It’s getting worse...

My blogstipation is turning into a severe lack of posting-desire.

Any suggestions?

Ultra-quick Random Thoughts

• I’d like to thank everyone who expressed their well-wishes to me last week, I truly appreciated it. Thank you.
• Big thanks to Kara for making me laugh last week with this “special” post.
• I am the proud new owner of a Motorola Razr… talk about a sweet phone. The phone was free, and I’m getting a free Bluetooth wireless headset as a rebate as well.
• I took a picture with my new phone on Saturday. It was a picture from a store here in town of a Christmas display… on October 6th… Christmas hype starting in five… four… three…
• How many people visiting this blog would elect me President if I promised to pass a law making it illegal to start selling Christmas before Thanksgiving?
• Looking for a job sucks moose cock…
• I am suffering from a severe case of blogstipation. I can’t think of anything to write for any of my blogs. I haven’t started to panic yet, but just wait.

A Bad Week

For those of you asking why I haven’t been posting this week, I’ll let you know...

Last Saturday night, the husband of one of my cousins was killed in a car accident near St. Louis... a car accident that resulted in the deaths of five other people.

Add to that the news that another cousin (one who retired two years ago after 30 years in the army) is going back to Baghdad as a private contractor for one year.

And even more, it was a year ago yesterday that the daughter of another cousin was murdered (along with 3 others) and we received word this past week that the trial has been set for mid-November.

So needless to say, the past seven days have not been easy on my family and me, so I just wanted to let all of my faithful readers, and blogmigos, know where I’ve been.

I’ll be funny again next week, I promise...

Yep, we're that sophomoric...

Honey Mustard was reading a bedtime book about planets to The Peanut Butter & The Jelly tonight.

She turns the page and reads: "Can you find Uranus?

...

She and I burst out laughing... meanwhile the girls are looking at us like we're strange (which, of course, we are)... and we can't stop laughing...

Must be our juvenile sense of humor...

Sans cast

The six weeks is over...

The cast is off...

Things are returning back to normal at Casa de Gemelos as The Peanut Butter had her short cast removed yesterday (her long-cast was removed 2-weeks ago) and is now, cast-free.

Let me get a ‘whoo-hoo’ for The PB!

It Begins

I know it was inevitable, I just didn’t think it would be this soon.

Pop quiz; what do candy bars, popcorn, wrapping paper, books and pizzas all have in common?

You give up?

They’re all things that kids are forced asked to sell while they are in school.

You can see what’s coming next, right?

They’re only four (and ½) years old, but The Peanut Butter and The Jelly have already started a ritual that every student in the United States has to endure for years & years and years & years…

That’s right, The PB & The J are selling stuff for their school.

Four years old… in preschool… and they’re selling stuff.

Well, not them so much as Honey Mustard and I.

They are selling popcorn… and not just any popcorn my friend; “Gourmet” popcorn (which in layman’s terms means small amounts of “relatively expensive” popcorn) There’s no normal buttered corn here, no sirree bob… this popcorn has flavors like Macadamia Crunch, Chicago Style, Chocolate-drizzled Carmel Corn, White Cheddar cheesecorn, Cookies and Cream and Rainbow (green apple, cheery, peach and two other flavors that have NO right being anywhere near a kernel of corn)

The girls did a good job of asking people if they wanted to buy popcorn (as good as any four-year old could), but let’s face it – when kids are this young and are assigned to sell something, the schools are expecting the parents to do it.

I remember selling stuff in grade school, junior high and high school… but not preschool.

Candy bars that were small and pricey (never mind that you could get essentially the same thing in the story for half that amount), pizzas that tasted like ass, popcorn that never fully popped, tins of popcorn that had probably been sitting around since the Eisenhower administration, wrapping paper that was ugly and magazines that no-one ever wanted to read… ever…

The strangest thing I ever sold? Poinsettias. Not for a garden club or anything, but for the speech/debate team in my high school.

My questions to you, dear readers and blogmigos, what age do you remember starting in on this grand tradition and what was the strangest thing you remember selling?

Inquiring minds want to know...

They're Aaron Sorkin junkies...

Having been subjected to seeing every episode of "The West Wing" since... hell, since they were in the womb, it's no wonder that The Peanut Butter and The Jelly are big West Wing fans.

