"
• Indonesian -- "Saya cinta kamu"
• Italian -- "Ti amo"
• Japanese -- "Aishite imasu"
• Latin -- "Te amo"
• Mandarin Chinese -- "Wo ai ni"
• Polish -- "Kocham cie"
• Romanian -- "Te iu besc"
• Russian -- "Ya vas liubliu"
• Spanish -- "Te amo"
• Swedish -- "Jag alskar dig"
• Turkish -- "Seni seviyorum"

And now… a gratuitous Valentine’s Day picture of my twin daughters, The Peanut Butter and The Jelly. Happy Valentine's Day everyone...

SAHD for a Day

The Peanut Butter AND The Jelly are both sick today, and since it's my turn (my wife and I alternate staying home when the kids are sick) I will be here all day with coughs, runny noses and a slight fever on The PB.

I'll post later when they are taking their naps. This is a nasty infection that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.... wait a minute, yes I would.

Kemp's Movie Quote Challenge

I told him he started something… but I don’t think he believed me.

Yesterday, Mr. Big Dubya opined about being home alone with Little Dub. Within the post he mentioned the movie “Real Genius” which, naturally, got me off on a Real Genius quote-spurt. Then MetroDad joined in and it was anarchy... chaos… “human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria.” (Damn it, there I go again…)

Ya see; I have the uncanny ability to remember quotes and inane trivia from movies and TV shows… I don’t know why, I just do. Maybe when I was younger a television set or a movie projector fell on top of me and transferred some of its television/movie power to me… wow, that sentence sounded so much better in my head than it looks…

Simple game… I give a quote and a year and a hint, and someone leaves me a comment as to which movie it is.

1. “Hey, Hoops, you ever notice how people die in alphabetical order?” – 1986 (Three words: Savage Steve Holland)
2. “I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec.” – 1988. (A small, independent film from a producer who at one time had a successful music career)
3. “Goddamn it, I knew I should've listened to my mother. I could've been a cosmetic surgeon, five hundred thou a year, up to my neck in tits and ass.” – 1984 (Originally, Sylvester Stallone and Christopher Reeve were up for the lead male role)
4. “Greetings, Starfighter. You have been recruited by the Star League to defend the frontier against Xur and the Ko-Dan armada.” – 1984 (Wil Wheaton filmed scenes for this movie which were cut, yet his name still appears in the end credits)
5. “And grab some toilet paper; I ain't gonna use no leaves.” – 1984 (A message to the resistance, ‘John has a long mustache’, is the same message the French resistance gets in one of the best war movies ever made; “The Longest Day”)
6. “First learn stand, then learn fly.” – 1984 (Clint Eastwood’s son Kyle auditioned for the lead role but didn’t get it)
7. “Excuse me, we're from Noisebusters. Do you know where the Menudo concert is?” – 1986 (Movie starring a current Presidential candidate who is also a former Senator from Alderan and a LA Attorney, a former Lieutenant of Tony Soprano and a tap dancer)
8. “Oh my God, the quarterback is toast.” – 1988 (A ballet dancer playing a terrorist? Say what?)
9. “Gimme a call whenever you wanna cut off my head. I can always crawl around without it.” – 1984 (First movie from a duo of brothers specializing in dark comedy and crime)
10. “Sorry, I'm a bit of a stickler for paperwork. Where would we be if we didn't follow the correct procedures?” – 1985 (movie gem from a former animator)
11. “Get away from her, you bitch!” – 1986 (Sci-Fi movie co-starring a former lynchpin of NBC’s comedy lineup)
12. “Are there no gods, no Buddha? If you exist, hear me. You are mischievous and cruel! Are you so bored up there you must crush us like ants? Is it such fun to see men weep?” – 1985 (A story that was partially inspired by Shakespeare's "King Lear" but at the same time also draws on samurai legends as well)
13. “Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?” – 1980 (Should be easy, but here’s a hint anyway; David Letterman did a screen test for the lead male role)
    
    

D'oh!

Ok… apparently I’ve been exhausting my creative talents on my other blog (which got its 4000th visitor Monday… whoo-hoo!), as I cannot think of anything to write about here.

I’ve travailed and traipsed the ‘internets’ and the blogosphere, hoping to garner some sort of insight and spark some creative juices… no such luck.

So I hit here… at the computer… thinking, pondering, mulling considering, brooding, reflecting…

And nothing comes…

Maybe tomorrow…

Random Post-Super Bowl Thoughts

• That was NOT a Steelers touchdown in the first quarter, Seattle got hosed.
• The ads this year were… not really bad… not really good… just sort of… there.
• My favorite ads? Well, it’s a toss-up between the Ameriquest ad with the doctors and the fly. Funny as hell. And the baby Clydesdale trying to pull the Budweiser wagon then getting helped by the two older horses… sweet, and totally saccharine-nated.
• Worst commercial: Another toss-up. Shaq shilling for Desperate Housewives or the P-Diddy Pepsi commercial. Ewwwww….
• The NFL cut Mick’s mic on two incidents for “questionable lyrics.” Whatever.
• The food I had at my Super Bowl bash can best be described with one word: gluttony.
• ... though I have to say my toasted ravioli was the best I had ever done.
• I missed part of the 3rd Quarter because my daughters wanted me to read them a bedtime story… and it was worth it.
• The Peanut Butter and The Jelly love sports and love to watch sports with me, but were more interested in playing with my wife and my brother’s girlfriend than watching the game.
• Aretha Franklin, Dr. John & Aaron Neville did an exceptional job on the Anthem. Very cool.
• Loved the stage the Stones played on, very cool.
• Did anyone here know that Jerome Bettis was from Detroit? I hadn’t heard.
• BTW, way to go Jerome! Congrats on a phenomenal career…
• I can’t stand John Madden… I really really can’t - Worst. Announcer. Ever.
• Watched Grey’s Anatomy after the game. First time. Not bad… not bad at all.
• Had 2 beers while frying my ravioli (and that is not a euphemism for anything else… get your mind out of the gutters people) and 2 more before halftime. After that, none. And I have no idea why.

That’s all I got. But I have to say this: ‘Wait ‘til next year. The Rams will be good again and will knock Seattle from the top spot in the division... sorry Tony.

Super "Bowl"ing for Dollars

One of the things I do in my spare time (which I have plenty of you know, having twins, working full-time, being a blogger) is teach at the local college. I primarily teach business, management and computer classes with a few public speaking classes thrown in there for good measure.

I also teach marketing. (As does my brother, but on a slightly larger and grander scale as he is a professor – recently tenured – at DePaul University in Chicago)

Last year at this time I did a special lecture on Super Bowl ads. Where and when the craze started, the rising costs of airing a SB ad, etc. I also went through what I thought were the best SB ads ever (you can see where this post is going, can’t you?)

BTW, click HERE for a terrific link that shows most of the Super Bowl ads from this post.

This year, each 30-second spot costs $2,500,000 (up from $2,400,000 last year). Between 1967 and 1983 the price for an ad fluctuated with the economy. After 1984, the prices started to go up every year (with a 30-second spot going for $368,000 for the 1984 game to $525,000 for the 1985 contest.

