A Sign of Things to Come

“The female of the species is more deadly than the male.” - Rudyard Kipling

Oh you have no idea Rudyard… you have no idea…

This past weekend, Honey Mustard and I took The Peanut Butter & The Jelly to the Illinois State Fair in Springfield to see Corbin Blue/Drake Bell in concert.

Who’s Corbin Bleu you ask?

He’s one of the stars of the evil empire’s Disney’s “High School Musical,” he also starred in The PB’s favorite movie; “Jump In.”

There were approximately 7300 people at the concert, with the breakdown something like this:

• Girls anywhere from ages 3-17; 6899


• Boys anywhere from ages 3-17; 100


• Mothers/grandmothers/etc; 291


• Fathers/grandfathers/etc; 10

Ok, there were probably more than 10 men there, but not a whole-lot more… I was definitely outnumbered and realize I could have been trampled and overpowered at any given moment, but that is part of being a good father. And when The PB & The J told me that I was the best Daddy in the world for taking them to the concert... well, my heart was bursting with pride and joy.

When the first act, Jordan Pruitt, came out the audience response was a succinct; meh.

When Drake Bell (of Nickelodeon’s Drake & Josh) came out… the audience roared with approval.

When Corbin came out, all I heard was the squealing of thousands of girls… something along the lines of "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

That was immediately followed by a semi-constant ringing in my ears that went away… well, it really hasn’t yet…

The PB & The J enjoyed themselves immensely… and were dancing and singing with all the other girls in attendance.

The PB & The J are five… and we saw plenty of other girls around the same age… with their High School Musical or “I heart Corbin” t-shirts on… teeny-bopping around, screaming, and generally acting like a concert-goer.

But seeing all of this – seeing the throngs of girls in a tizzy ready to rip the eyes out of any other girl that made eyes at Corbin – made me realize one thing;

I am oh-so-screwed…

It’s gonna be me… HoMu… and The PB & The J… no other males in the house…

Me… and three females…

Pray for me…

In all seriousness though; Bell wasn’t bad. His musical influences are The Beatles, and you can definitely hear it in his music and also in his fashion with his publicty photo on the state fair’s website looking very early-Beatlesesque;

As far as Corbin goes, he’s been working out since “High School Musical.” Midway through his show he removed his shirt to reveal a tank top with a glittery peace sign, and his muscles were a’bulging with more than a few of the mother’s oooing and aahing… never mind the fact that he’s only 20…

And one other question; when the HELL did concert t-shirts get so ridiculously expensive? $30, are you kidding me?

Best Greeting Card Ever

Friday was Honey Mustard's birthday, and yesterday I threw a 35th b-day bash for her (more on that later).

The card my brother gave her is one of the most clever cards I've ever seen... even though it took a potshot at me.

[front] "Sister-in-law; I thought about getting you one of those gag gifts for your birthday...

[inside]: ...but you already have my brother."

Ouch

Headlines that give me hope for humankind:

Critics bash new 'Caveman' show

Wow... I never saw that coming... (he said with sarcasm oozing out of him...)

A sad and pathetic threat*

Kemp’s Note: I know I haven’t posted anything political here since I started TBWA, but this story just pissed me off so much, I had to take any soapbox I could get to let my anger known. Here ya go…


As I mentioned briefly in this morning’s “’BushWhack’ing”, there is a bi-partisan effort underway in the Senate to renew a program that provides health insurance to poor children, and they’ve reached a compromise that would expand the program by $35 billion over five years, an increase agreed to by both Democrats and republicans.

The program currently insures 6.6 million low income children from families that do not qualify for Medicaid, but are still too poor to afford private insurance coverage, and under the Senate’s expansion plan, an additional 3.3 million children would be covered under the program that was developed by Senate Finance Committee Chairman Max Baucus (D-MT) and republican Sens. Charles Grassley (r-IA) and Orrin Hatch (r-UT), among others…. and they plan to pay for this with a scant $0.61 increase on the federal excise tax on cigarettes.

“President” Bush opposes both.

Now I could give a rats-ass as to the cigarette tax… but the one that really frosts my preserves is his opposition to insuring more children whose only strike against them is being born into a poor family.

This isn’t a partisan issue, as republicans have tried pleading with Bush to compromise with Democrats on the legislation and he’s ignored them (and he wonders why no one likes him and why no gop candidates want their picture with him… it’s because he’s a train wreck that’s turning into a disaster who only cares about his beliefs and no one else’s, but I’m getting off-topic)

And no, he doesn’t have a better solution in mind; he wants to kill the expansion because… well, let’s let him speak for himself;

“My concern is that when you expand eligibility . . . you're really beginning to open up an avenue for people to switch from private insurance to the government.”

You read that right… he’s essentially saying that he cares more about private insurance companies than he does about children's health, (which seems, to me, to exemplify how he and other republicans don't care about children once they are outside the womb or outside the Petri dish)

Bush went on and said that he objects to the proposal based on “philosophical grounds”…

‘Philosophical grounds????’ Whose philosophical grounds; insurance and healthcare companies?? Or more specifically, insurance and healthcare company’s political gop contributions???

And what’s more, his comments seem to imply that he wants private insurance only… now I could get into the whole socialized medicine universal health care spiel, but after reading this, I’m just too frustrated to do it.

Rep. Rahm Emanuel (D-IL), the House Democratic Caucus chairman, said that he’s “bewildered” that Bush would be fighting an expansion in funding for a program that is not only supported by Democrats, but republicans as well. Said Mr. Emanuel;

“This is the chance for him to finally be a uniter and not a divider. You have consensus across party and ideology, and a unity on the most important domestic issue, health care -- except for one person.”

Bush’s ignorance here is unnerving… this isn’t a program to increase handing out condoms in schools or to teach evolution, two things that cause conservative’s skin to crawl… it’s ensuring that children who can not fend for themselves and have been born into situations that they are not able to control or change have health coverage…

I mean… shouldn’t it be a necessity to ensure that children (who are, as trite as it may sound, our future) are healthy?

Billions and billions of dollars for Iraq… but let’s screw poor kids.

The man is a tool… and I hope Bush can explain to the sick and dying kids what his "philosophical" reasons are for letting them suffer… and I won’t even bring-up his pre-presidential pledge to be a “compassionate conservative” because he obviously only understands the definition of one of those words.

Your guess as to which one I’m inferring to…

*cross-posted at The BushWhacked Administration

Glorious Self-Promotion Post

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KEMP!!!!

Hi everyone, it's Honey Mustard... wanted to give a blogosphere shout-out to hubby, to one of the most intelligent, creative and thought-provoking bloggers in the blogosphere...

at least that's what he wrote down for me...

He's 34 today, so if you have a chance, come wish him a Happy Cyber-Birthday.

Happy 4th of July!! Have some Hendrix

What better way is there to wish everyone a happy and safe July 4th then by showing this...

Maybe we can hire Bob the Builder

Well… apparently Honey Mustard and I are gluttons for punishment.

First, we made an offer on a lovely house…

Second, we rescinded said offer after the home inspector said the house was a ‘fire waiting to happen’ and was… well, I can’t really say any more as I’ve suppressed those memories…

Third we thought about adding on to our house. Uh… no…

Fourth, and current, we have purchased a lot… a lot in which we will build a house.

We are going to build… a… house…

Bui— Oh my God…what the hell are we thinking?

Didn’t we see “Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House”???? Or “The Money Pit”? Or “Drömkåken”????

Didn’t we see Ice Cube’s “Are we Done Yet?”? (wait, that’s right; no one saw that movie…)*

Oh my God… building a house?

...

...

Is it possible to hyperventilate in the blogosphere?


*BTW, I’m ignoring the fact that all of these movies are all in some way remakes of ‘Mr. Blandings…’

Quick post from Oklahoma...

So Julie was driving the last 2 hours of our trip to Oklahoma yesterday afternoon when it starts to get really, really dark.

I’s about 88 degrees… then, suddenly the temperature drops to 70…

And then I see this dropping out of the sky to our right…

Have car, will travel

At first I was supposed to go out to L.A. on business…

Then that changed to Boston on business…

Then that got cancelled altogether and now I’m going to Norman, Oklahoma…

From LA to Boston to Norman… that’s a rather strange progression isn’t it?