On Monday & Tuesday nights (my wife is at school those nights. BTW, cheer her on blogaudience as, after this semester, she has only two classes left towards her Master's Degree), when I ask the girls what they want to do- their response is usually the same: play legos and watch West Wing with Daddy.

(Truthfully - how many 4-year olds do you know who will ask for West Wing by name?)

So we'll play legos and watch one episode of West Wing (their favorite episode is "Privateers" from Season 4... probably because in one scene, Josh mentions Captain Feathersword) before I turn the TV off and read them one two three four books before it's bed time.

Now... it seems I've gotten them hooked on "Studio 60..."

I recorded the first episode last week because Honey Mustard and I weren't home, and when I watched it last Tuesday night, they sat on the couch next to me... somewhat mesmerized.

Because HoMu was at school last night, I taped it for her and me (I was watching the football game)

When I picked them up from school this afternoon, on the way to their grandma's, The PB asked: "Daddy, Sunstriptudi tonight?"

I can only assume that she was asking me if we were going to watch "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" tonight.

What can I say, my kids are Aaron Sorkin junkies.

Maybe I can use their love of all-things-Sorkin to get "Sports Night: The Complete Series" on DVD.

It's worth a shot...

Psst, hey... buddy...

Did you know that tomorrow is the First Anniversary of Scott and mine’s Poli-Blog – The BushWhacked Administration?

You didn’t?

Well… now you do.

What do we have planned?

We have a guest post by a friend of mine about her feeling’s towards former Texas Governor Ann Richards, a couple of reflective pieces by Scott and I, a wrap-up of the last 12 months and last, but certainly not least, a special post by everyone’s favorite Goon Squad leader; Sarah.

BTW; if any of you (wink, wink, nudge, nudge... I do mean any of you) want to write a guest post for TBWA, by all means, let me know at kempsblog@gmail.com… even if you’re a conservative (there must be a few out there who read my blog) we’ll post it as Scott and I both believe in practicing tolerance for those that disagree with us… no matter how wrong they may be.

So be sure to stop by TBWA tomorrow and say hi.

Only a matter of time...

Knowing that my daughters each have one at home, I'm waiting for the day when ALL the electronic Elmo dolls become self-aware, fight back and eventually rule the earth.

It's like Small Soldiers meets Maximum Overdrive meets Chucky; death, carnage, toys...

Think about it...

Doing a Solo

Yesterday, Honey Mustard, The Peanut Butter and The Jelly had a baby shower to attend at Noon...

Which means that I was home alone...

You read that right; home alone.

As in no kids.

As in no wife.

Not a single person... just some beer, some cheese, some chips, some football... and me.

It was like I had died and gone to guy-heaven, where it’s always football-season Sundays and you can eat all the cheese, chips and beer you want and not get fat.

It also gave me some perspective as I totally get Superman’s Fortress of Solitude now… he wasn’t going there to meditate; he was going to get away from saving the world every five minutes. He went there so he could watch some football, drink some beer, stick his hand in his tights and veg-out.

Don’t get me wrong though, I absolutely love my kids and my wife... but sometimes... a man just has to be alone in his Sunday-glory with no worries except the occasional fantasy football-related question such as: “Why didn’t I draft the Bears ‘defense?” Or “What the hell was I thinking in drafting Lamont Jordan?”

(Being alone watching football also allows one to scream obscenities at the television with impunity when you see that your Wide Receiver on the Lions can't catch a fuc**** pass to save his life even though he guaranteed a victory the previous week... but I digress.)

Solitude is a good thing... unless your Emily Dickinson of course, then I wouldn’t advise it.

'Cast'ing Call

It's been four weeks already.

Today is the day that The Peanut Butter gets her full-arm cast taken off and replaced by a half-arm cast, which she will wear for the final two weeks.

When Honey Mustard and I asked her what color she wanted, she responded with a hearty shout of "Orange!"

When we asked her why, she said; "Because orange is sissy's (The Jelly) favorite color..."

Cries of ‘Aaawwwww... isn't that precious,’ in five... four... three... two...

Random Thoughts for a Wednesday Afternoon

Writer’s Block... again... and I can’t think of a damn thing to write, and when I do… it makes no sense whatsoever.