Now, you’re all asking what happened in 1984 that caused the sudden price-spike? You asked, I shall tell as I recap some of the best-ever Super Bowl ads of all-time (that’s just a little redundant isn’t it?) To avoid arguments, this list is NOT in any order of best to worst, it’s purely arbitrary based on popular opinions. Mine. Hah!

(Of course I’m kidding… it’s complied from a list of viewer favorites from such sites as MSN.com, ESPN.com, etc.)

The first one (which happens to be MY favorite as well as the one that started the SB Ad craze) is from Apple Computers.

• Released in 1984 (ah-ha!) the ad is simply titled “1984” and it turned the Super Bowl commercial into an event that sometimes exceeded the game being played as the first-ever Macintosh was introduced in this 60-second spot done by “Blade Runner” and “Gladiator” director Ridley Scott. In an homage to George Orwell’s novel of the same name, an auditorium full of mindless and spiritless drones watches as “Big Brother” (symbolism people! IBM) goes on and on about the anniversary of the “Information Purification Directives” on a gigantic television screen. All of a sudden, from the back of the hall, a blonde woman in shorts comes racing toward the screen, stops, and hurls a slow-motion sledgehammer (symbolism again people! the new Mac) and shatters the image. Then the voice-over: “On Jan. 24, Apple Computer will introduce Macintosh, and you'll see why 1984 won't be like ‘1984’.” Beautiful in its complex simplicity and visual artistry.
• In 1995, the way people looked at frogs was forever altered with the first appearance of the famous (or infamous?) “Budweiser Frogs.” This one can prove to you that sometimes the most basic idea is the most successful one. The synopsis is easy, three frogs sitting on lily pads in a dimly-lit swamp (as opposed to a bright swamp?), crickets chirping in the background. Then, the amphibians croak out the product name, “Budddd,” “Weissss,” “Errrrrr”. Did the ad work, go up to any person who watches the Super Bowl, say “Budddd” and find out for yourself. During the 1997 NBA play-offs, Anheuser-Busch (AB) premiered a series of spin-off ads starring a pair of wise-cracking Lizards. They, like the frogs, helped propel Budweiser and AB to new heights in their advertising.
• 2000 we saw the airing of E-Trade’s “Monkey” ad. As was simple enough, two old men clapping off-beat to La Cucaracha while a monkey in an E-Trade t-shirt dances on top of a garbage can. Then comes the punchline: “We just wasted two million dollars. What are you doing with your money?” Funny and alarmingly simple.
• Ok, this next one aired WAY to long before Budweiser finally decided to stick a fork in it, but the first 2 years were a sight to see. I am talking, of course, of “Bud Bowl.” The ads were shown every year from 1989 to 1996 (and they REALLY should have stopped after 1991) I will openly agree that the ads are not even the best Budweiser Super Bowl ads, but in that first year, many people rooted just as hard for Bud as they did for the teams in the actual Super Bowl. My bet, is that Bud will rollout this campaign again some day.
• Anyone who has EVER worked in Corporate America can relate to this next one: Monster.com’s “When I Grow Up.” Released during the 1999 Super Bowl, this ad got you thinking one way, and then quickly leads you in the opposite direction. How? First, Monster paraded out a gaggle of cute kids to tell us all their hopes and dreams and aspirations. Cute right… until they start speaking their lines such as: “I want to have a brown nose.” “I want to claw my way up into middle management.” “I want to be forced into early retirement.” (Hey! I resemble those remarks.)
• Electronic Data Systems (EDS) and their “Herding Cats.” Quick, what does EDS do/sell? Yeah, I thought so. EDS is a specialized product that serves a specialized group (IT/IS gee— my bad, people), but this ad brought them to the attention of the masses…though if you asked the masses what EDS does, many couldn’t tell ya anything about them other than they do excellent Super Bowl commercials. The premise, take some guys who look like they stepped down off a Marlboro billboard (or off a screening of Brokeback Mountain… maybe not) and show them riding the range while trying to corral a couple hundred digitally rendered felines and brushing cat hair from their chaps. Utter genius. EDS had another Super Bowl hit that featured the running of the squirrels at Pamplona, Spain. That one was brilliant as well.
• Before they fell into the pit that is Britney Spears, the folks at Pepsi could always be counted on for one of the best commercials of any Super Bowl Sunday. In 1995 they aired “Diner”, which showed a scene of a Pepsi deliveryman and a Coke deliverymen experiencing a moment of diner-counter detente and each taking a sip of the others wares. Nice, polite, unifying… until of course, the Coca-Cola employee won't return the Pepsi to the Pepsi employee and all hell breaks loose. The next year Pepsi released “Security Camera”, a follow-up of sorts where a security camera detects a Coke deliveryman trying to steal a can of Pepsi. He fails and proceeds to spill Pepsi cans all over the floor. This is funny stuff… even though I can’t stand Pepsi.
• McDonald's “Showdown” which premiered in 1993. This ad shows Larry Bird, who almost always seems to be completely devoid of personality, became charming-esque in a series of ads with Michael Jordan. The best of which was their game of “Horse”. “Off the expressway, over the river, off the billboard, through the window, off the wall, nothin' but net.” You have to ask yourself, with these two, did they even have to digitally enhance the ad?
• In 1995, Nike put Dennis Hopper into an ad that some say signaled the onset of political correctness in American pop culture. In the ad, entitled “Patton” Hopper (in perfect Easy Rider mode) spoke, scarcely coherently, an ode to “the ballet of bulldozers, the moments of grace in a sea of fury.” The ad generated controversy as it was thought to have been mocking the mentally ill. Never mind that Hopper had been acting in that manner for years. “Bad things, man.”
• Cedric the Entertainer is romancing a very hot date in Bud’s 2001 ad simply titled, “Cedric.” When it's time to cool off just a little, he eases into the kitchen to grab two bottles of Bud Light from the fridge. Cedric's, um, shall we say, ‘excited’ at the prospect of what the evening might hold, so he does a little happy dance in the kitchen, accidentally shaking up the bottles in the process. The end of the evening comes too soon when he opens the bottles and the shaken beer explodes all over his date. Funny as hell, but also poignant as we all feel for Cedric… having probably done something similar to a date way back when… me? No, not me. No, no, a little bit. Long story that I won’t bore you with today.
• Budweiser’s 1996 classic “Clydesdales Play Ball”. A snowy game of pick-up football between two teams of horses with a couple of ranch hands (Jake & Ennis?) showing surprise that they went for a field goal instead of trying for a touchdown. In 2004 Bud updated the ad, in conjunction with the video-replay arguments of that season, showing: the same teams, but with a Zebra acting as referee and viewing a replay under the infamous ‘Ref-Tarp”
• A few years back, CareerBuilder.com unleashed “Chimps” on us. Each ad poked fun at a guy whose career is flagging because he — literally — works with a bunch of “no-good stinkin’ apes” (sorry, couldn’t resist) with a bunch of chimpanzees. In one ad, the chimps place a “whoopee cushion” on his chair. In another, the guy watches in dismay as one chimp kisses the ass of his boss. All I can say about this ad is been there, seen that. Ads with animals are big in the Super Bowl, but this one proves its popularity again and again because so many people can relate to the imagery and intent. (Show of hands, who here has worked with “chimps” before? Come on, MD, Dubya, I know you guys probably have…)
• Another one that is one of my favorites (mainly because I LOVE Tabasco sauce), is the ad that shows a calmly gent sitting on a front porch in the bayou, eating pizza that he keeps throwing Tabasco sauce onto. Then we see an image of a mosquito drinking his blood, the mosquito flies off and promptly explodes due to the heat of the Tabasco sauce… brilliant and simple at the same time.
• GoDaddy.com. Picture below. ‘Nuff said.