One of my cousins got married recently and they are having a reception on Saturday. And seeing as how this is one of only two cousins on my Mom’s side, Honey Mustard, The Peanut Butter, The Jelly and I – along with my parents, my brother and his fiancée – are making the trek down.

Twelve hours in a car with two 5-year olds…

Oh. My. God.

Sure, we’ll have the dual DVD player… and The PB & The J will have their Gameboys (which, quite frankly, they don’t really like)… and they’ll have enough books that they would be able to take over for the Library of Congress… and coloring books. But even with all those diversions, it’s still going to be a bumpy ride so to speak.

Why? Well, save for a short portion through the Ozarks, the states of Illinois, Missouri and Oklahoma are pretty damn flat…

For those of you in New York or Virginia or California or Florida who have never driven through those states, it looks something like this:




Okay, maybe not that bad, but you get the idea.

So… I’ll be back Tuesday with tales to regale about a trip that, while shorter than last year’s jaunt to Washington DC, will surely be…

Be…

...

... well... how about we just say ‘interesting’ at this point at leave it at that?

Oh... and a prize to whomever can accurately guess what the total expenditure of gas on this trip will be while driving a Ford Explorer.

Happy Father's Day!!

To all my fellow dads out there Happy Father's Day.

And to my own dad, Happy Fathers Day, I love you and truly appreciate everything you've ever done for me in my life. Thank you.

I am part of a special collaborative post over at The Blogfather's today about our thoughts on being a father, go check it out with this handy, dandy link.

Remembrance

Don Herbert, more popularly known as "Mr. Wizard" died today at the age of 89.

I am not a science person by ANY means, but I always enjoyed watching his show as he not only introduced me to the joys of science, he introduced generation after generation of young viewers to the joys of science as well, and he will be missed...

Perfect Tommy: Emilio Lizardo. Wasn't he on TV once?
Buckaroo Banzai: You're thinking of Mr. Wizard.
Reno: Emilio Lizardo is a top scientist, dummkopf.
Perfect Tommy: So was Mr. Wizard.

- from The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension

How true Perfect Tommy... how true...

Now let's all go freeze a superball in liquid nitrogen and smash it with a hammer, just for old times sake.

I don't even know where to begin...

So I'm in the front of the office, the radio is on and the DJ says that Paris Hilton was released from prison today, a scant day or two into her 23-day sentence, because she was depressed.

Stop the world, I want to get off...

It was forty years ago today…

... that Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play.


Today is the 40th Anniversary of the release of what is arguably THE most influential rock album EVAH; The Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Go on... give it a listen today…

Coooooool

Oops

Director Mike Figgis (Leaving Las Vegas, Timecode) was going through security at LAX when he was asked the reason for his visit.

He responded by saying; "I'm here to shoot a pilot."

Five hours after immigration and airport officials got online and figured out that, "pilot" has more than one meaning, he was released.

Don't you feel safe that our airports are hiring the best and brightest...

Went to a picnic and an Amish barn-raising broke out

Honey Mustard, The Peanut Butter, The Jelly and I were going to a Memorial Day picnic at the home of one of my sisters-in-law yesterday.

The fete was scheduled to start at 4:00… and unbeknownst to me, my father-in-law, brother-in-law and his Dad were erecting (heh heh heh… I said erect…) a wooden swingset… a task they started at Noon.

So, needless to say, from 4:00 until (no lie) 9:15 in the evening, the four of us, joined later by my sister-in-law’s fiancé, put the set together.

I could go into detail of how the process went, but A: I don't have that kind of time, and B: I honestly don't think I have enough swear-words in my vocabulary to do the story justice.

What I can say is this; when it comes time to upgrade The Peanut Butter and The Jelly’s playset, I’m gonna splurge on a little extra money and have professionals install it… lest my children be playing on something that looks like it was put together by Homer Simpson.

Because the kids did not having a swingset to play with, I was the adult of the day when I quickly ran home and got The PB & The J’s birthday present from my parents. How do you think THIS THING went over with nine kids ages 23 month to 15 years?
Yeah... I was the hero of the day...

Kemp's 7-word Movie Review

This week's offering; Shrek 3.

"They should have stopped at number two."

That is all...

Ya remember that post a few weeks ago wherein I said I wasn’t going to do this blog anymore and how I had lost my spark to write and yada, yada, yada?

.....

I’d like you all to forget that post mmkay? Thanks…

Happy Birthday to The Peanut Butter & The Jelly

Dear The PB & The J:

It was five years ago today… at 4:19 PM… that you came into this world.

The PB, you came out loud and crying at 4 pounds, 14ounces.

The J, you came out ‘floppy and unresponsive’ at 4 pounds, 3 ounces and with 10 tangles in your umbilical cord.

But you were healthy, and for that your Mother and I are eternally grateful.

After three weeks of life in the NICU, we brought you home. To say your Mommy and I were nervous would be a colossal understatement…

We were scared to death.

Dozens of questions went through our heads; ‘Would we be good parents?’, ‘Would we be so-so parents?’… ‘Would we be parents that you would have to talk to therapists about when you’re both older?’

There were adjustments, and some of them were hard to... well, adjust to. Some weren't... like sleep, since you both started to sleep through the night around 4 months of age...

You crawled...

You walked...

You talked...

You sassed...

And…

You’ve grown..

Happy Birthday girls… I love you both very, very much… more than anything else in the world, and will continue to do so, always... and forever..

Love Daddy

A Rant on the blog that refuses to die

I am literally sick to my stomach and am in desperate need of some ranting and venting, hence yet another post on the blog that refuses to die.

Some of you may remember that Honey Mustard and I put a bid on a new and larger house a few weeks ago with a contingency of it passing a home inspection.

Well, the inspection was today… and the house failed in a more spectacular fashion than George W. Bush would a public speaking class.

In other words, it wasn’t pretty.

When the home inspector with over 30 years experience says that the house is “a pit” and is “a fire waiting to happen” because of the electrical system and he is “amazed the house hasn’t caught fire yet”, you know you’re in trouble.

The inspector went room to room and went over each room with a fine-tooth comb and found so many things wrong with it that it would take me until Christmas 2009 to list them all, but here are a few of the better ones:

• Upstairs bathroom leaks into downstairs bathroom (Convenient…)
• Downstairs bathroom leaks into the basement
• The exhaust fan on the stove/oven doesn’t go outside as Illinois law dictates; rather it goes into the attic. Meaning if a fire occurred on the stove, the entire house would go up in flames.
• The outlets in every room are installed incorrectly.

Needless to say, we are going to rescind our offer.

These are things that no one; not me, not HoMu, not my father-in-law or mother-in-law, or my Mom and Dad noticed when we went through the house.

Granted, it’s a positive that we discovered it BEFORE we bought it and moved in, but still… we liked the layout of this house… we liked the looks of the house… we liked the yard…

And now we’re back at square one.

I can sum up my feelings in one concise word;

FUCK!

Thanks for allowing me the chance to vent. Carry on…

One Last Post: Happy Birthday Mr Big Dubya!!!

Yes, I've already broken my vow of not posting anymore, but this... this is a special occassion...

Kara over at Cape Buffalo is throwing a virtual birthday party for everyone's blogmigo Mr. Big Dubya.

For a virtual birthday gift I present to him: a couple of cubans...



Damn Blogger... I mean these types of Cubans:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY M-B-D! AND MANY, MANY MORE!!!!

And the curtain drops...

Sorry about the cryptic post earlier this week, but I was in a rush and didn’t want to be talked out of something.

I know I’ve flirted with this in the past but now it’s time.

It’s time to end this blog.

In the last few weeks, readership, comments and visitors have dropped dramatically and, as a result, I have not been in much mood to write.

I plan to continue with TBWA, The Blogfathers (if they still want me) and DDS (which I hope makes me elligible for the Blogpound next Fantasy Football season - hint, hint Tony...) it's just that I feel it’s time to bring this blog to an end as I have been in a severe case of writer's block for a few weeks now. I have the second and third part of my Vegas story ready, but it's... for lack of a better word... off. It doesn't make sense, it's unfunny and, in all honesty, it's cruel to a certain demographic.

I will be keeping the URL active on the off chance I am ever hit upside the head with a sledgehammer with a thought and need to express it.

Having said that, however, this will cease to be an "active" blog.

I seem to have lost my "blog muse" if you will and I don't know where it is.

For all of you that have been loyal readers, and I know there are a few, I want to give you a sincere "Thank you… and goodbye."