While that would qualify me to be a member of “President” Bush’s speechwriting staff, it’s not good enough for my loyal reader.

But I can still spew-out vapid, random thoughts… so here ya go.

• Hmmm… what do I care less about? Brittany’s second baby… or results from "Dancing with the Stars"? Damn, that's a toughie...
• From the people who brought us the picture of the python that exploded after eating an alligator, comes a python stuck in the road after eating a pregnant sheep… yes, you read that right, a pregnant sheep… click HERE for the picture goodness…
• This week’s Give me a fuc**** break award goes to Florida Circuit Judge Susan Roberts for warning the mother of two murder victims to NOT cry on the stand. Whether it makes legal sense or not, and personally I’ve never heard of this before, it’s cold and shows an obscene lack of empathy.
• Google is celebrating banned books this month (do not get me started on censorship!) and, being one who firmly believes in the First Amendment and have read most of these, I wanted to link the site. Check it out, some of them will make you scratch your head and wonder; ‘Why the hell would someone want to ban this book?’
• Want to post your own message on a McDonald’s sign? Try this LINK.
• What a cheap-ass stunt (pun intended…)
• Fark Headline of the day: “Triple amputee arrested for assaulting wife. Even though he was unarmed, state attorney says he hasn't leg to stand on with self-defense claims.”
• No fair… my iPod only has 60 GB…
• El Niño is back… mwahhh hah hah hah hah hah hah hah…
• Search flashback. These things brought people to my corner of the blogosphere recently: “Kids electric vehicles corvette”, “menards marion il” (second time in as many months), “edmund fitzgerald stream”, “EIU Pemberton mary Hawkins”, “PMS-irritable moods”, “magic kingdom trip parade”, “kemp high school squad”, “Donte Stallworth parents”
• Today’s phrase written only as a blatant attempt to attract readers (which I’m “borrowing” from Sarah): doodlebops without makeup
• This weeks wanton Blog Plug: Back to Me

All I got... have fun with 'em...

Do you feel a 'Draft'?

The Blog Pound Draft is done… after 3 ½ hours, we all had our teams… we all had trash-talked… and (most) had drank…

The players on the draft, done online AND over the phone, were BIYF, Bump, Child’s Play x 2, CroutonBoy, Genuine, Me, Marginally Clever, MetroDad, More Diapers, Queen of Spain & The Kaiser

I liked having it both ways, but at times I was listening to the phone conversation and missed an online mention of QoS’s boobs, but I did hear everyone at one time make fun of Jeff George (BTW, I met him once while he was still a “student” at Illinois and I can tell you this – he is as big a dick as you’ve heard)

By all accounts… I have a pretty good team (Name: The BushWhackers)

The strange thing is… I didn’t draft one St. Louis Ram…

I didn’t get the exact team I wanted as I did lose out on some of my preferred players. For example, everyone’s favorite ‘Goon-squad leader’ Sarah, drafted one ahead of me and took Cadillac Williams before I could… and Carson Palmer before I could… and Aaron Brooks…and Reggie Bush… wait a minute… she has my team…

Anyhow… I’m still optimistic about my final team. In case you want to know, here’s my team and “expert” analysis, let me know if you agree… if you don’t… meh.

• Matt Hasselbeck, QB - Underrated with minimal risk of interceptions
• Jon Kitna, QB - Good back-up as he now has offensive guru Mike Martz as his O-coordinator
• Frank Gore, RB - Should come into his own this season
• LaMont Jordan,RB - Ditto, but with a better ‘O’ line… and the possibility of Jeff George
• LenDale White, RB - Only a matter of time until he’s starting in Tennessee, with a small, ‘but’…
• Travis Henry, RB - Ditto, but with a much-larger ‘but’…
• Duce Staley, RB - Will replace ‘The Bus’ on certain downs and should be an okay back-up
• Donte' Stallworth, WR- Could be a breakout year as he now has a QB and his QB now has a target
• Roy Williams, WR - Should benefit from the high-flying attack of Martz
• Michael Clayton, WR - One of Simms’ favorite targets
• Peerless Price, WR - Always a good back-up
• Ben Watson, TE - Could put up WR numbers this year… plus Brady loves him like Bridget Monyhan…well, maybe not quite the same way…
• Jay Feely, K - Meh… he’s a kicker
• Panthers D - Strong…
• Cowboys D - On the upswing, and should fill-in nicely on Carolina’s bye week

The first game is still a week away (The Kaiser), so it should be an interesting season.