That’s it, my list of some of the all-time favorite Super Bowl ads.

Agree? Disagree? Leave me a comment and let me know some of YOUR favorite ads from past Super Bowls… you’ll be glad you did.

And if you want to get a sense of what Super Bowl viewers will be seeing this year, click HERE for a handy SB Ad Chart.

Shout-Out!

Let's all remember tomorrow as The Day the Music Died. On February 3, 1959, Buddy Holly (22), The Big Bopper (28), and Richie Valens (17) died in a plane crash soon after taking off from Clear Lake, Iowa. Bopper and Valens had taken the seats of two members of Holly's band, Tommy Allsup and Waylon Jennings. Their music and their all-too short lives will NOT be forgotten.

Happy Groundhog Day!

Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow today so that means six more weeks of winter. My question is: When did winter start?

To help you get through that horrible news, I’ve put together some random Groundhog Day trivia/Q&A/useless knowledge tidbits. Enjoy...

- The groundhog is also known as a woodchuck (Marmota monax) and is a member of the squirrel family eating such things as dandelions, clovers and various grasses.
- Did you know? That the first Groundhog Day was observed in Punxsutawney, PA in 1887.

Top 10 Groundhog Day Movies
10 - Groundhog Day
09 - Groundhog Day
08 - Groundhog Day
07 - Groundhog Day
06 - Groundhog Day
05 - Groundhog Day
04 - Groundhog Day
03 - Groundhog Day
02 - Groundhog Day
01 - Groundhog Day

Nice list huh? What do you expect with what I have to work with?

Top 10 Reasons to Celebrate Groundhog Day

10 - It's on nearly every calendar
09 - It helps relieve Cabin Fever
08 - Spring or not, it's still six weeks till St. Urho's Day
07 - Forecast is no less reliable that any other Weather Service.
06 - At least one of them critters is bound to see things your way
05 - Valentine's Day is just too damn depressing for nerds
04 - Unlike the Easter Bunny, he keeps his dirty paws outside
03 - As was said on the 'oldtime' radio show back in the 'olden days': “The Shadow Knows”
02 - It's fun to say “Punxsutawney”
01 - If a rodent can bring us an early spring, more power to him

Random Groundhog Day Musings:

Allow me to get political with this next one:
Q: What's the difference between Groundhog Day and President Bush's State of the Union Address?
A: One is a meaningless ritual wherein we look to a creature of little intelligence to prognosticate for us... the other involves a woodchuck. [rimshot] (Thank you, I'm here all week, try the veal... or the Groundhog)

And this one:
“On Groundhog Day, old timers think they can predict whether it's going to be an early spring or six more weeks of winter by whether or not the groundhog sees his shadow, or, as President Bush calls it, ‘reliable intelligence’.”
- Jay Leno

“The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its prediction and then disappears.”
- Bill Vaughn

What else has happened on February 2 throughout the years?

1653 - New Amsterdam (later renamed New York City) is incorporated.
1709 - Alexander Selkirk is rescued from a shipwreck on a deserted island. This would inspire the writing of the book "Robinson Crusoe" by Daniel 'No Relation to Willem' Defoe.
1880 - The first electric streetlight is installed in Wabash, Indiana.
1940 - Frank Sinatra debuts with the Tommy Dorsey orchestra.
1945 - World War II: US President Franklin D. Roosevelt & British Prime Minister Winston Churchill leave to meet with Soviet leader Joseph Stalin at the Yalta Conference.
1979 - Sid Vicious dies of a heroin overdose.

How about a Groundhog Day drinking game?

This is a very simple game. Watch the movie “Groundhog's Day” and take a shot for every new ‘day’ that Bill Murray lives again. Especially fun is the multiple slapping scenes. Each slap is obviously another day, so you may have to count the number of slaps, stop the tape and catch up. This all happens when he tries killing himself over and over, and over and over and over and, well, you get the idea. (Hint: By the end of the game, each participant should have done 42 shots. Remember, as with any drinking game... know your limitations)

Did you know?

… that Punxsutawney Phil has seen his shadow the last 7 years.

… that the movie “Groundhog Day” with Bill Murray was filmed in Woodstock, Illinois.
… that like the shadow disappearing after the groundhog sees it; Andie MacDowell’s career suffered the same fate after appearing in this movie?

The story of Groundhog Day.

That pig farmers have never done well in the United States as most Americans prefer beef to pork. Granted, hamburger is an American favorite but, in a little known secret, actually contains no ham whatsoever.

The porcine raisers were hopeful to see a significant increase in their business after the health scares about beef and Upton Sinclairs novel “The Jungle”, but most of those benefits had gone to the poultry and fish industries and sales of ham and bacon remained virtually unchanged.

Because of this, The National Porcine Association hired a major Madison Avenue advertising firm to boost sales of pork products and they decided on an intensive campaign to saturate magazines, television and radio with ads urging people to eat pork patties. The campaign was given an extra boost when Congress was convinced to designate the second of February as the day when every family would be urged to eat pork sausage. That day would be celebrated nationally, of course, as Ground, Hog, Day.

To get a real history of the day, click HERE.

And consider this...

...and one day, sick and tired of having to showcase themselves on every February 2nd, the Groundhogs rose up and attacked their human masters...

Random Contemplations

Sarah over at SATGS does it.

I do it on my political blog.

So I thought, why not do it on my own blog…

Actually, the reason I'm doing it is because I can't think of anything else to write about, so this seemed to be the easiest cop-out.

So here you go, "Random Contemplations" for a Tuesday

• Goodbye Mrs. King, the world is a poorer place in your absence and you will be missed.
• Did anyone, and I mean ANYONE, ever think an alum of ‘Dawson’s Creek’ would be nominated for an Academy Award? I sure as hell didn’t (and no, I didn’t watch the show, my wife used to)
• How (and why) in the world did my twins’ fall back under the spell of The Wiggles?
• How is Fox’s abysmal ‘The War at Home’ still on the air while ‘Arrested Development’ is hanging on by a thread? Can someone… anyone, explain that to me?
• Where's all the hype for the Super Bowl? I need more hype… (it’s really hard to express sarcasm in written form, don’t ya think?)
• How long until Disney completely ruins Pixar?
• What exactly is a gamecock? Come to think of it, do I even wanna know?
• What would I see if I typed ‘gamecock’ into Google image search? Do I even wanna know?