The End

Buh-bye...

Day One: Sand, sand everywhere, so let's all take a drink

Epilogue: The original plan was to go to bed relatively early after arriving late Wednesday night, but one thing led to another and we stayed up until 3:00 in the morning, went back to our room and

…

The following takes place between 7:00 AM and 2:30 AM…

Thanks to casinos pumping enough Oxygen into the joint to awaken Keith Richards , we went to bed about 2 or 3 in the morning and woke up and were raring to go at 7 AM.

We got cleaned up, dressed, hit the brunch buffet and, after being briefly sidelined by my ogling/playing of a Star Wars slot machine at Bills Casino (formerly Barbary Coast) we hit The Strip.

Today’s target; walk North South North to pick up our tickets at the Sahara for Trent Carlini’s show.

As we stepped outside, we immediately noticed something… there was no sun, and the wind was blowing harder than Paris Hilton at a new club opening…

{Rimshot!}

Because of which, we saw a LOT of people diving into shops to buy sweatshirts or jackets.

We’re Chicagoans, we did no such diving…

Besides the “chill” in the air, the wind was kicking up enough sand that one thought that Mac the Atlas man was around…

I’ll wait a moment for that reference to click…

We walked… we shopped… we visited each casino and played at least one game and, if the time was right, had one drink before we would walk to the next one.

That wasn’t so bad, I won a nice Calvin Hill gift set from The Riviera… and HoMu won a Leather bag set.

We finally arrived at the Sahara, got our tickets, made reservations for dinner at House of Lords (where The Beatles loved to go when they were in Vegas) and decided to walk back to our hotel via the other side of the street with the first stop to be Circus Circus.

Big. Honking. Mistake.

Apparently, about 98% of the vacationers that come to Las Vegas with kids stay at Circus Circus. We left our kids at home, so being surrounded by screaming children and obviously bored & longing parents ignoring said children was, to be polite; a bit taxing.

Mental note made at that time; never, ever, ever go back to Circus Circus…

We left C-C (we both vowed to never speak of the experience again…) and, seeing as how we both had sand in every single orifice of our body’s thanks to the wind and wanted to clean up before we went to dinner and the show, we decided to cab it back to The Flamingo. We did our thing and took the monorail (monorail… monorail… monorail…) back to the Sahara.

Dinner was excellent; we had time to gamble (I won about $50 on Blackjack) and went to our show.

Trent Carlini is Elvis. If you like Elvis and you go to Vegas, ignore every other Elvis impersonator and go see Carlini… you will NOT be disappointed.

After the show, we decided to take the monorail (monorail… monorail… monorail…) back to our hotel. When we arrive we head across the street to O’Shea’s. The War table is full, as are all the Blackjack tables, so we each find a ‘one-armed bandit’, I light my cigar and we gamble… badly… very, very badly… so when all else fails… drink.

And then go to “bed.”

Coming Next: “Day Two” or “Deliverance: Las Vegas Style”

Random (Las Vegas) Thoughts for a Wednesday

A few random thoughts about our trip to Las Vegas.

• There is a lot of construction going on in Vegas right now. A LOT. It will be interesting to go back in, say, five years and see the city.
• The Flamingo is great. Bugsy would be proud…
• The Tropicana, celebrating its 50th anniversary this year, will be gone within five years. It’s not being maintained very well, the restaurants all looked like (and served) crap, the theaters are run-down and the casino itself was craptacular.
• Saw a lot of kids in Vegas. Can’t really understand why parents would bring kids to a place where the primary pastime is drinking and gambling…
• Flying over the mountains is beautiful… but I miss the days when pilots would tell you to look out the windows at see ‘such and such.’
• People are rude, more so than Disney World.
• 'The Strip' at night is amazing.
• If I see one more picture or video of Celine Dion gyrating, I’m gonna plotz.
• Terrific views of the city atop Paris’ Eiffel Tower.
• If they stopped handing out the hooker cards and booklets, or at the least recycled them, every forest in the world could be re-populated.
• The biggest-selling clothing line in Vegas (meaning I saw them in every store and on 90% of the people walking around) had “CSI” plastered on them… as if they couldn’t find those anywhere else.
• ATM fees around the city were $4.99. That’s not just outrageous, it’s obscene.
• Cab drivers in Vegas drive like Chicago cabbies, but they do their best to get you somewhere quickly…
• What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas... and stays OUT of the blog; Sorry Samantha.
• On the final shuttle to the airport, a woman got on and proceeded to have a very loud conversation on her cell phone the entire way to the airport… in French. She didn’t even stop when one of the other passengers asked her to or when I said a smart-ass comment about frogs legs…I know, I know – that was harsh.
• Two airline flights, two rough landings.
• Random Vegas Photo Time! This is a photo of one of the pools at The Flamingo with a very stylish and very retro feel.

Random Las Vegas Picture

Everyone said we had to go here because it's a lot of fun; so we went:

I thought they said S and M World... imagine my disappointment...

Las Vegas: Departure (hopefully) & Arrival (hopefully)

When we woke up Wednesday morning, there was snow on the ground.

Snow… in Mid-April… wtf?

Later in the morning, the snow became this combination of quickly-changing and ever-changing snow/sleet/rain.

Usually it takes about an hour to get to Midway from our house, but because of the weather… and knowing that people can’t drive if they see a flake of snow fall from the sky, we decided to leave for the airport a little earlier.

We dropped The Peanut Butter and The Jelly off at HoMu’s parents house and hit the road.

Lo and behold, the traffic was fine and we arrived at the airport about three and a half hours before our flight was scheduled to depart.

Son of a…

We checked our bags and then checked the monitor to see the status of our flight:

“On Time.”

Excellent.

We then had two and a half hours to kill but that was not a problem as it gave us a chance to eat dinner at Harry Carry’s Seventh Inning Stretch and have a calming alcohol-based drink before boarding.

After that, we went to our gate and checked the status of our flight…

“Delayed.”

Son of a...

Did I mention it started snowing again… harder? And that the wind picked up… and that the temperature started to drop?

We were supposed to leave at 4:35, but at 4:45, they put a sign on the board that still said delayed… but listed no time.

Hmmmmm…

Being the inquisitive one that she is, HoMu went up and asked them approximately what time our flight would be leaving… the conversation went something like this:

“We don’t know, we can’t find the plan.”

“I’m sorry, what? Are you being funny?”

“No unfortunately I’m not…”

“Oh. Shit.”

That’s right, you heard me (sorry Sarah); they couldn’t find the plane.

Gotta love Southwest…

About 20 minutes later, they announced that they found the plane (it must have been in another pair of pants or something…) and that it was on its way to Midway.

A joyous applause was heard throughout the terminal… which was quickly beat-out by shouts of anger and frustration as the flight in the next gate was pushed back an additional hour.

So, we boarded the plane about 5:50 and they tell us we should be taking off within the next 10 minutes.

Needless to say, that was wrong.

We left the gate in ten minutes, but we sat on the tarmac for an additional 40 minutes before taking off…

We landed about 8:45 Vegas time and were told that our luggage would be on carousel 14.

We waited… and waited… and waited… and waited…

Finally, I saw a Southwest desk in the corner of the baggage area and went over to ask when our luggage would be unloaded and put on carousel 14, that conversation went something like this:

“When will the bags from Chicago be unloaded?”

“They already have been. They’re right here. We have our own luggage carousel.”

“We weren’t told that, the sign said carousel 14. I mean, didn’t you think it was odd that no one was claiming their luggage.”

“Actually I did. I thought about making an announcement, but didn’t.”

“You’re an idiot, do you know that?”

So HoMu and I got our bags and, since Southwest wasn’t doing a damn thing, we walked over to the luggage carousel where everyone on our flight was waiting and told them where to go and whom to yell at.

They obliged.

We quickly found the shuttle to The Flamingo, arrived, checked in and, seeing as how we hadn’t eaten since 2:00 Chicago time and it was now 11:30 Chicago time (9:30 LV), we grabbed a bite to eat before hitting the casino for a quick drink and some quick gambling before hitting the strip and getting to bed early so we could start early the next morning.

We ended up going to bed around 3:00.

Tomorrow; “Day One” or “How We Ended Up Getting Sand in Every Orifice of our Bodies”

Two nonstop flights to guilt please

Honey Mustard and I leave for Las Vegas tomorrow without the The Peanut Butter & The Jelly.