Go BushWhackers!

To separate or not to separate; that is the question

Go ahead, research it… talk to other parent’s of twins… read the book…

You’ll find the same opinions Honey Mustard and I did… opinions that are split down the middle of which of the two options is better.

I’m speaking of separating twins in school.

I bring this up because a few people have asked if the decision to separate The Peanut Butter & The Jelly in school was HoMu’s and mine. They also wanted to know how we came to arrive at that decision.

It was a mutual decision, and it was ours solely.

After talking to other parents and researching, it was the behavior of our children that prompted us to divide and conquer and split them up.

The reason?

The J tends to speak for, and over, The PB, so we decided that having them in different classes would benefit both of them… and after three days – it has. The PB is speaking more and getting involved in class, as is The J.

The school district here (the one where I was almost chosen to be on the school board), does not have a strict policy regarding twins in the classroom and leave that decision to the parents.

I’m not going to say this it the best option for everyone and would suggest you do your own research and talk to other parents (and I can almost guarantee that the opinions you get will be the same as my wife and I encountered, split right down the middle)

My best advice on this decision, and please remember this is only my opinion - I’m not an expert, is that you gauge your children’s attitudes and behavior and use that as the barometer for making the decision.

Will their separation be the way it is for their entire school careers? Doubtful, but it’s hard to tell at this moment, but for now, it’s working out very well.

But stay tuned…

'I don't remember growing older, when did they?'

Today was the second day of school for The Peanut Butter and The Jelly… and their first day riding the school bus, and since Honey Mustard had an early-morning meeting, I was in charge of getting them onto said bus.

If you read yesterday’s post, I didn’t cry when they went for their first day of school, (HoMu did) though I did wax poetically.

I cannot say the same thing for this morning...

I’m not even sure why I cried… but when they both stepped onto the bus steps, turned to me and said “Bye Daddy, we love you,” well... that was the ball game... it was as if the universe imploded and…… I snapped.

I broke down and cried like Adam Morrison (well, okay, maybe not that badly… but I did cry, and I'm not ashamed to admit it... though I will be checking out pictures of naked women immediately after posting this...)

If I'm like this now... what the hell am I going to be like when they start dating?? Will I have to be locked-up like Hannibal Lecter when the boys come-a-callin'?

Sigh...

It continues...

(Note: This is the fourth attempt at posting this entry... to which I say: "Blogger sucks it!!")

'Was this the little girl(s) I carried?'

It’s done…

The Peanut Butter & The Jelly have officially started their first day of school… book-bags and all.

Were there tears?

Yes...

... and no.

No tears from them...

Me? Well, sort of (trying to maintain my ‘masculine’ image here... give me some slack...)

Honey Mustard? Yes... though that could have had more to do with the fact that they didn’t cry when we dropped them off at their respective rooms, essentially telling us (in my wife’s eyes anyway) that they don’t need us anymore. “Mom? Dad? Who’s that? I don’t have time for them now, I’ve got paste to eat…” (Note: My kids have never eaten paste… at least not yet… but give ‘em time, I’m sure they will now that they are surrounded by kids that do/may)

Sigh...

Am I making too much of this?

I know, in reality, that it’s a good thing that they are starting school... but... damn, it sure did go by fast. It seems like only yesterday that they were born... and only yesterday that they started to walk... and only yesterday that they started to talk...

Now they’re in a pre-school program for five mornings a week... next year is Kindergarten... then first grade...

Son of a bit**...

It only goes downhill from here, right? Next thing I’ll know they’ll be freshmen in high school (like my oldest nephew who was 2 years old when HoMu and I started dating; now he’s a freshman), then college, then marriage, then kids, and then... and then... breathe... breathe... in with the good air, out with the bad... aaaaahhhhhhh...

It's only just begun...

(Note: Granted, their first day of school did allow me to take my mind off more pressing things in the world (hurricanes, IranIraqNorthKorea, politics… and my fantasy football draft on Wednesday night – you guys are going down!!! –

Happy Anniversary

Well, well, well... it’s been a year...