January 28, 1986

“We will never forget them, nor the last time we saw them,this morning, as they prepared for their journey and waved goodbye and ‘slipped the surly bonds of earth’ to ‘touch the face of God.’”

President Ronald Reagan on January 28, 1986 from the Oval Office in an Address to the Nation regarding the Shuttle Challenger disaster earlier that day.

On the Defensive

It seems that I wrote a post the other day that is causing division and strife… well, not really, but it’s getting me some ‘snarky’ comments… and nobody snarks the “Snark Master.”

(What is a ‘snark’? Click HERE to find out…)

The post I am speaking about was titled ‘Musical Embarrassment’ (it can be read in its entirety HERE)

In the post, I wrote about how I have downloaded some things onto my new iPod that, shall we say, may cause some people to be embarrassed. Now, I thought it was an innocent enough post, and in the end asked for readers to name some of their musical embarrassments.

I personally caught a lot of flack for some of the music I included in the list. Particularly Andrew Gold, Christopher Cross & Debbie Gibson. I pinpoint those three because they were the ones singled out by my ‘Blog-Amigo’s.’

So, in wanting to defend my musical honor I wanted to take this opportunity to explain some of the songs I have listed.

• “Thank You for Being a Friend” by Andrew Gold. Yes, this was the theme song to ‘The Golden Girls’, and let me say this; I couldn’t stand ‘The Golden Girls.’ HATED IT. Worst. 80’s. Show. Ever. I like the theme song though. Why? Listen to it, or even read the lyrics, and you will understand. The song is all about friendship. And let me point out (I’m not sounding the least bit defensive, am I?) that the song was released in 1978 (reaching number 25 on the Billboard Album charts) and Golden Girls premiered in 1985.
• “Arthur’s Theme” by Christopher Cross. Ok, now this was from a movie I loved. Not since his heyday with Peter Cook (click HERE to learn more about Peter Cook & Dudley Moore) has Moore been better. Funny and poignant it was a movie that delivered such classic lines as “You’re a hooker!?” or Sir John Gielgud saying “Perhaps you would like me to wash your dick for you... you little shit.” A classic film with a song that closes it perfectly. Again, like the aforementioned song by Mr. Gold, take a moment to read the lyrics and decide for yourself.
• Debbie Gibson. Ok… truthfully, I didn’t put my DG album (why do I still call them ‘albums’?) on my iPod. Why? I listened to a couple of songs from the album (there I go again) and, unlike some of the other 80’s songs I downloaded to the iPod, this one… well, let’s just say it didn’t age well. Ms. Gibson herself? She has aged very well as she was (and still is if you saw her pics in Playboy) HOT.

I have to admit I am surprised I didn’t get derided for some of the other songs I actually listed like “I Think I Love You”, “Dancing Queen” “Twist of Fate” (remember the movie it was from – As Bart Simpson once said, ‘…it both sucks and blows.’) and “The Time Warp”.

I have approximately 3300 songs on my iPod (and still have over 37 GB of memory left - thank you Steve Jobs!) and they run the gamut of genres. You name a genre or a specific group, I am sure I have at least one song on there from them, but you can get a sense of my favorites as I have more songs from certain artists than I have from others. IE The Beatles (and many solo albums from the four of them), Wilco, Bruce Springstein, The Rolling Stones, Michael Penn and so on. Why am I telling you this? Honestly, I'm not sure. I am writing this post late Thursday night (technically Friday morning) because I can't get to sleep so I may be hallucinating a tad.

And that’s all I have to say on the matter.

And let me say this; I am not meaning this as a serious post. I am posting this as a satirical comeback to some satirical comments I received. I know I shouldn’t have to say that, but I’ve been noticing some nasty ‘anonymous’ comments on some other blogs (and I have received some of these via email) lately from people who either:

1. Have not a single iota of intelligence in their heads.
2. Don’t know sarcasm, satire, humor, or wit when they see it.
3. Take everything WAY to literally.
4. Are dumb as a box or rocks.

A Twins-Infused Theory

Sarah over at SATGS had a few ‘commenters’ commenting on this (???) and, having some experience with it, I decided it would be a perfect post for me to write.

Imagine if you will, twins… playing quietly with one another in their playroom… no crying, no tantrums… nothing. You are at the dining room table, grading papers, you get up, go into the kitchen to get another cup of coffee. One of your daughters comes in, asks for a drink of water. You get out a cup, but she doesn’t want that cup, she wants her Dora cup… but not that Dora cup, she wants the other Dora cup.

You get the cup out, find the lid, pour some water into it, and give it to her. She drinks it up, says ‘All gone’, looks behind her, hands the cup back to you, and walks back to her playroom. You put the cup in the dishwasher (not the sink with me… no… directly into the dishwasher, I’m a little anal when it comes to dirty dishes in the kitchen, but I’m getting off the subject)

When you get back into the dining room…

Oh.

My.

God.

What am I talking about? Well, it goes by many names…

Planning

Conspiring

Plotting

Helping

Scheming

Conniving

The list is endless, but the best way to put it (especially the best way to put it to people who have younger twins, or multiples, or are expecting twins, or multiples) is “cooperating.”

When you get back into the room, the girls are playing in their playroom, but the papers you had been grading are strewn about the place, everywhere, on the floor, under the table, ‘on top of Ol’ Smokey’… EVERYWHERE. You see a trail of papers leading to the playroom… so you cautiously follow them, picking them up as you go.

You reach the playroom… and your two daughters look up at you with those adorable bright eyes… and they smile… and they say ‘Hi Daddy’…

And at that moment… you realize that you have just been played by a couple of Master Conspirators. These two put Guy Fawkes and his Gunpowder-Plot co-conspirators to shame.

These are my children, The Peanut Butter and The Jelly. Those were my papers I was grading for an Intro to Marketing class I was teaching last January (unfortunately, none of the papers disappeared, so I had to grade all of them… which is another post in itself…all I’ll say about that subject at this moment is that college kids of today can not write ONE properly constructed sentence to save their life…not one. And forget grammar and punctuation… they don’t exist in their world…but I digress as I am, once again, getting off-subject)

You think to yourself… “They couldn’t have done this on purpose could they? Yes, they were trying to get the papers earlier and you said no, but… one of them wouldn’t say they need water while the other…nah, couldn’t be.”

Yes. It could be.

This has happened before. And with their own ‘twin-language’, they could be planning it right in front of you and you and your spousal unit would have no clue.

They conspire (even if they’re not near a fire), they plot, and they scheme. They devise ways to make our lives… interesting (for lack of a better adjective)

Already, at the age of three, they conspire about telling people that they are their sister.

Or… one time, my wife and I heard them talking to each other about whose turn it would be that night to get into ‘Mom and Dad’s” bed. ‘I did it this morning, so it’s your turn tonight.’ ‘Ok, sissy.’

Another time, when they were still in their cribs, The Jelly dropped her baby doll out of the crib and as I bent over to pick it up, The Peanut Butter, speaking in their twin language, said something to The Jelly who then proceeded to drop a book onto my head. When I looked up at them, they both smiled at me., yes as soon as I turned away, they laughed.