That’s right, just the two of us… and we’re positively giddy about the idea.

Now don’t get us wrong, we absolutely, unequivocally, unconditionally love our children, but… come on… anyone with kids knows exactly what I’m talking about.

However, there is one problem…

In The PB and The J’s 4 ¾ on this planet (and NOT counting the nights they were in the NICU since we were next door at the Ronald McDonald House) we’ve been apart from them, overnight, for a grand total of two times…

You read that right… two times.

Once, a year and two months after they were born when my Uncle Nishan (who I am named for and who was always like a grandfather to me) passed away.

The second time was two years ago when we decided to have some salvation for an evening and stayed the night at Hotel 71 in Chicago, had dinner at Miller’s Pub, drank too much with friends of ours at the Congress Hotel Bar (which is THE BEST dive bar in Chicago btw), and had Sunday Brunch at The Signature Room atop the John Hancock building…

And that’s it.

So here we are… on the cusp of multiple nights away from our little demoñios angels… and HoMu and I are more than a little nervous.

The girls?They’re excited… no, scratch that… they’re thrilled... after all, they get to spend two nights with HoMu’s parents, then two nights with my parents.

Four nights of spoiling… four nights of being given money from Abuelo (my Dad)… four nights of being the center of attention from their Gama (HoMu’s Mom, whom they usually have to share with six other grandchildren)…

It’s enough to make them push us out the door two days early.

...

… but it’s also enough to make HoMu and I a little worried.

But, we’ll muddle through somehow.

It's a pleasure to just be nominated...

Lisa over at My Thoughts, Ideas and Ramblings has nominated The BushWhacked Administration for the Blogger's Choice Awards - Best Political Blog.

So if you agree with her (and really, who wouldn't?), head over and give Scott and I a vote:

http://www.bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/698

It's a moral imperative...

It was ten years ago today...

We met in college… Eastern Illinois University… and in my first semester there, which was Honey Mustard’s second, we had a class together, World History with Wolfgang Schlauch.

I noticed her daily, because she sat in front of a girl I dated for about 3 months… and that’s how we initially met. Because “Ginger” was almost always tardy (the reason was one of the reasons we broke up – but that’s a story for another day), while we talked often, we didn’t really “meet,”

We got along, but nothing more as we were both in “relationships” (for lack of a better word) with others at the time…

But there was always something in the back of mind about her, even after the semester was over.

A year later, we actually “met”, this time through mutual friends. Along the way discovered that we lived about 1 block from each other and had a lot of mutual interests. That first night, we talked for four hours while our friends partied…

The rest, as the saying goes, is history.

HAPPY 10^th ANNIVERSARY HoMU! I Love You; Always & Forever.

Here’s the wedding meme revisited should you want to know more… and really, who doesn’t?

1. Where/How did you meet? See above…

2. How long have you known each other? All told – about 13 years. We’ve been together as a couple for about 12 years…

3. How long after you met did you start dating? About 2 months after the second time we met, or the “official” time we met as opposed to the moment, as HoMu so eloquently puts it, ‘we met while you (meaning I) were dating that tramp’ … in HoMu’s defense, the other woman was a tramp, but that’s another story for another day

4. How long did you date before you were engaged? 6 months

5. How long was your engagement? An additional year and a half as we decided to wait for me to graduate college (HoMu graduated a year before I did) and for her to finish her post-graduate program she started upon her graduation.

6. How long have you been married? 10 years today! Next week, we’re going to Vegas baby… sans kids…

7. What is your anniversary? See above. But still plenty of time to purchase something online for the special day.

8. How many people came to your wedding reception? 390 people, give or take a few…

9. What kind of cake did you serve? Classic wedding cake with tiers…

10. Where was your wedding? In Kankakee at the church my wife grew up attending.

11. What did you serve for your meal? Steak or chicken, twice-baked potatoes, salad, green beans, bread, and wine…

12. How many people were in your bridal party? Seven, plus two ushers and a flower girl and a ring bearer… one big-ass wedding party.

13. Are you still friends with them all? Yes…

14. Did your spouse cry during the ceremony? Yes… as did I…

15. Most special moment of your wedding day? Being at the front of the church and seeing her in her wedding gown for the first time when the ushers opened the doors…

16. Any funny moments? At the rehearsal, one of the altar boys asked my female cousin, who was standing-up as one of my “groomsmen,” if they were the night’s entertainment… my cousin almost slugged the kid. Another one happened at the reception, when the priest asked me if the ‘girl with the huge tits’ had found her purse…

17. Any big disasters? A couple. First, I almost did not have a vest as the tuxedo place screwed up my tux about eight times, which almost resulted in my Dad reaching over the counter and strangling, Homer-Bart style, the manager who had said to “Make do” with my messed up tux and the ringbearer’s messed-up tux. They eventually fixed it and I got my vest about 3 minutes before we started. The second? We had a gift opening/leftover eating party the next day as we were leaving for our honeymoon Monday morning. So my brother drove us to the O’Hare Holiday Inn Sunday night, where I had ordered a “Honeymoon Special” of bath beads, champagne, chocolates and a free dinner at their stylish restaurant. Besides the fact it was snowing (in April) when my brother dropped us off, the hotel had no heat… and no hot water. Plus, they did not have the Gift Basket waiting in the room for us. So we spent our second night of married life freezing our asses off waiting for a gift basket that never came. On the plus side, upon our return, we sent a letter to Holiday Inn corp and they sent us back a free 2-night stay at the same location with all the perks.

18. Where did you go on your honeymoon? The Sandals resort at Ocho Rios in Jamaica.

19. How long were you gone? A week and a half.

20. If you were to do your wedding over, what would you change? I would have held firm that my female cousin wear a tux while standing up on my side rather than one of the bridesmaids dresses, it looked odd…

21. What side of the bed do you sleep on? Left

22. What size is your bed? Queen.

23. Greatest strength as a couple? She laughs at my jokes, no matter how bad they are. Also, a shared respect for one another and our sometimes differing opinions.

24. Greatest challenges as a couple? I give two because they tie-in so well with each other. We are both highly opinionated, while at the same time we are both bosses at our jobs, and we sometimes tend to forget to leave that particular trait where it belongs…

25. Who literally pays the bills? She does. While I can manage a multi-million dollar budget at work, I have trouble doing so at home; go figure.

26. What is your song? “Love Will Keep Us Alive” by The Eagles. Though we walked into our reception to “Miserlou” from the Pulp Fiction soundtrack… without the Pumpkin and Honey Bunny dialog btw…

27. What did you dance your first dance to? The aforementioned Eagles song…

28. Describe your wedding dress tux? Black, with white vest and black satin band with diamond stud – no cummerbund or ‘tux’ tie…

29. What kind of flowers did you have at your wedding? Uh.. there were flowers?? Kidding, they were lilies…

30. Are your wedding bands engraved? Hold on, let me check.. no…

Because we're gluttons for punishment, that's why.

We put an offer on a larger house Saturday... one that has 2.5 bathrooms, 4 bedrooms and sits on 1/4 of an acre...

Now comes the joy of trying to sell our current house so we can buy and move into the new one...

Why, oh why?

Why I love her...

Honey Mustard: I'm gonna put these books in the bookcase...

Me: Novel idea...

-- BEAT --

HoMu: hahahahahaha...

Um, am I missing something?

Can someone please explain this ComcastNews headline to me:

Sean Lennon Unfazed by Public Attention

I know he's the son of John but... what public attention are they referring to exactly???

More YouTube Fun...