That’s right, you heard me (sorry Sarah), my blog is one-year old today.

Yes, today, August 24, 2006 - Kemp’s Blog turns one...

When I started this little venture, I had in mind that I would post stories about my twins (The Peanut Butter and The Jelly) or my wife (Honey Mustard) or myself (Da man!)... but it’s become so much more than that.

I’ve garnered a few steady readers... I've gotten into some verbal skirmishes... I've postulated... I’ve ruminated... and I’ve made more than a few f r i e n d s (Sorry, there aren’t enough letters in the word to link all of my blog-migos... and yes, in my opinion it is possible to be friends with someone even if you’ve never met)

I came into bloging ass-backwards.

A friend of my wife’s, also in the Twins Club here, sent me an email with a link to a Multi-Dad Forum on About.com

I checked it out, signed up and started reading and posting... then I noticed a section entitled ‘Father’s Blogs’

Having taught computers and marketing (separately), I knew about blogs and their ability to create new communities and relay business information, but I never gave them much thought…

I read some of them, and I was hooked.

It was at that moment that time contracted... space exploded...

I knew that I had to create my own blog...

A place where I could wax poetic about being a father of twins and being a stay-at-home-dad for 18 months of un-employment (which, sadly, could be happening again… but that’s a post for another day)

I’ve always been a creative person... I’ve acted... I’ve been on speech and debate teams (in fact, at my community college and then at my university I was on a Speech scholarship... I was that good if I do say so myself)... I’ve ghost-written speeches for people... I’ve written poetry (and even had one published)

I’m a creative type... and, according to my wife, my creativity needed an outlet that wasn’t being quenched by my avid reading, my crossword puzzles, my videogames, my job or my teaching. So she strongly supported and suggested I start a blog.

So I did.

The rest, as they say, is history.

Having just gone through the Hell of posting my Top 100 Albums, I am NOT going to post my Top posts… but rather, I’ll throw a few links out there to some from the list on the right; a few posts that I am especially proud of.

HERE...

HERE...

And HERE...

And hang on, next month, my poli-blog: The “Bush”-Whacked Administration, turns one... now if only I can get Scott back to the land of blogs...

Random Thoughts for a Wednesday Afternoon

• Do alligator attacks signal some sort of a reptile dysfunction?
• Who knew that the Dutch had F-16’s???
• Hell… who knew that they had an Air Force…
• Sadly… I don’t think I am going to be able to be in the much-anticipated Fantasy Football league with many of my blogmigos… with my unfortunate, up-in-the-air job situation (crap shoot from one day to the next if I still have a job at the end of that day), I can’t really afford to do it now… I am very bummed and more than a little depressed (about everything really) that I can’t… sorry guys
• THIS is more than a little unsettling… and odd… a graphic adaptation (read: comic book) of the 9/11 attacks??
• This blog turns one year old tomorrow… who-da thunk it?
• Who knew that cows have regional accents? Furthermore… who the hell really cares if cows have regional accents?
• A new study shows that Milwaukee, Wisconsin is the “hardest-drinking city in America”. Insert your own, 'Well what else is there to do in Wisconsin?' joke here...
• Available: One relief pitcher. Has blown 9 saves this season and consistently gives fans of his baseball team heart attacks whenever he pitches. If interested, see St. Louis Cardinals General Manager Walt Jocketty.
• This is definitely one of the strangest headlines I’ve seen in awhile; Osama bin Laden might be sweet on Whitney Houston…. Eeeeeewwwww…
• Am I the only one laughing their ass off at Tom Cruise being dumped by Paramount?
• After reading THIS STORY from the St. Louis Post Dispatch, methinks the FBI is a tad on edge…
• This week’s gratuitous blog-plug of the week comes from another of my Daily Kos acquaintances: Current Dirt
• Here’s a list of searches (and snarky comments) that have brought people to my little corner of the blogosphere… sadly, none arrived via my last gratuitous phrase of ‘salma hayek naked’. “wilco mermaid avenue download”, “how did you feed your twins at the same time”, “Fema/Putz” (I assume they were looking for info on Michael Brown), “arturo sandoval download”, “Diamonds and Buttermilk”, “blog father of twins”, “ronald reagan challenger speech critical analysis”, “scout aims rifle in to kill a mockingbird”, “aston kutcher twin” (Jesus, isn’t that a scary freakin’ thought?), “you never know who you might meet, a movie star or maybe even an indian chief” (at the car wash, whoa whoa)
• This week’s gratuitous phrase used in a pathetic attempt to draw people to my site is: “carnivorous wasps”
• Today’s Mental iPod Song of the Day is… what the hell? Oh my… son of a bitc— I want these motherfuc**** snakes out of my motherfuc**** iPod... Sorry, today’s song is “The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight” by REM