So, take this as fair warning all you twins/multiples parents out there. This… is what you have to look forward to.

And I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Let Them Practice Kempolatry...

Mr. Big Dubya partook of this on his blog so I decided to join in on the fun… why? I have absolutely no idea…

10 interesting facts about yours truly, Kemp:

1. Europe is the only continent that lacks Kemp.
2. 99 percent of the pumpkins sold in the US end up as Kemp.
3. You can tell if Kemp has been hard-boiled by spinning him. If he stands up, he is hard-boiled.
4. The porpoise is second to Kemp as the most intelligent animal on the planet.
5. Kempolatry is the mindless worship of Kemp!
6. The only planet that rotates on its side is Kemp.
7. Kemp is the male seed of a flower blossom which has been gathered and treated by bees.
8. Kemp was invented in China in the eleventh century, but was only used for fireworks, never for weapons!
9. The word 'samba' means 'to rub Kemp'.
10. Pacman was originally called Kempman.

Want to find out 10 unknown facts about yourself? Click here and use the "Mechanical Contrivium" to find out.

And be sure to leave a comment on my previous post about what songs you have in your musical repertoire that you are a tad embarrassed by?

Or... leave a comment on this post... or any of my other posts... am I begging too much?

Musical Embarrassment

Let me start this post out by saying this: ‘I love my iPod.’

My new iPod, which I received as a Christmas gift last month, has become another appendage, a cyber-attachment if you will.

Having said that, there is one thing missing… and that is a way to hide certain playlists from prying eyes.

What am I talking about? Well, there needs to be something within iTunes that would allow the user to place a password on certain playlists so they can’t be seen by others who may borrow or look at your iPod… like wives, brothers, sisters-in-law, brothers-in-law, etc.

Why am I brining this up?

Two words… Debbie Gibson.

I have a playlist on my iPod called ‘Guilty Pleasures’ (I know, I know, maybe I just need to change the title to something less conspicuous… and less feminine, but at the time I thought it was an ok title)

You may be asking yourself (and if you aren’t, what’s wrong with you? Get involved!) ‘Kemp, what kind of songs do you have on the Guilty Pleasures playlist… something embarrassing?’

Perhaps… but let me answer that question by first asking all of you dear, dear people who are taking the time out of your busy day to read my blog…

Don’t we all have songs on our iPod that would be cause for embarrassment should other people find them?

You know what I’m talking about. A Mariah Carey here [cringe], a Tiffany there [double cringe]… a Britney Spears here [retch], a Celine Dion there [double cringe with a retch twist]

A few weeks ago I wrote a post where I said I was going to download EVERY CD I own onto my iPod… even my Debbie Gibson CD from 1986.

I got a little… no… make that a LOT of flack for that revelation.

But it’s hardly the most embarrassing thing I have now downloaded onto my iPod.

Within this guilty pleasures playlist I have songs and artists such as…

• “I Think I Love You” by The Partridge Family
• “Dancing Queen” by Abba
• “Thank You for Being a Friend” by Andrew Gold
• “Arthur’s Theme” by Christopher Cross
• “Twist of Fate” & “Physical” by Olivia-Newton John
• “The Time Warp” from The Rocky Horror Picture Show
• “These Boots are Made for Walking” by Jessica Simpson (though in my defense I also have the original by Nancy Sinatra)
• “They Don’t Know” by Tracy Ullman
• “One Night in Bangkok” by Murray Head (USELESS TRIVIA ALERT! Murray Head is the brother of former ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ co-star, Anthony Stewart Head)

And various other songs from such forgettable acts as Bay City Rollers, Roxette, Taco, Styx, Journey, Falco, Dexy’s Midnight Runners and, of course, the aforementioned Debbie Gibson…

There isn’t anything wrong with that is there?

I think Apple needs to create a software update that would allow the user to place passwords on certain playlists. That way the user can be safe from the potential embarrassment that would occur once someone sees a song like; 'Queen of Hearts' by Juice Newton.

Now it’s YOUR turn dear readers… what songs do YOU have in your musical repertoire that you are a tad embarrassed by?

A new meme? No, just another list...

While traipsing through the information superhighway (or, if you prefer, the ‘internets’) the other night, I decided to type something into Google to see what popped up.

What I found would shock and amaze you, and make you squirm…

I’m kidding.

I did find a handy little list that made me laugh (and we all know how much I love lists).

I’ve added my own listings to the list, changed some of the other istings in the list in order to better reflect myself and my coffee habit… No, make that my coffee inclination… That doesn’t work, how about my coffee tendency… no I have it...

My coffee dependency.

I thought about making this a meme, but decided better of it. (Best friend Scott, ChildsPlay X 2, MetroDad, Mr. Big Dubya, Becky and Sarah should all be breathing a huge sigh of relief.)

So here it is.

You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When…

• You answer the door before people knock.
• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. (El burro Kemp… just doesn’t sound right, does it?)
• You ski uphill. (Impressive in itself, even more so if you consider that I don’t even know how to ski… at least not well)
• By the end of the workday you sound like Teddy Ruxpin hooked up to a car battery.
• By the end of the night you start to flutter around your house like a hummingbird.
• Sleep? Who needs sleep? You get plenty of sleep when you’re dead.
• When you sleepwalk, you speed-sleepwalk.
• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• You lick your coffeepot clean.
• You tell people you’re ‘Chock Full o Nuts’
• Every vacation you have to visit ‘Blue Mountain.’ Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
• You're been named employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
• Even when you sleep, your eyes stay open.
• You're so jittery that your hands can be used to blend margaritas.
• You take cocaine as a downer.
• You buy coffee filters by the gross
• You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. Now, you just drink it straight from the carafe.
• You go to ‘group’ meetings just for the free coffee.
• You've built a miniature city and miniature people out of little plastic stirrers… and you’re their King.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• You're so wired; you can pick up satellite radio.
• People can recharge their car batteries in your ears.
• Instant coffee takes too damn long.
• When someone says. “How are you?” you respond, “Good to the last drop.”
• Your slogan is ‘Coffee is hot and delicious. As am I.’
• You want to be cremated so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
• Your birthday is a national holiday in Columbia, Sumatra, Jamaica, and Hawaii.
• Rather than pictures of your kids on your coffee mug and mouse pad at work, you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug and mouse pad.
• You name your dogs “Sumatra” and “Kona.”
• You keep pictures of your coffeemaker in your wallet.
• You don't tan… you roast.
• Your three favorite things in life are...coffee, coffee and more coffee.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
• You introduce your spouse as your ‘coffeemate.’

Have one of your own? Throw me a bone and leave a comment and tell me what it is.

Follow-Up to yesterday's post

Let me first say thank you to everyone who left a comment or sent me an email regarding yesterday’s post about my father-in-law’s surgery. My wife and I, and our family, thank you.

The surgery was a success as the surgeons were able to remove the entire cancerous esophagus and reconstruct it using his stomach, which is now located in his mid-section rather than his belly.