This is someone's own remix of 'Duel of the Fates' that encompasses all six movies... it's pretty damn cool and good filler, close to 5 minutes in length... enjoy

Random Thoughts

Have some Random Thoughts:

• I’ve got a post up at The Blogfathers today…
• If I hear one more thing about ‘American Idol’, Rosie O’Donnel, Anna Nicole Smith, ‘Dancing with the Stars’, Heather “Yoko” Mills or Brittany Lohan… I’m gonna plotz…
• I blame MetroDad for hooking me on this game…
• The UK is considering a ‘blogger code of conduct…
• Researchers have discovered a “new kind of twin.”
• Road House 2??????
• One man complained to the FCC that Prince’s Super Bowl halftime show gave him erectile dysfunction. One woman complained to the FCC that she was worried that Prince’s Super Bowl Halftime Show would turn her son gay… insert your own smart-ass comment about stupid is as stupid does here…
• I’ve said it before, but I’m gonna say it again; Netflix rocks!!!
• This has to be one of the strangest headlines I’ve ever read, and it comes from the Chicago Tribune: “Mom's beef puts son's sperm count at stake”
• And for all of you that sent in your votes for when The PB would catch The J’s strep; knock on wood – it hasn’t happened yet.
• Now I’m worrying that HoMu or I will catch before we go to Vegas 2 weeks from today…
• Searches that have brought people here: “cpx2 blog”, “1st year with twins”, “bridget monyhan”, “huge tits blog” (they were probably massively disappointed when they clicked on my blog, don’t ya think?), “the crowd will always talk and stare”, “baby shower yolk chicago” (wait, what?), “mardi gras france soldiers war kill” (uh, what are things that surrender?), “helen mirren, armpit” (fetish much?), “how many diapers will twins use the first year” (not that many at all…), “doodlebops without makeup” (thanks again Sarah!), “doodlebops having it” (I really don’t think I want to know what ‘it’ is. Do you?)
• What are some of my blogmigos up to this week? Mr. Big Dubya had an interesting weekend… Queen of Spain wrote a letter to the TSA… ThePapaDog gives the inspiration for twin beds… Cape Buffalo is ‘L'homme at last’… Philosopher Dad learns the hard way about baby-proofing the house… and Dad2Twins comes to a realization about his place in the house
• Quote of the Week:

  “Beware of false knowledge; it is more dangerous than ignorance.” - George Bernard Shaw

It speaks for itself...

Uh-Oh

The Jelly has been running a fever all weekend (of course she has, it was in the 70's all weekend, so naturally she gets a temp and has to stay inside) so Honey Mustard took her to the Doctor this morning.

The diagnosis? '034.0'

That's Strep Throat for you non-healthcare folk out there.

So The Jelly has strep... meaning no school today or tomorrow... and, coincidentally, they don't have school Wednesday and Thursday for Parent-Teacher conferences and Teacher's Institute... so The J has a nice 6-day break...

Wish I could get strep...

Any wagers about how long it takes for The Peanut Butter to get it?

Sigh... another day, another meme

It’s around here somewhere… somewhere in the blog-o-sphere is my talent.

If you find it, please contact me… until then, have a meme that I found while traipsing around ‘The Internets’ last night.

1)Go to Wikipedia: Ok, simple enough, I’m there...

2) In the search box, type your birth month and day but not the year. Okay... J-u-o, wait, let me try that again... J-y-l... damn it... Sorry, I can’t type when people are looking over my shoulder... J-u-l-y- 8, there...

3) List five events that happened on your birthday:

First: in 1776 The Liberty Bell was rung to summon citizens of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania to the reading of the Declaration of Independence by the Continental Congress. (Kewl…)

Second: in 1889 the first issue of the Wall Street Journal was published.

Third: in 1947 there were reports broadcast that a UFO has crash landed in Roswell, New Mexico. (Wait a minute… there’s a New Mexico?)

Four: in 1896 William Jennings Bryan delivered his Cross of Gold speech at the 1896 Democratic National Convention in Chicago that advocated bimetalism. (One of the landmark speeches by one of the best orators EVAH)

Five: in 1982 there was an assassination attempt against Iraqi president Saddam Hussein in Dujail, Iraq. (He’ll eventually get his comeuppance … oh, wait.)

Hmmmmm, is it too soon for a Hussein joke?

4) List five important birthdays and one death.

1836 - Joseph Chamberlain (Papa of Neville)

1838 - Ferdinand Graf von Zeppelin ('Oh, the humanity…')

1933 - Marty Feldman ('There wolf, there castle.')

1948 - Raffi (eeeeewwwww)

1958 - Kevin Bacon (Wow, I’m six degrees from Kevin Bacon…)

Death –Soapy Smith in 1898. He was an American con artist. See number five below for more…

5) One holiday or observance (if any)

The Annual Soapy Smith wake, held each year in Skagway, Alaska in the Gold Rush Cemetery and in Hollywood, California at the Magic Castle…

6) Tag 5 other bloggers to complete.

No use since no one listens to me tags. If you want to do it, do it. If you don’t want to do it, don’t…

Decisions...

…are made by those who show up.

And a trio of bloggers is asking for your help to show up, or more appropriately, post up.

Croutonboy tipped me off to this, and I thing it’s an extraordinary idea.

Brian, Rick & Carol, along with Brave Humans, are trying to organize 30,000 bloggers to

“...act as a single voice for one moment in time.”

The purpose is not to make any particular political statements, but to, simply, make some noise.

Why? Because it’s there… because we can… because voices need to be heard. Or, in simpler reasoning; why not?

It’s an opportunity to stand-up and be counted… an opportunity to have your voice heard… an opportunity to “teach the world to sing” and to “shout from the rooftops”... okay, those are a little cheesy, but you get the idea.

Think about it, it worked for The Who’s in Horton Hears a Who… and it can work for the blog-o-sphere.

There’s no agenda attached… it’s not a Liberal thing… it’s not a conservative thing… it’s a change thing… it’s something aimed at bringing about change... and that’s all.

Sure, the catalyst was something said by a bat-shit crazy biatch conservative pundit, but it’s not who it is that prompted the day… it’s the chance to do... something.

Random Thoughts: Uber-quick version

• I’ve been taken into the family over at The Blogfathers… Someone must have told them all about my little maneuver at the battle of Taanab…
• I want one, I want one, I want one…nowwwwww
• Quick! What movie and what character?
• Carol Burnett needs to get a sense of humor…
• Seen on Fark. A 9-year old boy won a six-foot tall trophy for Best Mullet in Jacksonville… is it possible to suffer joke-overload? BTW, the link has, in the words of Fark, ‘pic goodness’…
• We had a surprise party last weekend for my FIL. He retired 2 weeks ago after 41 ½ years at Ford, broken up only by his tour in Vietnam. It was a total surprise… until my MIL decided to bring him in the back door at the pub and my FIL saw my parent’s red corvette with our last name on the license plate… oops…
• Since I can’t access blogs or even Bloglines at work, I’ve found a work-around that allows me to still read my favorite blogs… netvibes.com… very cool
• Another year, another Ides of March survived… whew…
• Tony praises the NCAA tournament… Sarah asks for someone to explain commercial air travel to her son… Mr. Big Dubya randomizes… Amy did a wedding meme...
• I can honestly say that I am very, very happy that Duke got bounced in the first round of the NCAA tourney…
• Search terms that have brought people to my corner of the blogosphere: “smoking like turks” (uh… okay…), “ruth kemp virgin” (uh… okay…), “adam morrison” (sheesh, make one joke about him crying like a girl and you get branded for life online…), “pictures of soledad obrian naked” (sweeeeet), “monoamniotic vaginally tampa” (no idea whatsoever what this is about), “skippy kemp”, “kemp”, “heroin overdose swollen testicles” (Gotta be a great story behind that search term, don’t ya think?

And now... The Blogfathers

I have been… asked… to join The Blogfathers… and you all know what one does to a request from The Blogfathers… you comply with a request from The Blogfathers…

Seriously though, I was one of seven to be offered the chance to be a Capo over there, and I have accepted, so I am excited about this new opportunity to expound on being a father of twins.

If you came to Kemp’s Blog via Blogfathers, please take a look around… you can click on my 100 Things About Me post, or check out my Top Ten posts over on the right, or just click around and explore…

I’ll be posting my Introductory post at The Blogfathers later this evening, so be sure to check that out as well…

Thanks… and enjoy…

Why, oh why?

Proof our country is drowning in a sea of pop culture schlock...

You probably all know that the cavemen from the Geico TV ads are getting their own TV show… that’s scary enough, but now word is coming out that the “Burger King” from the Burger King commercials will be making a theatrical feature (read: a movie) to give background for the commercials...

...

Stop the world, I want to get off...

Blog Confessionals

It’s time for a confession… one I’ve held back and kept secret for years… one that gnaws at my soul and wakes me up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat… a confession that could shake the very foundation of my life… so here goes…

I’m afraid of the Oompa Loompas.

Yes… you read that right, the Oompa Loompas. The little demons things from the original Willy Wonka movie…

They scare me… I admit it... it’s not something I’m proud of, but they scare me silly.