This here is the place where I will be staying.
There isn't a number. You can call the pay phone.
Let it ring a long, long, long, long time.
If I don't pick up, hang up, call back, let it ring some more.
If I don't pick up, pick up...
The sidewinder sleeps, sleeps, sleeps in a coil

Call me when you try to wake her up.
Call me when you try to wake her.

There are scratches all around the coin slot
Like a heartbeat, baby trying to wake up,
But this machine can only swallow money.
You can't lay a patch by computer design.
It's just a lot of stupid, stupid signs.

Tell her,
Tell her she can kiss my ass,
And laugh and say that you were only kidding.
That way she'll know that it's really, really, really, really me.

Call me when you try to wake her up.
Call me when you try to wake her.
Baby, instant soup doesn't really grab me.
Today I need something more sub-sub-sub-substantial.
A can of beans or black-eyed peas Some Nescafe and ice,
A candy bar, a falling star,
Or a reading from Doctor Seuss;

Call me when you try to wake her up.
Call me when you try to wake her.

The cat in the hat came back,
Wrecked a lot of havoc on the way,
Always had a smile and a reason to pretend.
But their world has flat backgrounds
And little need to sleep but to dream.
The sidewinder sleeps on his back.

Call me when you try to wake her up.
Call me when you try to wake her.
I can always sleep standing up

We've got to moogie, moogie, move on this one.

It starts...

The Peanut Butter and The Jelly start school next week...

Every morning they will get up, eat breakfast, get dressed and go off to a half-day of school, five days a week....

It’s not possible, is it?

It’s not possible that these two, my little princesses, are going to be going to school already...

It's just not possible... is it?

...

Sigh… it is.

I think I'm still in denial that my precious little girls are already at that age...

...

... where does the time go?

A Man and His Lawn

I have a confession to make...

I love doing yard work...

I love mowing my lawn... love it, love it, love it...

I always have. I developed my love and talent of maintaining a perfect lawn under the tutelage of my Dad.

That’s one of the reasons I have (one of) the nicest lawn on the block…

Does that make me a freak?

Before you answer, let me tell you this little story and then you can make up your mind.

Saturday, with The Peanut Butter having a broken arm, we were limited in what we could do (no water park, no splash pad, no park)

So since we had a battle-plan for late afternoon (after they took their nap) I decided to mow the lawn.

Not just mow the grass mind you – this was going to be lawn maintenance to the extreme… mow, edge, trim, prune, rake, water, – the whole nine yards.

This is where the freaky part of the story comes in... I enjoyed it and had a lot of fun doing it.

I plugged in my iPod, started my ‘Lawn’ playlist (yes, I have a lawn playlist) and went to work.

I trimmed.

I edged.

I pruned.

I mowed.

I raked.

I blew (the excess grass and such, get your minds out of the gutter people)

I watered.

And then, four and a half hours later, I was done... and the lawn was perfect. (I had a picture, but Blogger bites it and isn’t letting me put it up... the bastards…)

The girls were playing and Honey Mustard was doing laundry and some reading for her next two Master’s classes.

So I made myself a Shandy, opened our patio umbrella... and sat back and had a rush of pride and accomplishment sweep over me as I marveled at my work...

And then something hit me… I was taking pleasure in seeing the finished lawn... some serious pleasure...

Why?

Because there’s something about a finished lawn... no long grass… no grass creeping over the sidewalk… no excess weeds in the garden...

Just a perfect backyard on a (relatively) cool Saturday afternoon.

And then something else hit me... I enjoyed doing the yard work…

I really, really enjoyed doing the yard work...

I am a freak... aren’t I?