Rather than take the four/five hours they had originally said, it ended up taking a little under 10 hours due to some scar tissue left over from a previous surgery about 10 years ago. Because of that, the surgeons had to crack him open rather than do the less-invasive surgery and that is being cited as the primary reason the surgery took longer than originally planned.

He is in pain, but they have him hooked up to a pain machine so he can get morphine at the push of a button.

Again, everyone in my family would like to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

I will be funny (such as it is) again tomorrow. I promise.

A Simple Request...

Simple post today asking for everyone to keep someone in their thoughts and prayers.

Today, Tuesday, my father-in-law is having MAJOR surgery at the University of Chicago Hospital (also where my twins, The Peanut Butter & The Jelly, were born and lived for 2 weeks) The surgery he is having is an esophagectomy/esophagogastrectomy (exactly which one depends on what they find when they start) It’s less invasive than the previous procedures, but still dangerous. It involves the removal of his esophagus and then having his stomach stretched to replace it.

To give you a little background, about 1-½ months ago, he was diagnosed with cancer of the esophagus and Barrett's Syndrome after suffering from severe acid reflux for decades.

He will be in Intensive Care for 3 days, followed by 8 days in the hospital and then an 8-week convalescence at home with a liquid-only diet for a month. The doctors have told him he will lose, at the minimum, 50 pounds.

My wife is the 2nd oldest of 5 daughters. She, sister # 4, and their mother are playing the waiting game in the hospital’s OR waiting-room anxiously and nervously waiting for the 3+ hour surgery to be complete. Sister # 3 is sitting at home with sister # 5 who is mentally and developmentally disabled and in a wheelchair. The two son-in-laws, myself and sister #2’s husband, are going to be at work, trying to imagine what the 6 of them are going through and doing what we can to ensure things run smoothly in his absence.

While at times I may complain about my in-laws, I do love them, and it is hard to see them all going through this.

So… what’s the reason behind this, wandering, poorly-written, post?

Besides to vent, is I believe that the more prayers the better, so I ask all of you to please pray for a successful & error-free surgery and a quick recovery.

Happy Birthday Dr. King

When I was in college working on my undergraduate degree I wrote a critical analysis of Dr Martin Luther King’s ‘I Have a Dream’ speech for a Psychology of Speech class. (I also did a critical analysis of Aristotle’s Rules of Rhetoric… Best. Paper. Ever.)

You can see the text of Dr. King’s glorious speech here, posted on my other blog.

Sure, I looked at other speeches; Winston Churchill’s ‘Iron Curtain’, John F. Kennedy’s “Inaugural Address”, Ronald Reagan's "Shuttle Challenger Disaster Address", Abraham Lincoln’s "Gettysburg Address", and so on and so forth.

Why did I pick this speech? Because I believe that it is, arguably, the best speech ever given… at the least, one of the best speeches ever given. Pathos, logos and ethos are all well established and used in his speech. But… I’m veering off the subject of this post.

You might me asking, Kemp… why are you bringing something up that happened almost 11 years ago? Yesterday, January 15th was Dr. King’s birthday. Happy Birthday Dr. King.

Today our country honors that man.

On a vacation to Memphis, TN one year, my wife and I went to the National Civil Rights Museum. We walked through the museum and saw the infamous hotel and hotel room that the good Reverend was staying in. We walked away from there with more knowledge than when we walked in and with amazement.

We also walked away very, very humbled.

While I know that many changes and many strides have been made since Dr. King made that stirring speech on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial on August 28, 1963, I am also mindful of the fact that we as a nation, and as a society, have much further to go.

I ask all of you reading this blog to take a moment today and think about the man and his dreams.

We salute you Dr. King. Your memory, your life, and your dream will never die.

National De-Lurking Week

It’s not a national holiday (yet), but it is an important holiday. My good blogging buddies ChildsPlay X 2, MetroDad, Mr. Big Dubya, Becky, and the crew over at DadCentric (among others) have posted about this on their respective blogs, so I thought I should follow suit.

This was started by Sheryl (or Cheryl – I have seen her name spelled both ways on a few different sites this week - but her site has it with an ‘s’, so I’m gonna have to go with that one as I would think she knows how to spell her own name) as a way to entice (or lure, or attract, or tempt, or inveigle or draw) people who are loyal visitors and readers, intermittent visitors, newbies, trolls, antagonists, really, everyone to come out from behind the fence and leave a comment on the blogs that they visit.

I’ve noticed over the last few weeks that my traffic has steadily been increasing… I attribute that to a couple of factors; being linked from other blogs (thanks everyone for the linkage) and, I believe, word of mouth. While my numbers may not match those of a few of the other blogs you read, my numbers are going up and I want to give all of you a great, big THANK YOU.

Now back to the task at hand. National De-Lurking Week.

As I stated above, National De-Lurking Week was started by Sheryl and is meant as a time for all of you that read our blogs but don’t comment to take the bull by the horns and leave us a comment. Tell me (and the other readers) a little about yourself, or where you hail from, or why you’re reading my blog, or what you think of the post specifically or the blog in general. It doesn’t matter, just comment. If you want to leave a comment on the state of affairs in The Federated States of Micronesia, then do it. If you would prefer to leave a comment about the current weather in Belize, then do it… it’s your choice. You don't need to have a reason to leave a comment, just leave a comment.

In fact, just for leaving a comment, (and this I am lifting directly from Matthew over at Childs Play… so thanks Matthew!) you can advertise on your blog (if you have one… who am I kidding, everyone has a blog) that you celebrated National De-Lurking Week here at Kemp’s Blog.

Or take my button... and post it to your blog.

Thanks... and enjoy.

Uh-oh...

First it hit my youngest (which is almost a moot point when talking about identical twins born within the same 60 seconds), the Jelly first, then it hit me, then my wife. We can only hope that the Peanut Butter is spared.

What am I talking about?

Stomach flu. The 24 -(give or take an extra hour or two) hour variety.

I'll be back tomorrow... I hope...

To prevent you from having withdrawals from my writing's and teaching's, read this classic post from August 27th... I laughed, I cried, it became a part of me.

My twins are getting bigger every day, and older. And as they are growing older, they can now speak in complex (for a three-year old anyway) sentences. This has given them new ways of communicating with me and with each other (though the latter was never a problem – gotta love twin language). It's interesting to hear the thoughts running through their heads that were previously unknown to us. Now, instead of just bouncing around in their head, they say it…and sometimes, what they say can be an absolute doozy. The other day, while my wife, the girls and I were in the SUV (I know, but at least it’s not a minivan), one of them said, out of the blue: ‘daddy laid a big turd.’

Ooookayyyy. Where that came from, I have no idea, but there it was…out in the open.

(Now, some of you may be asking where a three-year old learned the word ‘turd’ from. That, sad to say, is my fault. During potty training one day, after one of them had successfully ‘gone potty’ in the toilet, I told her she had laid a big turd. Before I could stop myself from saying the word – they had it memorized and it has been in both of their lexicons ever since. They never remember the words you want them to remember, but they certainly do remember the ones you don’t want them to hear, much less remember, instantaneously.)