I don’t really know what it is about them that freaks me out… but they do.

Please don’t laugh at me.

Now you might me asking yourself how this came up?

Or you might be asking yourself why you’re reading this blog in the first place, but that’s neither here nor there… it all started this past Saturday night, Honey Mustard, The Peanut Butter, The Jelly and I were sitting with HoMu’s youngest sister, who is disabled, so her parents could see a show we had gotten them tickets for.

To get off track momentarily, we first watched the original Parent Trap, and while watching it, I remembered that the actress playing the gold-digger was the same actress that played Patrick Dennis’ snobby fiancé in Auntie Mame and played the gold-diggers mother in the 1998 remake. More proof that you can believe me when I tell you I am chocked-full of useless knowledge…

Afterwards, The PB & The J wanted to watch Willy Wonka.

HoMu said yes, I on the other hand, wanting nothing to do with it, protested… I said it’s late and the girls need to lie down and go to bed…

No dice…

I then said the movie would give them nightmares…

Again, no dice…

So they put the movie in… besides being a colossal piece of mind-numbing drivel, the movie is, quite frankly, excessively cloying… but we watched the movie…

And then, the unspeakable happened…

The Oompa-Loompas appeared…

Oh. My. God.

One look into their beady little eyes and all I see is one thing; EVIL.

Pure, unadulterated, evil.

What it is about them that freaks me out I’m not quite certain of, but I can tell you that I am reasonably sure they are out to get each and every one of us…

Think about it… when was the last time you saw an Oompa Loompa walking around New York City… or Washington DC… or Tampa…

Exactly… you don’t see them…because they’re camouflaged… they’re camouflaged and waiting for just the right moment to spring up and unleash their evil…

Am I the only one that sees this?

What do you think?

I've made some aesthetic changes and I want to hear YOUR opinion...

Like it.

Hate it.

Have mass indifference to it.

Inquiring minds... okay fine, inquiring mind wants to know...

In the words of Homer J. Simpson; "D'oh!"

I can’t think of anything to write today…

I thought about simply writing “I have nothing to say today. That is all"… but Croutonboy beat me to it.

Then I thought I would take a picture of my ass, but QofS beat me to it…

So… I’m sitting here… with nothing to say… with no spark… with no prospects…

Not even a random thought bouncing around in my head.

It’s gone someplace… somewhere in this world is my talent…

If you find it, if you would be so kind as to let me know, I would greatly appreciate it.

And yes, I see the irony of having said in the previous post that I found my creative spark only to lose it the next day...

Reader Mailbag Volume I

Time to reach into the official “Kemp’s Blog Mailbag” and answer some e-mail/comment questions…

• Becky asked: “What does Kemp mean?”
  
  First of all let me clear up the misconception that it’s short for anything; it’s not (you would not believe how many people ask me that question – so I though I would take the preemptive measure of getting that out of the way). Kemp (originally a surname) is a family name of Celtic/Gaelic origin that stands for “Warrior and Champion”. So my first name is Celtic, my middle name is Armenian and my surname is Spanish… figure that one out…

• Becky also asked: “Besides sausages, what's your favorite dish to cook?”
  
  I love making my special bar-b-que ribs. I start with my “special” dry-rub, and then splash on my secret sauce. Also Spanish Tortilla, Toasted Raviolli and my Abuela’s Arroz con Pollo.

• Becky then asked: “Do you bake?”
  
  Technically, yes. If she had asked if I bake well, I would have to alter my answer a smidge…

• And finally Becky asked: “Was I only supposed to ask one question?
  
  Matters not one whit how many question you ask…

• Samantha Jo asks “If you were to be a Sesame Street character, who would you be and why?”
  
  Well, most people would say Oscar the Grouch because, at times, I can be a bit of a grouch – but nowhere near the grouch that my brother is… any-hoo… I would have to say Grover. Why? Because he can do anything… he’s smart, fearless (Super Grover!), eloquent and erudite, and he is a direct descendent of Yoda… at least in my mind he is seeing as how they both were/are brought to life by Frank Oz… what do you think? Did I put too much thought into that?

• Sarah asks “If the PB & the J were boys, what would their names have been?”
  
  The PB would have been Nishan Kemp (after my Uncle Nishan, who was more like a grandfather to me, and for whom I was given my middle name) and the J would have been Marshal Kemp (after one of my wife’s Uncles).

• Ronnie asked: “What other names did you consider for The PB & The J?”
  
  The PB almost was Isabella and J was almost Maria.

• Jeanine asked: “Are you still considering ending your blog?”
  
  As of now, no. I’ve reacquired my creative spark (on both this and TBWA) and will continue doing it until I either lose it again or the people in the black, windowless vans take me away… whichever comes first.

I enjoyed the questions. If you have any more , leave ‘em in comments or send me an email – kempsblog at gmail dot com

Thanks… and enjoy…

Are these the little girls I carried?

Honey Mustard had class the other night and wasn’t home yet.

The Peanut Butter and The Jelly were playing with their dolls so I quickly went down to the laundry room and got some laundry to fold... yes, I fold laundry...

I brought the laundry up, put it down near the couch and then had to put the dog outside as she was dancing a jig and I know if I didn’t put her out now, she’s piddle all over the floor.

So I put the dog out, brought her in and gave her some water. All told, about 7 minutes I was away from the laundry basket.

I go into the front room to fold it, and to my surprise, my daughters... my 4 ½ year old daughters... had folded it all.

You read that right... they folded the laundry... all of it... nicely... and had it in perfect stacks...

I remember them not being able to hold their heads up like it was yesterday... and now here they are folding laundry (and nicer than the job I can do quite frankly)...

I don’t want to sound like a schmo here... but I was amazed. I know, I know, I know... they’re getting older, there are a lot of things they can do... but it still surprised me and brought home one, simple fact that, I think, some parents tend to forget...

Time.

Flies.

Enjoy it while you can...

I'll be back

I leave after work this afternoon for my sojourn into sausage making (there are two things you never want people to see you make; laws and sausages)

The Peanut Butter and The Jelly are… for the most part… okay with the fact they won’t see me until Sunday afternoon… at least until they get home tonight and I’m not there.

Then it will start; “Where’s Daddy?”… “When’s Daddy coming home?” … “I miss Daddy.”

It’s enough to make a sane man cry like a little girl…

Sigh…

On the plus side, we did just receive in the mail their own DVD of “Toy Story” for them to watch tonight.

(They had been watching my old copy on VHS… until they took it to daycare and one of the other children – for these purposes I shall call him De-struct-or – who unraveled it like it was a tape cassette given to you by your 1980’s ex-boyfriend/ girlfriend…)

Anyhow, I’ll try to post some pictures of the choriz-process so you can see how sausages are made.

If you want to see how laws are made, you need to speak to Lumbyheadsmom or MaW… they might be able to help you with that…

Random Thoughts

The following takes place between 9:00 am and 9:08 am…

• We all make fun of her (and deservedly so), but for the sake of her children, I hope Britney gets the help she needs… wait… wow, that was short-lived...
• Heather Mills (Paul McCartney’s soon-to-be ex-wife) will be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars this season… I’m not gonna say anything except this; better her than Yoko…
• Fark Headline of Mid-Week. “Two cities are battling over a federal trademark on the nickname 'Icebox of the Nation.' Submitter still holding out for his ex-wife's vagina.”
• Useless trivia time!!!! Did you know? That Oscar nominee Forest Whitaker was cast as the original Sawyer on “Lost” but dropped out of the show for the chance to direct a movie… a movie starring Katie Holmes called “First Daughter”?
• Ugh… last week on Random Thoughts I poked fun at a possible remake of “Weird Science”. The LA Times apparently didn’t read my post and register my disgust with remaking “classic” films from the ‘70’s and ‘80’s and has released a list of 1980’s movies whose time has come to be remade, meaning they want these movies to be remade. They include “Ghostbusters”, “Jaws” (obviously no one at the LA Times can do research as Jaws was released in 1975), “Airplane” and “Teen Wolf”… (Wait, what? Teen Wolf? Are you fuc**** kidding me?)
• AVClub.com has a list of 14 TV shows that deserve to be released to DVD… I’m a fan of most of them, but especially of “Its’ Garry Shandling’s Show”, one of the funniest shows from the 1980’s. The best line from IGSS’s entry; “Shandling hinted that a DVD release was in the cards, but to date, no official announcement has been made. Meanwhile, Full House has just issued its fifth boxed set.” Nicely put guys…
• They’re working on a movie version of “24”… I assume it won’t be 24-hours in length, but you never know. More useless trivia; the longest movie ever is The Cure for Insomnia which clocked in at a robust 85-hours long…
• Slate.com headline; “Is there a sex crisis on college campuses?” There wasn’t when I was going to college… but then again, I graduated from college in 1996… which makes me realize… I. Am. Old.
• Sarah answers your e-mails… Croutonboy is not a happy home-renovator… Mr. Big Dubya wants to see your tats (that’s tats with an ‘a’, not an ‘i’… Gidge teaches us all about Harvest Festivals of the Modern Age…Dad2Twins is going tropical… TheWhitedNews took some pictures of the Midwest blizzard from last week…
• Recent Search phrases that have brought people to my blog: “Bridget Monyhan” (though I’m sure if I added the word naked to that phrase, my hits would quadruple), “bob gibson statues” (they moved them both from old Busch to new Busch), “Mardi gras catholic perspective”, “doodlebops without makeup” (thanks Sarah!), “naked housewives” (thanks AGAIN Sarah!), “I want Penolope Cruz naked” (I’d be okay with that), “Ilan Mitchell Smith”, “donkeyporn” (I really, really REALLY do not even want to know about this one…), “has anyone died while eating King cake” (Elvis?)
• I liked Sarah’s mailbag post SOOOOO much, I’ve decided to do the same… but first, I need questions. So, if you have any questions, anything at all, send me an email or leave me a comment. Remember, I’m full of useless knowledge, so no subject is omitted…
• Quote of the Week:

  “A witty saying proves nothing.” - Voltaire

Breaking Hearts

This Saturday is the Day of the Chorizo.

A family tradition that I, along with my dad, my brother, a few of my cousins partake in annually. It’s the day we make the family-chorizo for the coming year. We use a recipe that my Abuela brought over with her when she immigrated (or is that emigrated) from Spain at the age of 19.

We butcher the hog, we add the spices, we mix it, we put it in a grinder, we encase it and we let it smoke for a few days.

Last year I was too sick to participate... but this year I am feeling fine and ready to go.

Because The Peanut Butter and The Jelly have dance class (and a recital in May that they’re practicing for), and Honey Mustard has midterms next week (that she has to study for) they are not going...I am going sans family.

Last night at dinner, The PB asked if we could go see a movie this weekend, and HoMu said ‘Daddy will be out of town this weekend.”

(Note: We are not telling the girls where I am actually going... if they knew I was going to my parents, their Abuelo and Abuela, they would want to go and would throw a fit that could very well go down as the most impressive fit by a child EVER)

The J started crying... actually crying... saying “But I love Daddy. I want him to stay home. Don’t go Daddy, don’t go.”

My heart... was breaking...

Then The PB decided to join in... and my heart was doubly breaking...

(Let me explain something about my daughters… being twins, they know how to play off each other… whether it be for fun or dramatic effect or for getting what they want – and they’re only four, so get ready Sarah, Becky, Matthew – so I knew that I was in trouble)

This went on for about 20 minutes until The J said, “I’ll miss you Daddy but you can go” followed by The PB saying, “Go Daddy.”

Great... they feel better, but my heart is still breaking...

If they’re acting like this now, what are they going to do when both HoMu and I go to Las Vegas in April for our 10 Year wedding anniversary??

What do you guys do when you have to be away from the kids?

...

And incidentally, my family’s version of chorizo does NOT use the “varietal parts of the animal, such as cheeks, salivary glands or lymph nodes” that Wikipedia mentions...

Fat Tuesday Redux

I wrote a post last year explaining Fat Tuesday, you can read it HERE. Or you can read the new and improved version with over 30% new material below… it’s guaranteed* to impress…

*not a real guarantee

DID YOU KNOW?

• That the name Fat Tuesday comes from the French Words ‘Gras’ (pronounced ‘graw’) and ‘Mardi’… Mardi Gras… aha! The light bulbs come on
• That Mardi Gras is a legal holiday in New Orleans
• That the oldest Mardi Gras celebration in the United States is in Mobile, Alabama. Their celebrations date back to 1703.
• That the official colors of Mardi Gras (purple which is a symbol of justice; green which represents faith; and gold which signifies power) have their roots in Catholicism.
• The name Fat Tuesday comes from the tradition of slaughtering and feasting upon a fattened calf (The veal wasn’t butchered though, it died of loneliness--- my kingdom for a rimshot) on the last day of Carnivale.

Background

In England, today is known as Shrove Tuesday, derived from the word “Shrive”, which is an old English word for having your sins forgiven. People would get ready for Lent by going to Confession and by asking forgiveness of one another. Then they would keep the disciplines of Lent (prayer, fasting and almsgiving) as their penance.

That’s the serious side of Shrovetide, but another task during Carnival was the “eating-up” of Lent’s forbidden foods, and for over a thousand years, most Christians kept Lent by not eating animal products, a practice that probably began out of necessity.

At Carnival all meat, butter, cheese and eggs got used up in one final feast before the Lenten fast. Making pancakes and doughnuts uses up a lot of these ingredients. Russians call the days before Lent “Butter Week.” In some countries, the last day before Lent is called Doughnut Day or Pancake Day. The Irish call it “Ash Eve.” The French call it “Mardi Gras” which means “Fat Tuesday.”

In Venice, at midnight on Ash Wednesday Eve, a straw figure named “Carnivale,” whose body has been stuffed with fireworks, is burned in a fire in St. Mark’s Square. In some places last year’s Palm Sunday branches are burned with an effigy of old man winter, and so Lent’s ashes get made at the same time that winter “burns up.”

Mardi Gras came to New Orleans through its French heritage in 1699. Early explorers celebrated this French holiday on the banks of the Mississippi River. Throughout the years, Orleanians have added to the celebration by establishing krewes (organizations) which host parades and balls. Carnival quickly became an exciting holiday for both children and adults.

Parades are put on by carnival krewes (or organizations). Every year, each krewe picks a king and a queen who reign for that parade. The floats are decorated to depict different themes. The floats are pulled by tractors. Most parades have at least 15 floats. People who belong to the krewe ride on the floats. They throw beads, doubloons, cups, and trinkets to the crowd. Following the parade, the krewe usually has a ball presenting their king and queen, and their royal court. The royal court includes maids, dukes, pages, captains, and jesters.

Since the Mardi Gras season begins with the celebration of Epiphany, the visit of the “Three Kings” to the Baby Jesus, it is a tradition of the celebrations to bake an oval cake in honor of the three kings - the King Cake. The shape of a King Cake symbolizes the unity of faiths. Each cake is decorated in the traditional Mardi Gras colors: purple represents justice, green represents faith and gold represents power. A small baby, symbolizing the baby Jesus, is baked into each cake. In New Orleans, King Cake parties are held throughout the Mardi Gras season. In offices, classrooms, and homes throughout the city, King Cakes are sliced and enjoyed by all. Like the biblical story, the "search for the baby" adds excitement, as each person waits to see in whose slice of cake the baby will be discovered. While custom holds that the person who finds the baby in their slice will be rewarded with good luck, that person is also traditionally responsible for bringing the King Cake to the next party or gathering.

Paczki (punch-key) Day is the feast of plenty before the Lenten fast begins. It is the last day of gaiety in Karnawal time, the period between Christmas and Lent. This is the time for sleigh parties called Kulig. To mark the last moments of excess before the austerity of Lenten sacrifice, Polish Roman Catholics celebrate Paczki Day.

On this day the traditional deep fried pastries (something like jelly doughnuts) are enjoyed throughout the world's Polonias (Polish immigrant communities). This joyous activity precedes the Gorzkie Zale (lamentation services) of Lent in Polonian churches. In Poland, Paczki Day takes place the Thursday before Ash Wednesday, called Tlusty Czwartek (Fat Thursday). Long lines form in front of the bakeries in Polonia, and millions of Paczki are sold.