The other day, while I was busy getting ready for work and trying to help my wife get them ready for daycare, I told one of them to please hurry up because we have to leave soon. One of them responded by saying: "Drink your coffee, daddy."

It escaped me at that time, but I then realized that I had just been ‘sassed’ and put in my place…by a three year old.

Ouch.

I’ve always been a bit of a smart-ass (people who know me that read this column are saying to themselves: A BIT???), and my wife had really been hoping that our daughters would not inherit that trait from me.

Evidently, no such luck.

They are well on their way to becoming ‘world-class smart-asses’ like their father.

Better that than a Republican.

So you say you want a resolution...

Resolutions…

It’s an evil word, isn’t’ it?

As I’ve been hopping around reading other people’s blogs since January 1st, I’ve noticed that a lot of bloggers have been posting their resolutions for the new year…

Never one to pass up a chance to be a lemming and ‘borrow’ from other blogger’s blogs, I’ve decided to do it as well. We will ignore the fact that research has told us that the majority of people fail miserably with their resolutions, with most people even making the same resolution year after year after year… not me. I blow off new resolutions every year, none of this repetitiveness for me.

So where do I start? I have absolutely no idea.

…

…

Well, uh… let’s see… resolutions… um…

…

…

I got it!! (Don’t give it to anyone else {rimshot}) Mine will be part funny & part humorous, part serious and part satirical.

I now present to you, my dear readers, a list of my “Resolutions in honor of the New Year of 2006.”

• A no brainer, one that is usually on everyone’s list; lose weight. Not jut for myself, but for my wife, my daughters, and my family. I want to stick around on this planet for a very long time, and in order to do that, I need to lose some weight. It won’t be easy, and it won’t be quick, but dagnabit, I’ll get it done…
• Be a better husband & father. (And for today only, I’ll throw in being a better friend as an extra bonus. Act now to take advantage of this exciting and limited time offer!) Everyone can be better at what they do, and everyone can work to make that happen. It’s just a matter of doing it and following through. As MetroDad himself stated via DadCentric “Shouldn't we all be doing these things on a daily basis? Aren't they all part of the human experience?” Well, sure, but who has the time??
• I resolve to be a better dresser. After Christmas, I now have two pairs of blue jeans (as opposed to the 142 pairs my daughters have… each). I have to dress-up for work (dress shirt & tie, occasional suit), so I need to buy some new dress shirts. Various colors. They way I look now, I have mostly white… hell, I look like an Old Republican at a Young Republican rally (not that there’s anything wrong with that… who am I kidding, yes there is) who isn’t that young… nor Republican. And apparently I need a pink shirt, since that is the ‘new, hip’ color.
• I resolve to work harder at making my dreams and my wife’s dreams come true.
• I agree with MetroDad when he says his daughter has way too many toys. So do my two. Our toy room (which used to be our enclosed sun-porch) looks like a daycare center. Therefore, I resolve to not allow people (or my wife and I) to buy them any more toys. Unless someone out there wants to buy me— (sorry I meant them) a new X-Box 360… 3 ½ years old isn’t too young for one of those, right?
• I resolve to go to (and take my daughters, and, if she wants, my wife) to a St. Louis Cardinals baseball game in the “new” Busch Stadium. I took them to one last year so they could proudly proclaim that they attended a game at “Old” Busch Stadium. Also, I resolve to take them to their first Cardinals-Cubs game at Wrigley Field. One is never too young to get sprayed with beer and hear the assorted swear words one hears at a Cardinal-Cub game.
• Keeping with the sports theme, I resolve to take my daughters to their first Rams football game next season. Hell, they could be on the sidelines with me since I know that I have to be a prospect as the new head coach… everyone else is so why not me?
• I resolve to not be reading 3 or 4 books all at the same time. One at a time, like a normal person.
• I resolve to stop annoying my blogging friends with games and memes… yeah, like that’s gonna happen.
• I resolve to become a better player at Halo, Star Wars Battlefront 2 and Call of Duty. It may take hours and hours of game play but, damn-it, I’ll make that sacrifice and get it done!
• I resolve to download every CD I have to my new 60 GB iPod. Even the ones I’ve had since I was 12 or 13 and haven't listened to in 20 years… like Debbie (excuse me, it’s now Deb-or-ah) Gibson… (Don’t ask, I was a "pre-teen", she was hot, and my hormones were a-raging!) Why all of them? Because you never know when you may have to ‘rock-out’ to “Only in My Dreams”... ok, now I'm REALLY starting to worry about myself...
• I resolve to stop doing lists on my blogs. Not much chance of that, is there?
• I resolve to try and do a better job of keeping up my number 3 blog.

That’s about all I can think of for now.

How about you, what do you resolve to do this year? Leave me a comment and let me know.

And I thought about tagging a few of my fellow bloggers with this monumental task, but seeing as how I am already being villfied by MetroDad and Mr Big Dubya for tagging them earlier, I decided against it.

Back on the job

I… am… back.

As I stated on Friday, I took some time off from blogging during the Christmas holiday.

And since the holiday has now passed, I can now share with all of you the secret my wife and I had been planning for the last month and a half…

I couldn’t tell you before because quite a few members of my family read my blogs and I didn’t wanna be the one to let the proverbial cat out of the proverbial bag.

Since my wife and I got married all those years ago (it will be 9 years April 5th), we have alternated holidays with each other’s families.

For example: We spend Thanksgiving with her family, Christmas with mine. The next year would be Thanksgiving with mine, Christmas with hers. Simple, democratic and stress reducing.

This year, we toyed with the idea of not going down to see my family until after Christmas because we wanted the girls (or as I now call them, the Peanut Butter and the Jelly… to understand these nicknames, you have to know they like this link and the song that goes along with it) to have Christmas morning at home since they are of the age where they are starting to grasp the concept. (The presents concept, not the religious concept yet)

Mid-November comes. My wife gets home from picking up the PB&J, and, after talking to her Mom, declared that we should still go down to my family’s house for Christmas Eve/Christmas morning (BTW, on Christmas Eve, my Dad's side of my family has a big get-together. I blogged about it here)

It seems my mother-in-law thought as I did, that it doesn’t necessarily matter where the kids are when Santa comes, just as long as he comes with the presents.

We then decided to surprise my family and continue telling them that we weren’t coming into town until either Sunday evening or Monday morning.

So a month and a half goes by… I talk to my parents periodically having this knowledge, and I have to work to NOT tell them… or anyone else for that matter.

BTW, we also decided that Santa would visit our house Friday night and leave the girls’ toys (including their new “car”) for them to open up/see on Saturday morning. For those of you who are wondering, there were no meltdowns for the fact we only got one battery-operated ride-on. The two of them shared it that morning in a style I had never seen from them before... I was proud.

One thing that helped with the subterfuge was the fact my family knew we had, on Friday night, a wedding for one of my wife’s cousins with whom she is close to. (She got married in a beautiful, candle-lit Catholic mass that was followed by a ‘kickin’ reception with an open bar) We got home from that around midnight, relieved (and paid) the babysitter, and got all the presents from upstairs and put them under the tree.