MARDI GRAS IN NOLA

Secret societies, known as krewes, arrange and finance all the Mardi Gras activities in New Orleans, with the oldest krewe being Comus, which made its first appearance in 1857. A different krewe holds a parade on each night during the two weeks leading up to Lent. The krewes also hold masked balls at which the king and queen of the krewe are presented to the society.Eventually the French in New Orleans celebrated Mardi Gras with masked balls and parties… at least until the Spanish government took over in the mid-1700s and banned the celebrations (sorry, our bad).This ban continued even after the U.S. government acquired the land but started-up again in 1827.While Mardi Gras (or Fat Tuesday) has grown in popularity in recent years as a hedonistic and alcohol-swilling event, its roots lie in the Christian calendar.The whole season kicks off with the Epiphany (also known as Twelfth Night, Three Kings' Day and in some Eastern churches Theophany), which falls on January 6 – 12 days after Christmas. That day celebrates the visit of the Wise Men bearing gifts for the infant Jesus.What’s the purpose of King's Cake? Well, legend has it that the cakes were made in a circle to represent the circular routes that the Wise Men took to find Jesus, in order to confuse King Herod and foil his plans of killing the Christ Child. In the early days, a coin or bean was hidden inside the cake, and whoever found the item was said to have good luck in the coming year. In Louisiana, bakers now put a small baby, representing the Christ Child, in the cake; the recipient is then expected to host the next King Cake party. (How would you like to miss that and explain to the ER doctor: ‘Well, doc, I was eating a piece of cake when a baby got lodged in my throat.’)

Kemp’s Top Ten Movies Fat Tuesday/Mardi Gras Movies

...that have Mardi Gras as a central theme… or even a passing theme… or a naked women theme… or really, have nothing to do with Mardi Gras other than being set in New Orleans because there are not, quite frankly, enough movies about Mardi Gras to do an actual Top Ten Mardi Gras movies list.

10. Zombie vs Mardi Gras 9. Mardi Gras Massacre 8. Piano Players Rarely Play Together 7. Mardi Gras 6. Night Trap (aka Mardi Gras for the Devil) 5. Playboy: Girls of Mardi Gras 4. Mardi Gras: Made in China 3. Girls Gone Wild: Mardi Gras 2. Easy Rider 1. Hard Target

Allow me to pat myself on the back

Along with my good friend Scott.

Why?

Well, who would have thunk it... but Scott and I are "famous"... and I'm using that term loosely.

The internet/blog reporter for McClatchy-Tribune News Service, Wendy Zang, has picked our The BushWhacked Administration as their 'Blog of the Week'.

See links HERE and HERE.

Here's a snapshot from the National Federation of Independent Business' site...



She also mentions this blog right here; Kemp's Blog.

So... allow me to bask in the glow of being mentioned by an honest to God news outlet.

I (somewhat) take back everything I've ever said about the Fourth Estate... though I'm not sure how long this feeling will last.

Random Thoughts

• Pitchers and catchers report this week for the defending WORLD SERIES CHAMPION ST. LOUIS CARDINALS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hmmmmm, I can’t seem to remember whom they beat in the series? Anyone?? Queen, do you remember?
• Am I the only one who doesn’t buy Paula Abdul’s claims that she’s never been drunk?
• I’m signed-up for a lot of email alerts. Yesterday morning I got one from CNN. I see it pop up and I think, oh Christ, something’s happened. I open it up and read: “A judge has ruled Anna Nicole Smith’s body must stay at the medical examiner’s office until a dispute over her daughter’s paternity is resolved, but Smith’s body can be embalmed.” Are you fu***** kidding me??? You send a breaking news email to thousands of people about this??? Here’s a confidential note to the entire Fourth Estate: Get. A. Clue.
• Sarah has nominated me to become a “made man” with “The Blogfathers”. Thanks Sarah!! Would it be unsightly to actively campaign for it? Something along the lines of PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!!!!!!! Or does that come across as pathetic? How about bribing?Watched a good movie this past weekend; “Thank You for Smoking”. Biting satire, and worth the rental fee. Having said that, avoid “Clerks 2”… it’s nowhere near as good as the original.
• Remember how I told you all about the HUGE snowstorm that had hit the Midwest, and that no one knew about it because, well, it hit the Midwest? It’s reached the Northeast now so, naturally, it is now worthy of national media attention… all bow down to the MSM…
• A surfeit of meme’s is going around the blogosphere right now and so far I haven’t been tagged… I’m not sure how to feel about that…
• Proof that Hollywood has truly run out of ideas (just in case the looming remakes of Revenge of the Nerds or Police Academy hadn’t convinced you), there are plans in the works to remake “Weird Science”… probably cuz the original had such a huge impact on the acting career of Ilan Mitchell-Smith (who is now, in case you care, a professor at Texas A&M)
• Looking back at some of my blogmigo’s latest posts: MetroDad likes Valentine’s Day… Croutonboy, not so much… Becky’s head has exploded, again… Backtome is doing well… and Lumpyheads Mom has named her beautiful new daughter
• Winner of last week’s “Funniest phrase aimed at getting people to my blog via a google search” is Sarah from SATGS. Her winning phrase was: “hot naked lesbian housewives in diapers sucking big cock that look like Prince's guitar on Project Runway secrets during American Idol iPod Vista naked Paris Hilton on Myspace 2000 bloggers global warming without makeup homophobic Super Bowl ad XXX porn twins cum shot Dooce Today Show 9/11 sexy blonde sluts”… whew… that was a lot. What does Sarah win? A beer. I will buy her a beer next time I am in Washington DC or next time she is in Chicago, whichever comes first.
• Quote of the Week, which is my all-time favorite quotes:

  “There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it.” George Bernard Shaw, from Man and Superman

Reason # 1223

This morning, as I’m leaving for work, The Peanut Butter and The Jelly are eating breakfast. After I kiss and hug them and HoMu goodbye, I walk out the door. As I’m walking down the sidewalk to the garage, I hear the door open and The PB says to me, “Happy Valentine’s Day Daddy”… I go back to the door and tell her Valentine’s Day was yesterday, and she responded, “I know, I just wanted you to come back inside so I could tell you I love you again…”

I love being a daddy…

Valentine's Day

I wrote a trivia-laden Valentine’s Day post last year which you can view HERE. This year I am going a different direction.

I agree with Croutonboy (a phrase I guarantee you won’t see me repeat often).

I don’t like Valentine’s Day… never have… probably never will. With that in mind, I give my message in the preferred short and sweet method:

I love my wife more and more each day.
Each day I am grateful that she is with me always and forever.
Each day I am grateful that she has given us our beautiful daughters.
Each day I am grateful that she laughs at my jokes and compliments my cooking.
Each day I am grateful that she makes me a better man, husband, and father, and for that I can never thank her enough.

Now, rather than fill the remainder of this post with more saccharine, which we are probably all full of by now anyway, I present to you… mine and Honey Mustard’s song, the one we remember from college and the one we had our first dance to as husband and wife, Love Will Keep Us Alive, by The Eagles.

I was standing
All alone against the world outside
You were searching
For a place to hide

Lost and lonely
Now you’ve given me the will to survive
When we’re hungry...love will keep us alive

Don’t you worry
Sometimes you’ve just gotta let it ride
The world is changing
Right before your eyes
Now I’ve found you
There’s no more emptiness inside
When we’re hungry...love will keep us alive

I would die for you
Climb the highest mountain
Baby, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do

I was standing
All alone against the world outside
You were searching
For a place to hide
Lost and lonely

Now you’ve given me the will to survive
When we’re hungry...love will keep us alive
When we’re hungry...love will keep us alive
When we’re hungry...love will keep us alive

Snow Work Day

Sigh… The Peanut Butter, The Jelly & Honey Mustard all have a snow day today…

But not me…no sireeee, I’m at work… toiling away, listening to the wind howl and watching the snow pile up and swirl outside my office window (yes, I have an actual office with an actual window – one positive about this job…)

Has anyone ever seen the episode of The Simpsons (Episode 7F03 – ‘Bart Gets an F’) where Bart prays for snow because of a test? He gets his prayer answered and while the entire town of Springfield has fun in the snow (a day Mayor Quimby proclaims as “…Snow Day, the funnest day in the history of Springfield!”), he’s stuck inside…

Welcome to my world...

Sure, my employees are here (most of them) the doctors are nowhere to be found… and we’re under a Blizzard Warning until midnight.

Sigh...

Why did I get into HR/Operations? Why didn’t I follow my brother (a professor) and my wife (an administrator) into education?

Because I’m an idiot, that’s why.

But you all knew that......