Aside: I was awake Saturday morning at 8:00. I got some coffee, the paper and sat in bed reading the newspaper, drinking my coffee and listening to NPR. The Peanut Butter woke up first, walked into the hallway, looked and smiled at me, started walking towards our bedroom, stopped, turned around and saw the presents under the tree and immediately shouted: "Santa came!" and proceeded to wake up her sister. Absolute perfection.)

Cut to Saturday afternoon: we packed up the Explorer full to the brim, put a DVD on for the girls to watch (hours and hours of A Christmas Story and A Wiggles Christmas… aaaahhhhh!!! ) and hit the open (and very wet) road after a quick stop at my in-laws to drop off some Christmas cookies.

We finally leave around 3:00.

(Aside: My brother, whom we told earlier in December in order to have someone ‘on the inside,’ called once at 10:00 am, again at 2:00 pm, again at 4:30 pm, and yet again at 6:00 pm because he wanted to know when we were going to get there so he could tape the whole thing for a documentary he and I are working on about traditions and marketing)

We arrive in Edwardsville at 6:45 (not bad, 250 miles in 3 hours, 45 minutes, which included a 30-minute pottybreak in Lincoln, IL)

We park a few houses down from my parents’ house and quietly (as quiet as one can be with 2 three-year olds in tow) walk down the sidewalk. It should also be noted that the spousal unit put Christmas hats on the PB&J (they look adorable), on herself (she looks cute) and me (I look like a department store Santa that was fired for driking on the job...) we walk up to the door, ring the doorbell and are expecting one of my parents to answer.

Instead, it’s one of my older cousins, a former Colonel in the Army (in the Defense Intelligence Agency…) meaning that he has seen it all, notices all, and allows nothing to faze him, so he says Merry Christmas and moves out of the way so we can come in…

(Aside: this got us worrying. This was so anticlimactic, we thought; ‘is everyone, including my parents, going to react in this manner… did we plan all this for naught?’)

Another cousin yells for my Mom to come into the entryway… she comes out of the kitchen, turns, sees us…

… and screams with joy (embracing all four of us in a hug so tight that one would not expect could come from a woman in her mid-60’s) while tears start to slowly stream down her face.

My Aunt Adele calls out to my Dad (who is busy showing off his new Corvette to the last few remaining people on the planet that had not yet seen it) in the garage.

He comes in, turns, sees us… and also screams (but in a much-more manly way. So I’ll rewrite that and say he ‘shouts with surprise’) and also gives us all a hug while tears start to slowly stream down his face (again, in a much more manly way)

After that, my wife and I look at each other and can safely say (unlike some people we all may know about) ‘mission accomplished.’

We even had the time to take a family picture; a complete family picture; safe for my cousin Mike, (who was sitting at home with his dog, which was dying with no vets available to put him to sleep) and my cousin David (who couldn’t get time off from work in Virginia)

I will post the picture at a later date.

My parents said that our surprising them was the best Christmas gift they could have gotten.

And after all… isn’t that what the season is all about?

A couple days off...

I am taking a few days off from blogging to spend with family and friends at home and away.

If you have to travel; please travel safe.

If you’re staying close to home; please stay safe.

I wish you and yours a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, a Merry Kwanzaa, a Happy Boxing Day, and an all-around, all-encompassing Happy Holidays!

See you all next week.

Kemp

Some Assembly Required…

*^(@&*)$(**(&^#&#$)!!!!!!!

What brought on this plethora of obscenities?

Putting together children’s toys.

For Christmas, my twin daughters have been asking anyone who will listen what they want for Christmas.

‘A corvette like Abuelo’s…’

(Flashback; ya see, a few months ago my Dad decided to purchase a C6 Corvette convertible for him and my mom to tool around in. Ever since my 'precocious' daughters saw it, they’ve wanted one… three years old and they want a corvette… three years old, sitting on Santa’s lap, they ask him for a corvette… btw, thanks Dad…)

So my wife and I decided to oblige them since they have been (relatively speaking for three-year olds) good this year. We decided on the xx electric ride-on corvette…

My wife and I immediately decided that we are not going to have 2 of those electric cars at the same time… and they will have to share. (So if you hear yelling and screaming Christmas morning coming from the Illinois area… you know why)

I get online (only suckers shop in stores anymore) and found it. Nice car. Equipped with a full-functioning FM radio and clock, flip-up headlights, working turn signals… looks like a nice ride. Ok, let me just scroll down and look at the price…

…

…

… Ok, my heart’s beating again… the list price was $499.00. Out of stock… good.

Ok, here’s a C-5 pink ‘vette… same design basically… only… $299.00. Ok, we’re getting lower, that’s a good thing…

Ah-ha!!!! Found something!!! A Disney Princess Solstice Roadster…
$199.00. They love Disney princesses (even though I am trying to teach them early that Disney is the Evil Empire); it (more or less… mostly less) looks like a corvette. We’ll get em that.

Flash forward three weeks, the car is in the basement, and since we have a wedding on Friday night and who knows what on Saturday night I decided to put it together last night Wednesday.

The girls are in bed sleeping… the dog is sleeping… the wife is paying bills… so I decided to tackle the job head-on…

I grab a glass of water, head down to the basement, turn on “The Simpsons” and go to work…

(Aside: Every single time I tell my Dad that I have to put a toy together for my daughters... he laughs. Not a chuckle, but a sinister, Emperor Palpatine-type laugh... what goes around comes around I guess)

Now… I am, quite frankly, a smart guy… not just book smarts, but street smarts and an uncanny ability to still use common sense, but obviously the U.S. government should put the people who make toy boxes in charge of airport security… because ain’t no one getting into this box. It has tape, it has big staples, it has little staples… it has everything but its own lockdown system and terror alert level.

After 45 minutes getting the box open and the contents of the box out, I go to work. First things first, check to make sure all the parts are here…

They’re not… son of a bit—, oh wait, yes they are.

All the pieces are here, including a Phillips-head screwdriver, and 2 wrenches… none of this ‘Allen wrench’ crap for us… no sirree…

It’s going well. I dispatch with the front and rear axels with ease. Easily put on the two front tires, and the windshield. I then turn my attention to the back of the car. Again, everything goes smoothly. Axels, tires, washers, screws…

Wow, it looks like a car.

I fix the battery, attach the battery to the motor, and now am ready for the final assemble… the car seats.

Tip the seats back, insert tabs into the slots, push seats up, line up with holes, insert and tighten screws… piece of cake right?

No. The easiest and (naturally) last part of the process is taking the longest. Like the Dad in A Christmas Story, I wove a “tapestry of obscenities” that will be hanging over Lake Michigan forever…

After 45 minutes of this, and with a lot of swearing and a little manipulation of plastic… I get the seats inserted. I screw-in the screws (???), open the hood, plug everything in… and it all works…

My wife will put a big-red bow (ya know, like those ‘realistic’ Lexus Christmas commercials) and the memory and pain of putting the car together will dissolve as soon as I see my daughter’s faces light up when they get first glimpse of the car on Christmas morning…

That, dear readers, makes it all worth it…